Sunday 30 September 2012

Masters of Art

Tomorrow it begins. Tomorrow I sit through my first screening. Tomorrow I have a seminar and a lecture. Tomorrow, I dive into the deep pool of being a Masters student, terrifying and beautiful as it is.

I want this day to last forever, and I want tomorrow to be over and done with already. I am so aware of my own failings and fumblings and I keep making an arse out of myself around people I know, I don't know how I'm going to manage it with people I don't know.

On a good note, have thoroughly enjoyed having Maria with me this week, and I hope that I can visit her in Oxford sometime in the next month, and if / when she's in Italy, I am definitely on a plane to see her. I'd really love for all my friends to move to different exciting cities and countries for a few months, just so I can come visit. That alright?

Also, this country freaks me out sometimes. Norwich at 9am on a sunday is so quiet, so still, and so very empty. It really caught me by surprise. I never see Norwich like that anymore, and it took me back to school days, and I realised that tomorrow will be just like school days combined with uni days. With a car. And no friends. Sigh.

It's fine, these are just nerves talking. 'This too shall pass'.

Wednesday 26 September 2012

You're Not As Brave As You Were At The Start

I refer back to my blog last year, called 'I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear'. I want to amend something that it has taken almost exactly two years for me to figure out, remember, or at least, just have a clear enough head to realise.

I miss him. He was so much of my life, so much of me, and he was my best friend. And the hole is still there, from where he just disappeared.

A few moments were so perfect, and so beautiful, and I want to remember them. I want, when someone mentions his name, or when I'm driving near his house, to remember those amazing moments.

Sitting on the common, we'd been for a long walk, chatting away as usual, and we sat on the bench up by the duck pond, and the sun was setting over Southampton in front of us, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy, and we walked down to the Cowherds and had a nice meal and I was so in love with him that day.

I used to pick him up from the top of his road: his house is down a dead-end street, so he'd walk up to the crossroads, and I'd come from the opposite direction, so when I came over the hill I could see him standing there, hair quaffed, nice jeans and shoes on, bag packed with spare pants and little else, and a smile on his face. We would spend so much time together in my car.

Dropping him off, I never wanted him to leave. We'd be there for hours talking, kissing, holding hands, wishing that the night could be ours together.

We were lying in my bed at uni, the window wide open, heads on the windowsill, looking up at the stars. We were under the duvet, cuddling, and he sang to me. He's the only person who ever sang to me.

He was on my doorstep holding a rose. And he had purposefully been on a mission through Southampton to find me a rose, because he knew I'd never been given flowers before. I took pictures of it so it will never wilt.

I can understand why he doesn't want to see me, or acknowledge my existence. I just miss him. I want to know whats happening in his life, what his little sister is called, what he's doing post-university, and there's just this hole.

I never got over him; I never had the time. I just forgot to think about him.

The really strange thing is that I used to believe he was the one. No matter how much we went through, I still believed that we'd be together again, we'd make it through, and we'd get married one day, have children and a dog and a nice house in the Home counties and the whole dream that we constantly spoke about felt so real, so attainable, and I don't know where that emotion went. I wonder whether part of my psychology has turned that assured future into a longing for a companion good enough to marry. Like, I've now set that in my sights. And maybe, in an even weirder, deeper way, thats why I had to leave Brighton and break up with Martin: because I could never see us getting married. Maybe, as much as I know I have broken too many people's hearts in the past, maybe I also broke myself.

Maybe I'm looking into this too much.

Needless to say, I hope that I'm not broken. And I also hope that somewhere in his anger, Whall can remember that good times too.

Sunday 23 September 2012

Invincible

Today I feel invincible. Tomorrow is so close, and I am so excited about starting this new chapter in the story of me, my life, and slowly writing the rest of the book at the same time. I get the feeling that this chapter is an important one. And its one year: one tiny year that will fly by and I don't want it to, I want to grab it and keep a hold of it and just enjoy every single second of it.

