We Are Young

I can't help but here these songs and think about the feeling of life being open, anything being attainable, all dreams are possible and there is nothing but yourself holding you back. I've been thinking about this a lot recently - not to quote Shakespeare, but thinking of what dreams may come. What might be different in one year, five years, ten years? Will I know when it is that I want to have children? Will I know what job I want to do for the rest of my life when I'm in it, or will I always want something new, something different, something to keep me in my toes. Or will that itchy-feet-syndrome die down in time? I can't tell; I'll not know until the time comes, and that is both scary and good because it means I can put those worries to the back of my mind and focus on right now. I am young - we are young - in so many ways. I have dreams of finding adrenaline highs, and I am still in the first third of my life expectancy, and I have so much more to do, to live, to feel, to enjoy and to see. But you can't just grab at it all at once - our hands aren't big enough. Prioritising what to do first, what counts the most, and what I truly want first is my current agenda. I want to go back to school, but I don't know what to do. I want to earn money and pay of debts, but I also want to go traveling, my big USA trip being one of the many things, and that also takes money. Most of all, I want to be me. I want to follow my heart and my dreams, I want to live my life the way I want to - screw the rest of the world - and I want to not have to listen to what everyone thinks is right and wrong. I am my own definition of life. I do not need to answer to anyone anymore. I make my own decisions, I do what I can and I embrace what I have. I have spent the last nine months learning so much about myself that uni never could have taught me, and the experience has been priceless, but now I know enough to know that I'm moving on. The next chapter in my life is just around the corner, and I'm so excited to start it, because I know that it will lead on to much bigger things. My life has barely started - but I say bring it on. Throw it at me, give me what you've got, because I am ready and I am fucking eager to get this shit started. I am going to be exactly who I want to be, and by this time next year my life is going to be totally different, I know that for a fact.

So keep your eyes peeled, kids - something beautiful is happening.

Lent

Today is a brilliant day. Today we eat pancakes and prepare our cupboards for the coming months with chocolate, hot-cross-buns, and other such Easter-related treats. Apparently, the Christians like to starve themselves for 40 days. But I'm not Christian, so screw that.

I have tried lent before. I did a very good effort at an alcohol-free 40 days... I think a total of two pints slipped under the radar. But this year, I will do it. I will last 40 days. I will complete this mission if it is the last thing I do... in Brighton. But I will, dammit. I am determined.

I want to give up a lot, and take on a lot too, so I'm going to easy myself off and on to these things - starting with the ever-popular chocolate and snacking. I'm terrible at it, and recently my gums have been really sore, and I know it's because of the excessive amount of sugar I intake. So my first 5 days will be purely focused on not snacking, and trying to gym more. I've gotten worse, so I need to push myself into it again.

Stay tuned for what I give up and take on next....

Please don't break these riverbanks

This song is beautiful, and has inspired many thoughts and emotions, and scenes for Impressions recently. I am faced with two very daunting prospects, and instead of writing a literal 'pros and cons' list, I'm writing a blog. Because when in doubt, I turn to the blogosphere, for some unknown reason. It's like rereading a diary, or an old favourite book - there's a comfort in remembering what problems I once had yet overcame, and got through. So here's hoping in a year I can reread this with a clarity of mind, knowing I did the right thing.

Option one is to find a new job and a new home, and continue living the way I have for nine months now: an independent existence, yet a continual struggle with money. I do not believe that the perfect job for me right now is in Brighton. I believe I need to further my education to get where I want to be, so I would be working in another simple, probably highly laborious job which doesn't pay more than minimum wage and therefore doesn't give me much budge after rent and bills to live life to the maximum, and do the things that I want to do, like going to pubs and bars, going to the cinema, eating out and enjoying this exciting metropolis in which I live.

Of course, that leaves two further questions - maybe look for a cheaper place to live, and maybe live somewhere other than Brighton. Firstly, this current flat in which we live is quite expensive in comparison to, say, Southampton, but considering the location, how nice this city is, the amazing things seconds from our doorstep, and the fact that Southampton has very few people living in it that are looking for good properties (its all students or families) means the price is understandable. Three of us in a two-bed flat means we've cut the rent even more, so finding something cheaper is very difficult. More-so, this flat is fine for now, but has its problems, and anywhere cheaper will be worse. Damp, mould, rotten floors; drug-dealing neighbours, problems with cheap and old furniture or basic utilities. I can't afford to furnish a house, so options become very limited and bleak. And to look anywhere else has all those problems, plus the idea of living on my own, risking living with nightmare flat mates I don't even know, or living with people who might now be friends, but that could all change when living together.

