This Imperfectly Perfect World

The days are getting thinner,

The blood is running thick.

Deeper crimson than before,

The drains will never drip.

Falling birds swoop past death,

Breaking cars that catch their breath,

Never stopping, never halting,

Never knowing what to expect.

We don’t have spots on our apples,

We don’t have chickens in our trees.

Our arguments aren’t productive

And our autumns aren’t dictated by leaves.

We’re just floating heads above the clouds,

We live for tomorrow and never for now,

Our money is burning and our gas is escaping,

Our words and meanings aren’t really relating.

Hierarchy vs. Anarchy

Tell me that reality is better than the dream.

Tell me what I want to hear, otherwise I’ll scream.

Tell me I’m the best of us, the best of everything.

Tell me all, I will believe, my ego is a queen.

Stop.

Listen.

For just a second.

Wait for it,

let it click,

hear the tick,

a mind trick,

a heart’s slip,

as in that moment you lost everything.

Take one second,

Stop and stare.

All your problems,

They don’t care.

Each eye you see has been crying

Each face you see has felt more pain.

Yet in this prison you keep dying

For when we bleed, we bleed the same.

And in your hopeless heart race

In this body that has no face

In this danger that knows no place

You’ll feel the same, feel the disgrace.

Trust me, I’m not a doctor,

And I can fill this world with blood.

Lets tear it down

And burn this town

Steal their crowns

And watch them drown

But fire and water isn’t enough.

I believe in nothing but the beating of our hearts

'Trust', I believe, is highly misconceived. It isn't actually about truth at all: trust is the word which defines an unspoken bond, when you give someone a piece of your heart, and in return, they will protect it as much as is physically and humanly possible. People often mistake trust for honesty, but the major difference is, if you trust someone completely then you never question the validity and truth of some moments, because you know that whatever the truth, what they tell you is all said and done with your heart in mind.

A relationship with no trust is like a game of catch: it's just a matter of time before a heart slips and breaks.

I truly and deeply trust a handful of people: my closest friends, of whom know who they are, I trust to lie to me if it's the best thing for me to hear. I trust them to protect me from things I'm better off not knowing. I trust people to purposefully hide the truth from me, because sometimes, brutal honesty is the most painful thing you can experience. When someone stabs you in the back, that's bad, but if a friend tells you the next day that someone else stabbed you in the back, it hurts even more than finding out on your own terms.

Honesty is very much over-rated. Children and animals are the only truly honest creatures. We adults, who live and work and play in this twisted, controlled society, have obscured the real meaning of trust, honesty, loyalty and true friendship.

Is 'blog' a verb in the dictionary now?

Firstly, to all those people who I follow, blog-wise, except of course for Martin - you're all shit. I know that most of you are still unemployed, so you have NO EXCUSE. It's the most simple, mundane of writing tasks. COME ON!

So, anyway... Motivation is lacking. That positive feeling is no where to be felt. I feel like the world isn't agreeing with me much anymore. I feel a bit lost, as I don't know what I want right now. I know what I want in the next few years: 2014 is the big America trip which my wife recently tagged in on. 2012 I might try do a teacher-training course, bit of back-up, as I've missed the deadlines for starting this September. That gives me two years to hopefully earn the money for said America trip. Whilst in the US I can decide where I really want to live: California, Calgary, Ca...Canberra? Really, where in the world I want to be. So until then, I can just live, work hard, play hard, all that jazz. Except right now, I don't feel it. I feel like I should be writing brilliant short stories every day, and apply to every competition and doing all I can to get myself out there - instead I'm running out of money VERY fast, and this constant threat of my parent's business slowly reclining as they prepare themselves for old age by renting out our garage and field, I feel like I might not have Burger Vanning as a back-up soon... Which is really adding to the pressure of getting a job, which I still can't focus my energy on completely because I'm so sick of catering, theaters are BASTARDS, as one is already 'fully hired', one literally refused my CV because everything is online, and the other smaller ones are probably voluntary positions to start, so that's no help. GOSH DARN IT, why is life so confusing? I want to just play Assassin's Creed until these problems just melt away...

Requiescat en pace

I want to write something meaningful today. Yesterday my grandfather passed away. He was 94, born just after the end of the first world war. This fact alone bewilders me: all of the things he must have seen, known, experienced and struggled with. He had two sons, two daughters, each of whom had a mixture of seven sons and six daughters, who also produced children, and one great-great-grandchild. My father's middle name is taken from the name of the grandfather, and my brother, although not directly, is also named after my grandfather. He was married for 71 years. Yesterday, moments before his death, any passing stranger may have just called him an old age pensioner: he was very hard of hearing, his bladder was failing, his liver wasn't working properly, and therefore caused his kidneys and bladder even more problems. His anti-biotics were making him worse instead of better, but the doctors prolonged his life for at least three weeks by feeding him their medicines. Eventually his heart stopped, and in a way, our family felt a relief: no longer would he suffer, no longer would his body be tormented by a crippling and unavoidable fate. The true sadness lies in the eyes of my grandmother: wife of 71 years, now a widow. Alone for the first time since she was a teenager. She tried to take all her sleeping pills at once, but her eldest daughter stopped her. Now, she has four generations of children, of family and loved ones to look after her, but still, things always change, and given a chance, she might try to take her life again. I can't help but reflect on the amazing lives of my grandparents: some say that when people have children young, they throw away their whole lives. Next week, and my grandfather's funeral, I will look around and see a large family gathered together to mourn and say their farewells to a beloved man. I will see a host of successful people: a pilot, a banker, a lawyer and a training doctor. An entrepreneur, an oil-dealer, and all their beautiful and talented children who might one day become a dancer, an extreme-sportsman, a football player, a beautician, and a billion other possible futures. My family, as dysfunctional, troubled and strange as it is, is still my family. I can't change that, and today, I wouldn't want a single person in our family to change.

We are all the diluted product of a farmer and his wife. I have never been especially close to my grandparents, but I still respect them, and am so happy that my last memory is of them both sat side-by-side, smiling serenely.

                        To Jimmy Earl. Let his memories live forever, and let his body rest in peace.

I put my brain on a piece of paper...

Today I re-read my diary from when I was 18. I like to reflect on my life sometimes, as it helps my mind focus on who I am and how I got here, rather than where I want to be. When people focus too much on the future, I think they lose a sense of being and living in the moment.  An apt quote, even if from a ridiculously immature (yet hilarious) film:

                                You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.

Sometimes I want to be different. There is so much about my life, my being, my body and my brain that I wish was different. But reading my diary, and realising how slowly but surely I am changing into someone better, cleverer and slightly more capable is refreshing. Nothing worth doing is ever easy, or quick, or simple. In fact, most things that are worth achieving will knock you down a peg or too, you'll face obstacles and difficulties that you never imagined would occur: you feel like the whole universe is trying to stop you getting to where you want to be. But pursuing, and getting your knees dirty along the way is what makes it worth it. That is what makes us who we are, and defines us: not what we have achieved, but what we have conquered. Facing fears is something that I wish I could do every day. So go, remember who you are and face your biggest fears, because only then will you truly feel your soul glowing.