So today I can't be harmed in any way; no words can cut me down, no bruises will shine, no monsters will make me scream; I am confident in myself for one thing only and it makes me feel like I'm glowing. I can do this. I can be this person, and achieve exactly what I want to, and come hell or high water I will be my best this year.

Certain things fit into place in my head today.

The word 'perfect' should never have been invented, for there is no such thing as 'perfection'; only our own view, our own belief of what perfection is. And with that we can be perfect, but whilst the word has 7 billion definitions, we can only be perfect to ourselves. Trying to be more than that is a fruitless task.

And dreams are like emotions within us; no matter who else dreams the way that you dream, or who else knows what you dream, it does not mean it is not your dream. Your dream is your own to have, to hold on to, to long for and to become. It is more than lust or love, more than a friendship, more than a glimmer of hope, more than a desire: it is inside you, growing, and the more you acknowledge it, the more that you want and hope and pray for it, the stronger it becomes. You just have to know that. Trust in yourself, and in who are you, and in what you can do. We are all amazing, and we can achieve whatever we want to; you just have to find your grasp of dreams and never let go. Have faith. Know that you can be the best; perfect to yourself, and you can achieve your dreams, and more. Its all about knowledge.


Tuesday 18 September 2012

A Year Ago Today...

It was this week, possibly this date, can't remember exactly, that I started working for Molly Maid.

So I have been working as a cleaner for a whole year now.

Jesus Christ.


Also, I have a weird thing I like doing - when a friend sends me a message on facebook, I scroll right to the top of the messages, and read the whole way down. This is extremely funny with people like Sam, as our conversations are always hilarious, and then months / a year or so can pass with nothing, then they start up again like no time passed. And I just did it with Maria, and it's hilarious that most of them are just little things, like us discussing going to the gym, or laughing about adam or tim, or her sending me things to print off. But it makes me so sad that its all gone now. Living in our flats was so much fun, and I think I forgot to appreciate all the privileges, all the independent happy moments and all the purely simple things like cooking with a friend, having someone to come home to, and that amazing feeling of friends becoming family. I miss them. My old family. I miss the people I would speak to every day. And I hope they know how much I will cherish those memories.

Lastly, I'm home with my Dad all week, as Mum's on holiday. I'm cleaning up constantly, the builders (basically live here now) drink more tea than we have mugs for, and its freezing. Autumn is settling in the home, and with it comes a chill only my heart feels: the loneliness of winter, particularly Christmas, when mirrored with last year.

As a good friend once told me to remember, through thick and thin, "this too shall pass".

Friday 14 September 2012

Start of Term

You know how certain habits go with certain things? Like people who smoke always want one after a pint, or people who do exercise want healthy food after a work out, etc etc. Last night a brand new season of Glee started in America, so I watched it this morning, and it feels like I should be getting ready to go to a lecture, or go to the library. Glee is University for me - even last year when in Brighton, I'd watch it and feel a little rush of inspiration or something, so I would try to do something vaguely creative - and right now my fingertips are buzzing, wanting to do some writing. I want to drive up to the UEA right now, find a quiet spot in the library and read about film theory. I don't want to go to Ellingham Hall to clean for three hours, and later today go over to the Durrants auction and help my Mum. I want to be at the UEA already, I've got ten days to wait and I just can't, I'm brimming with excitement and eagerness.

Also, brand new episode of Glee made me cry twice. It is BACK! Now just for some New Girl, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother... and I'm sorted until Christmas!

Wednesday 12 September 2012

Angel Face

I was just going to call this Angel, but when I finally finish watching it (will be starting next week), I'm going to undoubtedly write a post about all five series of Angel.