Option two is to move home. I am considering a third option of moving back to Norfolk but not living at home - but it seems ridiculous. Why live in Norfolk, yet have to pay rent? I have spoken to my parents, and they are fine with the idea, and I could work part-time for them, but spend a good chunk of time doing the things that I wish I could've had the time to do here: get involved at a theatre, study some more, consider my greater options, liking journalism and prose writing. The cons are quite simple: I would be living with my parents again, and when I last lived at home, they didn't trust me, and I spent a lot of my time wanting to leave. But I am a different person now, they trust me (I think), and I now know what it's like to go-it alone. I have that experience tucked under my belt, and I have my work with Molly Maid as a good reference point in life, but what I really want to work on now is honing and focusing on my future and myself. I need to pay off my overdraft, which I worked out, at my current wage, would take me almost three years (thirty months, to be exact). And I want to have the time and energy to write, and to further my writing. I want to be sending scripts to companies, but I don't have the confidence to yet, as my two episodes have no rest of series. I want to be this complete entity, and feel like I am doing and being what I want to be, so that when I throw myself out there, rejections don't knock me down so hard, and I don't lose sight of my dreams so easily.

In the last few months, so many people have been able to convince me to change my mind of things that I didn't think I needed to change my mind about. My dad constantly tells me to have a back-up plan, and train as a teacher. My sisters tell me that I don't know what I want at all - in men, in a career, or in friends, and apparently they know better than me. My best friend tells me that I should take risks and stay in Brighton, and live with her, even though all my instincts and my heart tell me to go home - something she taught me to listen to and follow. My boyfriend, however, sits silently as I throw my life into the metaphorical blender and try to figure out what I want. He patiently listens, understands, and tries to give me the best advice, without being bias, pressurizing or self-involved. The one thing about going home that will change my life the most is moving away from him. I failed at a long-distance relationship once before, and considering how much that guy hates me, not only deleted but also blocked me from Facebook, genuinely has changed into an unrecognizable person and sees women as objects - I hate to think that something even vaguely similar might happen second time round. Knowing all this may help, but it's still the most nerve-wracking part of moving 200miles.

And after all this, once I've gotten where ever I'm going on April 14th, I need to figure out what to do next. I am seriously considering MAs, in either Television Production or English Literature and something, either creative writing or journalism. These are hard to decide on, but I'm hoping my lecturer will provide sage advice. I'm also banking a lot of hope on sending scripts and CVs to production companies, but like I said, that's not on my agenda yet. I'm cookie dough, and I'm not done baking yet. I don't want to try to be a writer when I'm not done baking yet; for those of you who know this Buffy reference, this should make sense. To the rest, I hope you can get what I mean. Life to me feels like a billion tasks right now; an endless to-do list and a set of goals I feel I may never reach. But I have to keep believing, I have to keep trying, because if I don't, I've got nothing. So I want to go home, I want to move back in with my parents, enjoy having money for a brief period, I want to show my parents who I've become, and I want to be able to dedicate a chunk of time purely to myself; I've missed that. So, my mind is basically made-up, I just have to set things in motion properly.

So for now, I'm enjoying the little things. Watching movies with my boyfriend, laughing with my boss for about half an hour, going out and about - I had the most amazing night in London two days ago, I went to see Millie's play, hung out backstage, and then had the most bizarre four hour journey home. I'm excited about going to Worthing next weekend, spending my second Valentine's Day with a person ever, having a paid week off in March to go home, work and spend time with friends; my birthday, seeing Charlie Simpson, and the Camden-pub-crawl; going to see Alkaline Trio and my belated christmas surprise... Life is unexpected and amazing, and very brilliant when you want it to be. I'm excited for the unpredictable, and I am taking the steps I want to take. Where ever they lead me, at least I'll know I followed my heart.

Somebody Save Me

So I finally finished watching all of Smallville. And I've decided that I will briefly describe what this show, and its ten seasons, have made me feel.

FUCKING AWESOME.

'Nuf said. Now go watch it. Season 8 is my favourite, 9 and 10 are amazing, and season 4 is for all the Lois and Clark / Superman geeks, just squirming with excitement as the seeds of destiny are laid out for the characters we all know and love.

There are some amazing people in Smallville too, and people who don't have much else in the way of what they're known for. Cassidy Freeman, Erica Durance, Allison Mack and Annette O'toole are some of the most amazing women to watch, all for very different reasons, but they all bring something totally unique to the legends that they have to live up to, in the sense of Martha Kent and Lois Lane being obvious, but with the characters of Chloe Sullivan and Lutessa 'Tess' Luthor, they have to hold their own in a mine-field of destined characters who originally weren't sidled-up with these budding side-kicks.

