Friday 25 November 2011

The Truth

This is me, Laura Earl, a very plain 21 year old, working in a job I don't really want, living in a city I can't afford to live in, going home to two people who have fallen into my life in the most perfect way yet something is askew. I've now plonked the cherry on the cupcake of university by graduating, and this here is the chocolate sprinkles on top. So much of my life is surrounded in vague mystery, lies and truths people are afraid to tell me. So right now, in the post-graduation glow of remembering those little idiosyncrasies that make each of my relationships different from the last, I'm going to reveal those things which I've been too scared, or too ashamed, or too distant to tell. I'm sorry if these words aren't the ones you expected or wanted, but that's just life.

Sophie and Rhianmor - grow up. Living in the past doesn't get anyone anywhere, and the hardest thing to do in this world is to accept change and move on. That's what you made me do, and it was bloody hard, but I did it, I worked my ass off and I got a bloody first from it. Imagine what you could achieve if you just let that shit, the baggage and the insecurities, drop away from your shoulders. I'm not angry, I'm not guilty - but more than being indifferent, I do hope for the best for both of you, but I can't be your friend - my heart has been through a bloody lot, and I've built a giant wall around it now, because of you two.

Nathan - I'm sorry. I wish we had been able to talk things through; I wish it hadn't been in such a weird time in my life. I still have no idea of half the things that happened that night, so I equally have no idea of what it meant to you. I'm sorry if I caused any pain - I'm just glad that we remained friends - the reason I never confronted you about it was because I was terrified of losing one of my best friends.

James - it scares me how much my life depends upon you. I wonder whether you're the closest thing I have to a soul mate, but at the same time, I'd hate to put that pressure on our friendship, because I'm still unsure of everything we discussed about our relationship. Everyone who knows of you thinks our friendship is bizarre, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Ben - well, I can't write this sincerely. I haven't seen his face or heard his voice in over a year. I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I want to tell you that in a perfect world, we would have broken up before we went to uni, because there is no perfect way for our relationship to have happened. I just hope you can open up again, and let a girl in, and find true happiness with her, because you'll never be truly happy on your own. You just like to think you will be, because money can get you almost everything in the world, apart from love. I'm the perfect example of that.

Matt - I understand. I always told myself you were deluded, and it wasn't love, just some kind of infatuation. I told myself this time and time again until that day, lost amidst the emotions of being an adulterous bitch, I realised that you were the one I actually wanted. But it was too late - it was always too late. That's why I've always questioned your reasons for being with Danni - it's never made any sense to me, and you've never explained it to me. Every time I saw you last year, since you started dating, it's broken my heart, because I can't recognise the guy I fell in love with anymore. It's like you've been diluted by something. And I still love that guy, where ever he is, and I miss you as a friend. You were my favourite thing about uni; I can't bring myself to watch saw 7 without you. Maybe I'll just never know how the franchise ends...

The boys - Al, Will, Macina, Coates and Nathan - you guys are amazing. We never get emotional or 'sappy', but I hope that we can continue our friendships and 'live long and prosper'. Can't believe I just wrote that...

Martin - life is perfect, and I don't want anything to change, but the future is scaring me because I can't see anything. I can't see where I want to be, what job I want, my house, my life, my anything past the next year or so - and the scariest thing is, I have no idea where you fall into any of that, or if you do at all. And the promise of 'the future' is one of the varying reasons why I broke up with Ben - he had a deluded sense that with time, all would be perfect. I couldn't hinge our entire relationship on this one vague hope - and I won't do the same for us. For now, life is great, but I have no idea where I or we are headed.



Soon I will write a real blog post, about Paris, growing up and the eternal curse of my career in small businesses.