It occurred to me today that some people are more contagious than others, in the sense that certain things have you gripped. If someone has you gripped on conversation, it would be very hard to not talk to them if they were near by, or not call them, or text them. If someone had you gripped whenever you looked at them, it'd be hard to ever look anywhere else. And if someone had once let you feel something, they got beneath your skin and you want that feeling back, your desire to get that again would overcome most other desires.

Well, he does all three, and its driving me a bit insane. And I can hear myself, feel myself going a bit crazy, but I don't know what on earth can stop it, apart from attaining him. But even then I'd still be consumed. Like a drug addiction; there's no win. And I find myself trying to distract myself - I've just spent the evening perusing youtube for all Josh Hartnett interviews (one of the five, and not overly youtubed him before). But now I'm just seeing similarities between them. And there aren't many, but my mind can still find them.

I know how little time there is until the MA starts, but it doesn't stop my impatience. And I know that if I can just get through the next eleven days, things will start to get better, look brighter, be easier. But then I see him, and he tells me he wants to join me when I go out in Norwich with people I meet. And he tells me he hopes my best friend comes home for Christmas, so we can spend New Year's Eve together. And he knows what's in my head; well, he knows I like him, and I'm sure after my drunken antics of last friday he knows how I think he has the face of an angel, and... yet he sits there, gathered together and all, and tells me these things that make those voices in my head tell me it's mutual. But he just sits there. And as much as I don't want to literally throw myself at him, I don't know what else to do. Am I too far in the friend zone? Was he only interested in sex when he didn't know me? Or is he waiting for something - and if so, what? Is it to do with the way that he thinks he needs to be his idea of perfection, and if he's not there yet, it's wrong, or something? Does he not see just how fricking perfect he already is?? GOD DAMMIT.

My head won't shut up. I sit myself in my study (pink sofa bed and all) and watch Buffy all day. I get up in the morning to go to work, really fucking tired because I haven't slept properly because I'm having a hundred and one vivid as fuck dreams. And a lot of them involve bizarre scenarios in which I look a fool. Last night he was dying; I think a car had hit him, and I run over to him but his sister pushes me away, (the sister I have not met... not that I can remember meeting the other one) and tells me to get lost; I obviously look annoyed, so she asks me, "who the hell are you anyway?".

I wonder if he's found this blog. I wonder if he knows more than he lets on, because occasionally he's far too on the ball, he remembers conversations I don't even remember having, and more specifically, the details I've told him. Like, little moments I've mentioned before, and he remembers them, like talking about Arthur the other day, I was like 'God, I haven't seen Arthur in fucking ages! Must be five years or so..." and he says, "the night on the trampoline under the stars?". I couldn't even bring up my last memory of him that quickly, but he could. But then I get paranoid sometimes. My stupid fucking brain.

I wonder if he's just 'playing foolies' with me. Just leading me on, some ridiculous elongated joke. I wonder if he did it as a bet or a dare, and he just hasn't been able to get rid of me. I wonder, in the darkest moments, if before that weekend when we first hooked up, he'd heard from Whall; a scheme was devised where Whall would tell him certain things to and not to do, so that they could break my heart, just like I broke Whall's heart. I wonder if they will ever talk to each other, and if they do, would I come up? Would he be ashamed to mention it? Or would he be evasive to avoid the awkwardness? So many shitty thoughts whizzing around my brain right now.

I once made a simile that my mind is like a tumble dryer, with a certain amount of things in, slowly getting dryed. Right now, he's the only thing in the dryer, but it's going at full speed because it's bogged down with more water than you'd think possible.

I feel a bit like I'm under a spell. And that four letter word is scaring me at the moment. This isn't; it can't be...

Sunday 2 September 2012

Nothing is real. Everything is permitted.

Hello world, this bright, shining rock that spins casually on its orbit, slowly revolving around a great mass of heat and energy, living a very co-dependent life with this burning gaseous monster, knowing that its life and existence depends upon it, but it will be the thing to ultimately end its life too. To need something that you know will kill you, end you, and be remorseless as you fail to exist away from its cruel clutches.

