Dolly Parton-esque

I'm feeling rather girly at the moment. Not that it was my idea, but we watched Titanic last night. I've had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head all week, and I keep getting urges to listen to other pop princesses and watch terrible films about a boy and a girl that meet and fall in love and little else happens. I watched Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 a few days ago, and it has made me want to watch the last one, which I am surprised by, and it's made me feel sad about Robert Pattison. He was once so pretty, but something terrible happened, but I think I'll watch Water For Elephants and that anger toward pale make-up and coloured contact lenses should fade. I received a lot of chocolate for my birthday / Easter present (from myself, to myself, for being awesome and all), and I've eaten half of it already, in a week. I am getting a bit shakey from no glee for too long. It's two weeks away, and I'm too excited about it. My excessively high oestrogen levels are going to annoy me at the weekend, and I have a lot of hard work to do, and I know for a fact that it's the non-girly part of me that can work 12 days in a row and not get caught up by the fact that in that time she also has to pack up her life ready to move, start kipping the other side of Brighton and pull out all the stops for my last two weeks of work so my relationship with my boss will end on a high note. Right now, however, the next seventeen days seem very daunting. Bring on Tuesday 17th April, when I can breathe again!

Pulled apart by horses...

My recent entry about feeling pulled somewhere is to be second parted here. I know what I was being pulled toward, and it was in Norfolk. And I felt it, sitting at the bench outside the Locks on Saturday night, I realised that it was all pulling me toward this exact moment, because that tension suddenly dissipated and I couldn't place what it was about that night - was it one of the old friends I saw, was it to do with Howarth, Sam or Jasmine, was it to do with seeing the band and just being there for that night - but I had been pulled for over a month to that night and I let the emotion wash over me, the joy of familiar faces, old friends and good memories being made. I have no idea what or why or how I felt and what might come of it, but I know that this isn't the end of the strings in my chest being pulled - it's just part II. I can't wait for the next installment, to see what happens next!

Velocity

Today I want to cry, and I have no clue why. I feel like something massive is brewing just beneath my skin and I can't move it, I can't understand it, it just looms there, threatening to spew out one day and leave a big ugly mess...

I am going to try something quite random, but important to me. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut, and this is the first step. I will have short hair again, and I will let it grow, cut it again, let it grow, cut it again and soon, maybe in three to four months, the only hair on my head will be my natural hair colour. This has not happened for around eight years. I'm not sure what its going to look like, but that's the point. I want to learn to love my hair again, and not hate it and change it every other week. I want to feel like I'm looking at my true self when I see my reflection - not just a made-up, dyed, falsified version of someone I wish I was. I like being me, and I want to spread that to all my 'anger areas'. The other thing I want to work on is my figure, namely my belly, and through a few months of hard work actually be able to wear t-shirts without looking pregnant. That would be great. I can't learn to love my belly, I've tried and it doesn't work, so I will conquer the problem and love the solution.

The other things are a bit petty, but worth doing anyway. My ear piercings are fucked, and I'm slowly trying to make them better by applying tea-tree oil to them, and I need to save up for some nice gold studs to wear as they will help too. I also want to sort out my ugly-ass ex-in-growing toe nails, as they gripe me sometimes and because they don't cause me pain doctor's don't care about them, so I will have to find a chiropodist and get help that way. I also want to have a center of calm and focus that I can go to, and release all the anger and rage creatively. I want to take up drawing again, as I miss it. I miss the feeling that my fingers, with a chub of charcoal in them, could create a picture that invoked emotion. Art makes your body feel powerful, and that feeling is something every one should experience. I want to draw and write and create, I want to learn and expand my mind, so that when I see the places I want to see, take in the cultures and the life and the passions, I will be able to respond emotionally and creatively, taking inspiration and adding brick after brick to the wall that is my soul.

I can feel something stirring in my body. This emotion, this hunger for something I cannot or do not have; I feel it inside like a charged current, and it is a steady reminder of what is to come. Some people strongly believe one way or another about things - religion, war, political and global issues - but I have never really strayed that far from the fence-area. I do believe some things, but I also see the other side quite clearly and I empathize with their point of view. I don't know how much control we have over our lives, and I don't believe in God necessarily, but I like to think that powers exist that we do not recognize and they could control our fates, mess with our heads, emotions and bodies. I can feel a power. I don't know how to describe it, because I think you only feel it if your mind is open to the possibility of it, but I feel a power, and it is pulling me away from my home. It has a pretty strong grip, and it gives extra tugs occasionally, but it is lightly pulling me away and I know that I have to follow it. I could try push against it, but that would just prolong the inevitable. I have four days holiday next week, so I will be back in farmer country and on the burger vans, in the local pub and laying face down in the gutter with my dear friend by my side holding my hair back (god I hope not). So being back in this place of joy and reckless abandon, I wonder if I will still feel the pull, or will it have loosened its hold? Neither answer will make me change my mind, but I am curious to see what happens now, as I glimpse the future I am mapping out for myself.

Thought of the day: can you define the difference between your own wants and needs? Does one 'need' a lover? Does one just 'want' food? In this backwards world where we once would eat to live and now we live to eat, it is hard to register true necessity from the simple desire we have for easier existence and a life without hardships.

Underneath My Skin...

I don't know what I want to write about, I just want to write. I want to feel like I'm easing the storm in my head at the moment, but I can't begin to dissect any thoughts or emotions from the whole mess. It's like when you put aprons in the washing machine, and they all come out tangled in each other. I spent hours untangling aprons and tea towels as a kid. In fact, I still do when I'm home. I find it relaxing, having one very specific task that literally gets easier the more you do it. Mum would find it frustrating I think. Either that or she just knew I liked to do it, so would ask me to.

I love thinking about the most simple things. I love remembering things that made me smile. I love it when a memory literally forces your face to smile. You can't control the happiness, it's contagious, pure and beautiful.

I find myself not in the mood for particular songs or music, just to certain voices at the moment, depending on what type of mood I'm in. It's bizarre, and it means that most of my iPod is not being used, and instead I'm jumping constantly between the various artists that sound like Charlie Simpson, Tom DeLonge or Tom Fletcher and Danny Jones. It's weird, because even though the music within these artists is quite varied, it doesn't seem to matter. It's just all about the sound of the voice.

Maybe I need to start listening more carefully to voices.

So for now, I have run out of things to type. My mind is still buzzing... Hopefully spring will open my mind and freshen out some of the cobwebs...