Locked Out of Heaven

Many things in my head. These thoughts will come out jumbled and bizarre, but maybe that makes them more interesting.

I've been listening to lots of random new things, like Bastille and Tom Odell, and I want lots of albums of people like Ben Howard.

My current favourite song is below. Its like sex in a song. They covered it on Glee - and even they made it come out sexy. Grunting girls is always sexy.

I want to start drinking coffee. As I type this, I've just finished my first cup of percolated caffeinated sugary goodness. (I will enjoy the taste one day!) I want to be one of those people who drinks something even if they don't like it. I don't know why. I force red bull on myself and now I love it, so this is going to work. It doesn't work with men (as much as Jasmine wishes it did, as she's mentally match-making me with everyone she knows).

I enjoyed being at uni today. I felt a bit like a student for once.

Walking home the other day I saw a bunch of kids sitting in the pub, all drinking coke, and I missed the fat cat, and uni. I missed the boys, our group, just going to the pub at lunch time, eating shit loads, chatting crap and not getting anything done but its fine - we were socialising. I'm really looking forward to seeing those friendly faces this weekend. (On that note, I also realised that the last time we were all together as a group was when uni finished, almost two years ago. Even graduation, Coates wasn't there.)

I've made an 'ideas wall' so I can shove any notes, pictures, articles, ANYTHING relating to Dali up there to help my dissertation. Plus any other ideas.

I've become re-obsessed with McFly. This is what happens when I'm alone too long - I find men to love one way or another. Read their book over christmas - actually surprising at times. Not the average story of teenage boys shooting to fame. Also like to watch Tom's Wedding Speech on YouTube on a regular basis just to have a wee blub at how incredibly cute it is. And I'm weirdly excited for their next album, due this spring I think. If only I had a friend as sad as me to go see them with...

Have been spending lots of time with the Howarths. Charlie is so cute, and every time I see him it reinforces my hope of having children one day. He calls me Dora (he also called a log 'dog' - thinking he has problems with 'l's).

Watching lots of Angel. Its so good. Why didn't I watch it when it came out?

I'm trying to make efforts to enjoy university - enjoy learning, enjoy the atmosphere. I'm becoming more confident with my classmates, which is a plus. I still get paranoid and fear that they think I'm a giant douche. But hey.

I don't have any money at the moment. Yet I bought jasmine dinner last night. And I bought Marc a bacon and cheese turnover today. 'Cos I'm a sucker for needy people - show me a hungover student and I open my bag of medicines, water and oranges. (Or just one orange).

I'm really glad that the snow has gone.

I'm thinking about my birthday. I can see the end of January, so am planning what happens 53 after that.

Set up my PlayStation yesterday and played some Tekken. Got PlayStation thumb. Still, I completed arcade in 'hard' (with Jin, of course). Tonight I may treat myself to FF8.

Shit, I still have Carlo's FF7 game. Oops.

Watching far too much comedy. HIMYM, BBT, New Girl, Girls, 2 Broke Girls... (lots of girls).

Want to get back into exercising, but I just can't get myself to the gym. Going to ask Mum for a treadmill for my birthday. And some new clothes.

I'm SO EXCITED about Sam coming home at Easter. I don't know how long she'll be back for, but it coincides with my birthday which is EXCELLENT and GOD I can't wait to see her. I'm definitely getting the first round of drinks in!

And... I'm done.

Winter Warmer

Friday night is one of those nights that I will remember for a long time. Its stuck in my brain for good reasons, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is about it that was so... warm.

Bungay was covered in a layer of snow deep enough to warrant a hilarious snowball fight between myself, Ben, Luke and Dukie as we walked home from the pub sometime between 12 and 1am. We'd all had a fair few, had some good chats with the people we usually see at the pub, and as we walked home we replaced chat with snowballs to faces and Ben and Luke decided to ambush Dukie at one point, I think whilst he was trying to take a piss, and it ended in us all being wet and cold as we entered Ben's house. We hung all our wet garments around the kitchen and had a morgan's spiced and pepsi, and then Dukie went home. After struggling to find an extra blanket, Ben went to bed and me and Luke went up to the 'spare room', what used to be Louise's bedroom first, then she swapped with Alex, and now Alex has moved out it is empty but for boxes of storage crap, christmas decorations and random things that don't have a home. Louise's bed, unfortunately not that same one she had when I used to have sleepovers with her, is a double, but was kitted out with a single duvet, hence I needed an extra blanket. Luke had intentions of star-fishing all night, but I bagsied myself a me-shaped space and we both laid there, in our own blankets of warmth, still a bit drunk, and chatted shit for about an hour or so (one of those excellent chats which goes down in the list of 'memorable drunk chats' alongside trampoline-chat with Arthur), before eventually falling asleep.

Sometimes I can wake up where ever I am and go about my day normally, but most of the time, if I've slept somewhere unexpected, have make-up from yesterday smeared down my face, my throat tastes like alcohol, and I'm hearing the deep snores of a male in the same bed as me, my day will be pretty shitty. But not this day. The snow on the window meant there was little light coming through, and the trap door was shut, blocking the sound of the screaming two year old downstairs. We came too; Luke text his girlfriend, facebooked his friend about sledging possibilities, and I remembered I had to go home and watch the last two episodes of Fringe (ever!). Laying there, in the morning glow, something bizarre dawned on me: I'd never realised how good friends I was, how close I was, with Luke before. All those random nights out we've had together have amalgamated into this casual friendship which involves him shoving me to the farthest edge of the bed and bringing up the "you owe me a hand-job" joke. I ventured out of the blanket to relieve my desperate bladder and get some pints of water, and as I got back under my nicotine-scented blanket, kept warm by Luke star-fishing again, we both fell back asleep, and as I woke up for the second time I realised how nice it felt to be waking up in this house. To hear the sound of Charlie and Louise as they made pancakes in the kitchen, and the sound of Sue drying her hair, and then the slow sound of Ben having some breakfast too. And I was laying next to a guy I have known for almost a decade, we used to work together, we always get drunk and joke around (and on this occasion, I laughed so hard I dribbled water all down myself), and apart from his nasal issues we had had a peaceful night's sleep. And I had to go home and kill eight hours before heading to work: not knowing how to spend eight hours in your own home, compared to enjoying an evening of drinks and a night of laughter and sleep in someone else's home, is a weird juxtaposition. I didn't want to leave that room. I didn't want to have to get dressed into my many layers of clothes to face the snow. I wanted to be able to stay in that house, with those people, and all the warmth and happiness, laughter and relaxation all day long.

But we had to leave. I just hope that the next time we all get drunk and crash at Ben's isn't too far away, because its truly my happiest place.

Breaking Benjamin

... is a great band. And also makes this blog post sound like its about something entirely different.

I've got an appointment with my doctor in two weeks, just before the trip to Newbury. This appointment may be one of those moments that changes my life forever. Or it may be a huge, crushing disappointment, or a total waste of time. But I'm really hopeful that this will help me turn a new page in life, and get back on track.

So to follow on from the last blog post - I'm fixing myself. Piece by piece. A fire has singed a lot of the jigsaw, and some bits are totally unrecognizable, totally burned, scarred and defaced, but most of the jigsaw is still there, and when it's all back together it will show a very similar picture. But those charred pieces will have to be removed, re-painted, re-designed and I hope to make them more colourful, more arty, and more happy. The whole picture might not notice the change, but I'll know what I've done. I'll know how my jigsaw fits together, and which pieces are the prettiest.

For now, I just hope that my banks don't break.