Saturday 20 November 2010

If the wind changed and my face stayed like this

I want to remember happiness. I love reminiscing; I know it's nostalgic, doesn't achieve anything and some people think it shows signs of weakness/unhappiness, but I think it's a very natural thing. There must be a reason our brain stores things, more than just learning things. I can recite 50 States and their capitals, 195 countries of the world and about 130 of their capitals. And I'll still have that information in my brain in years to come - that's what I love. The brain is a magical thing, no one can completely comprehend the ins and outs, the reasons why or how, but the brain is impressive. And my brain impresses me daily. I will be thinking about something non-important and my brain works at lightspeed to bring a hundred related thoughts into view that I can pick my way through, I can figure out where all the associations and meaning comes from until I find that that first non-important thought was actually very helpful, one way or another. And I want my brain to be better, to be bigger, to be so full that I have to tell people my stupid stories otherwise I'll forget them forever - that's the dream of how I'll be when I'm 70 odd, grandmother, happy and simple living next to the sea somewhere in Europe. I'm so excited about being there.

But I guess I've got to live my life first. I've got to write those stories before I can tell them. I've got to have those kids to produce grandchildren, which means I've got to find someone who wants to have babies with me. Small screaming balls of pink made of my DNA. Most guy's nightmares. But for some reason I have faith in myself, that when I'm with him, and when we're at the right age, and the right stuff is happening, kids will naturally happen. I am so scared every day that I'm infertile, that 'he' is someone I've already lost, or am going to lose because I can't seem to hold on to relationships: its like a big hurricane comes through my brain every now and then and makes everything move, change, and re-arrange itself, and I lose the love I once had. I tell myself I had good reason to break up with Shane, but maybe I didn't. Maybe I wasn't doing it for us, I was doing it for me. And maybe I should give people a better chance. One week seems a bit quick to know what I wanted. And maybe I should have been more willing to compromise, to figure out our differences.

Or maybe I should just apply these worries to the future. After all, worrying is like a rocking chair. So I gotta stop rocking, and start moving...

Sunday 7 November 2010

I like life. Bit weird thing to say, but I really do. Its full of little surprises, little twists and turns, and even if life isn't treating you well, one day when you're happy again, it makes for a good story. And I've always tried to look at the more important things, like love and friendship and family and just fucking living. Just grabbing life by the balls and saying "fuck it", because those are the moments you end up remembering.

So it really grinds my gears when the people around me just act like life isn't that important. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a rant. It may turn into one, but I'm in a good mood writing this. And it seriously gets to me when you hear someone saying little things to make life seem pointless. My old flatmate constantly said "fuck my life", even in situations not that bad, which put a negative spin on everything. And nothing against her or anything, but she's definitely not the first person I think of when remembering happy people...

Another example, birthday celebrations. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I'm overly excited by something quite lame. I had an awesome time trying to give my friend a great birthday party. And from what I've heard, everyone seemed to have a good time. But then there's the people that didn't come. Now I spent money sorting out that party, I made a bright blue cake, I bought a crap lot of alcohol and I greened my entire self (and most other people at the party) up. So when someone I've invited says no, I'm a bit annoyed that I've gone to all this effort, not even for my own birthday, and some people can't even be bothered to walk down the road. But the thing that upset me more is that its our friends birthday, and he was so excited at the idea of a house party that I felt I was letting him down because my friends, supposedly his friends, didn't show. So so uncool.

So my question is: what the hell was so bad you couldn't party?? Partying, be it a different definition from each person, is the celebration of something, enjoying a moment and having fun. Why don't people want to have fun? Why are some people so wrapped up in their own self-pitying negative, monotonous and frankly dull lives that they don't want to party? If anything, a party is exactly what they need to get their frowning behind into the spirit of things, forgetting your troubles and just letting loose for once. I admit, sometimes partying is not the answer, but life is too short to be shit. If your feeling down - get back up! If you're stuck in a rut, fucking jump the hell out of the their. If you realize that you have no idea why your with your boyfriend, break up. And if you then realize you just want to spend all your time with someone else just bloody do it. Screw what people say and think, because life is worth living to the full. I've never done well with grades, I tend to spack out at the last minute and fuck things up a bit; I'm not the greatest secret-keeper, as I tend to forget if someone has told me not to tell people; I'm pretty immature, I'm very self-absorbed and frankly I'm a bit of a twat. But at least I can dance until I got blisters on my toes and still call it a freaking good night.

So to conclude: p - a - r - t - why?? Cos I gotta!

Also, if your gonna bail on a night out, don't be mean to people about it. Its just uncool. And you may get a slap for it.

Tuesday 2 November 2010

Life would be simpler if I were a Sim..

I know, The Sims is a child's computer game. Mainly for little girls. But it is spectacular at giving you perspective on life. Now I first played the Sims when I was about 10, I think. And I used to stay at my friends house and wake up early just so I could go on it before she did. She was all about the playing families bit, having lots and lots of kids before you get too old. Whereas I liked to build the houses, spend hours on each room making it awesome, then would create one awesome character to live in that house. She always thought I was boring, and I wasn't playing the game properly. And sorry for going all Matrix-y/Truman-showy here, but that is literally life. It's not a game, but it is about how you play it. Louise, that cute little 9 year old girl who used to name every woman Tina and carried Little Teddy with her everywhere is now 19 and 8 and a half months tubby as hell. I'm currently deciding if 4 hours on the train is worth seeing her baby boy come into the world. Put into words like that, I don't know why I haven't booked the ticket already. But she is about to pop one out, and if she can survive this, her little boy grows up well and her mother doesn't ruin both their lives, she will undoubtedly be popping out another one before I've even started having babies. Whereas I'm at Uni, I'm trying to build my future and focus on myself, and yeah I want kids, yeah I really want to get married, but sometimes you've got to take time into consideration. I was, and still am slightly, convinced that my ex-boyfriend would be the guy I'd marry. There's something about us that I would say yes to. But I threw it away. I threw him away. I know its crass, but I can't stay with him because we might get married - that is years from now. I need to live for myself, for right now, and I don't want to be the one that regrets her life when shes 40 and alone. If I get to 40 and am still alone... well, I've got a couple back-ups. But still. Whats the point in regretting things - life is too short. I wanna do right by me now, and not by some suit-wearing arrogant boy. So I'm living my life as if I were a Sim, being played with by me. Because my characters are awesome. Its time I started being awesome too.