What even is true independence? The sun is a selfish, emotionless life-giver, and yet we all owe it our everything. And the Earth is patient and kind, it gives and gives and frankly takes little away, if you compare how many are born and live each day to how many stop living each day. This planet is over-stuffed with its generosity to feed us, house us and care for us. I believe that if there is a something up there, like a God, or whatever, it cannot choose between who to look after and who not to. It cannot pick a race or ethnicity, a place, a gender, a sexuality, an age, an ambition, or amount of ambition, a hope or chance in the future - it cannot decide who does and does not live, it simply gives everything to everyone, and the times it takes away are sporadic, unpredictable, yet we can learn from. We can learn which areas of this planet are most likely to suffer from drought, wild fires, mass spread of diseases, from natural disasters like earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, tsunamis and avalanches, and if we are fortunate enough to live in one of the lucky areas of the world that is very safe from these things, do we praise the rain every day for helping our crops to grow? Do we dance in the sunlight, rejoice in the process of photosynthesis, or thank the greater beings for our plentiful harvests? Do we look out to our flat and undisturbed countryside and thank our parents for living in this beautiful and harmless environment? Do we look upon horses, the biggest animals found wild in this country, if any wild ones are even left, and respect their power and grace, knowing that the much bigger monsters that roam the northern territories, the deadlier creatures with poisons and bites and stings that can kill, are miles and miles from us as we sleep safe and sound in our beds each night? Do we relish in the vast and incredible history our country has to offer, countless battles and wars lost and won, Kings and Queens dating back farther than our minds can even conceive, a relic which we touch and cannot imagine who else has touched it, used it, and been left in the history books, perfectly preserved through our glorious national pride and our heavily set importance of remembering what has passed, and remembering those who sacrificed, battled, loved and died for this country; within each village and each town and each city throughout this country is a place of worship, a great church or cathedral, built beautifully and thoughtfully so that all the praising of our bounty and good fortune could be done in the most elegant and respected of buildings, and each of these landmarks is surrounded by a reflection, a memory, and a plaque to those who lived, breathed, and once made some mark in this world, and their names are etched upon a stone, and they will be forever part of this country for they are buried in our soil and we have remembered them, and even those with no names or bodies, we make great memorials for, and we spend a day each year thinking of those who have fallen, unknown, slipping through the cracks in the history books into a place we cannot imagine, yet we try to put our minds there, and we try to become one entity of thought, a whole country praying that those people know they are still thanked each year, for fighting the good fight and giving us what we have today.

If those people knew how our country would be today, I don't know if they'd have fought as hard.


And the true question I pose is this: why do we do the things that we do? To what purpose, to what achievement, when we all know that we cannot live forever, what is it we want to leave here? What immortality do we wish to create for ourselves? Because each day I wake up and I work, and I earn money, and I long to spend it immediately on traveling, seeing my friends, seeing the world and taking in the beauty that I feel I cannot see whilst I'm stuck here, yet that money I earn is for my education for the next year, but what is that even for? I will still want to travel and see my friends, but I will just have to wait longer to do so. And will my education benefit me immediately, or will I have to wait a few more years until I reap the rewards? And what the hell is it I hope to reap from it anyway?

Right now, I am at a loss. I can make money doing jobs that I hope I don't have to do forever, and I feel so distant from everything around me, and I have this horrible sensation that I am becoming too attached to one of my only friends in Norfolk, but I think it might actually be a self-destructive attachment because I don't believe he wants to be that person to me, so inevitably I will get hurt, but my heart would rather be in pain than numb and not feeling anything at all. I want to go see Maria; I want to look at life positively, and I want to enjoy every moment I live, but my body slumps and shrugs, and instead of doing exercise I watch Buffy, and instead of writing a short story I write a long and whiny blog post. I need a change. September 24th is my hope right now. September 24th is the start of the new me, and there'll be no looking back.