Their are quite a few lookers too: Tom Welling, of course, trumps all that is holy in my 'Clark Kent' idealisation. Justin Hartley gives the Green Arrow more than just good aim; and Alan Ritchson, Michael Shanks, Brian Austen Green, Kyle Gallner, and Lee Thompson Young all make the Justice League seem like the best group to join. In the world. Ever.

A lot of famous faces had fun little cameos through the ten year run, from Cobie Smulder's one episode (ironically, due to her now being a known face, the twist in the episode was easy to identify as soon as you see Cobie in a room with her hair tied back, so you won't recognise her. Great disguise, guys...), Kyle Gallner's version of 'Impulse' (why not The Flash? something to do with the rights, perhaps?) was noted as he has starred in a variety of films and TV shows, and will no doubt be rising soon, in Shia LaBoeuf-style roles I imagine; the girl from Mean Girls, Lizzy Caplan, appears as Lana's best friend, Shawn Ashmore appears, of X-Men fame, to be followed by his big brother landing the role of Jimmy Olsen, who dies, and comes back in the 'seven years in the future' clip as Jimmy Olsen (again?) - oh wait, his little brother. Why not cast Shawn? No one would remember him from season 3, would they? James Marsters, of Buffy fame, does a good effort at embodying Brainiac, although his half-american-half-British accent is excessively annoying. Jesse Metcalfe has a small part in two episodes, and Robert Picardo plays an un-sci-fi role, Edward Teague.  Neil Flynn also has a small part. Although, that's hardly shocking. Even Lucas Grabeel, who is a all-singing all-dancing star from High School Musical, played the devilishly terrifying Alexander/Lex Luthor Mk.8 (long story). Pam Grier had a small role as the White Queen. Then got killed. No loss there.

Annette O'Toole, who plays Martha Kent, played Lana Lang in one version of Superman, I forget which. So, to continue on this theme, those fun-loving producers pulled in the some pretty ironic casting. Teri Hatcher plays Lois' dead mother, Ella Lane. Dean Cain plays Curtis Knox M.D (aka Jack the Ripper), hired by Lex Luthor. An episode dripping with irony. Christopher Reeve plays Dr Virgil Swann, founding member of Veritas.

Also, many of the people cropping up in this show come from or went on to other sci-fi/fantasy shows. Sam Whitwer, Ian Somerhalder and Jensen Ackles are just a few of the names, with Vampire Diaries, Being Human, Supernatural, Lost, and I'm sure the list goes on.

This show has done a lot for the acting community, for sure. The thing that I love most, and I say this not because I have forgotten to mention John Glover and Michael Rosenbaum (trust me, I haven't) - but the most engaging and enticing aspect of this show is it's portrayal of evil. Everyone knows the Clark Kent grows up to be the all-flying, all-spandex-wearing Superman. That isn't what keeps you watching 217 episodes. Lex starts off as a good, ish. He befriends Clark, and all is daisies and sunshine. But then the lies, and the secrets come between them, and Lionel starts poking his nose in, and all it gets a bit tense. And even when Lex has 'died', and even when Lionel has 'died', they literally come back fighting. And Tess, the most amazing of the three, starts out pure evil. She doesn't care what she destroys, and she doesn't want to bother with the mind games and the falsities that Lex spent so long working on. But she slowly but surely stops being evil, and even learning that she's the 'last' heir of the Luthor estate doesn't kick the evil back into her. Because being evil doesn't mean you have red in your eyes and you want to rule the world. Oh no. Evil, in Smallville terms, means having no heart. It was lack of love from Lionel that made both Lex and Tess bad. It was distrust and disloyalty that made Zod bloody barmey. Even Chloe, Lana, Lois at times, are portrayed as bad, or wrong doing, for murdering a man to protect Clark, or keeping secrets, or marrying through fear - they all succumb to the fear of losing someone too. Clark, weirdly, only appears to be evil when on red kryptonite, and those moments are the best. Uninhabited, undeniably sexy red-induced Clark. They should make a spin-off just for that.

And so, to conclude this massive waste of your time - go watch Smallville; if you don't think you can stomach it all, watch the first half of season 1, read up, then season 4, read up, then last half of 7, 8, 9 and 10. The finale is not the most exciting thing in the world, as the show put so much into 9 and 10 that it was hard to do anything more without it being over the top, movie-like, and not what 'Smallville' but nature and name is truly about. Lois and Clark are the best thing since sliced bread, and I hope that when I'm a mother my kids can watch an age-appropriate show about them, like I did both when 9 and when 21. Because I'm cool like that.

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1031380249/