Stones and Marbles

So, the road trip went well. I spent a lot of money on petrol, but I believe it was worth every penny. It was nice to see everyone and I have some more fun memories to add to the list of why 2013 is better than 2012.

I've since been watching some bizarre things on Youtube. Firstly, the 'shit girls say' videos, which made me die with laughter, as they are so true, and I am guilty of most of the things in the video. And that lead me to the video blog of one Jenna Marbles. I'd heard of her before, somehow, and now I find her voice has resonated in my mind, and my own thoughts sound like her voice. She's just so damn right about most things.

Maria and I went to a little town called Clevedon, near Weston-Super-Mare, to see her sister. We bought sweets (I bought an awesome milkshake), we went the charity shops, we went to a little boutique and I got some new shoes, bag, scarf and necklace, and the sisters got to spend some good time together. Then we drove down to the beach and had a walk on the cliffs and on the rocks, and picked stones. I brought a couple back with me and added them to the plate I have in my room, which consists of: the buddha-shaped incense holder; a shell I picked off Brighton beach which is slightly imperfect, and reminded me of me; stones Milli and I picked at Dunwich beach; stones Maria picked off Thorpeness beach; a few stones I found in my bad after Dukie and Ben weighed my bag down with them on Covehithe beach; a marble from when I was a kid; a couple random things I've forgotten over the years but have added to the plate because they look like they'd belong there. This little plate sits on my windowsill, near my candle, and I never burn my incense anymore because the dust and crap goes all over the white windowsill and Mum tuts a lot, but I like to see them and remember what that plate represents to me. Little chunks of beaches, of marine life, a shell and a bit of slate - it's the world, pressed and changed over time, where I have been, on one plate. It's my version of the world so far, and I can make it what I want, I can add stuff, take stuff away, throw the whole thing away, buy a bigger plate to transfer it to - it is all under my control, I just need to decide what to do with it.

I'm having a lot of trouble with decisions at the moment.

I don't know what I want at all, and I wish I could answer just a couple of the questions in my head, but so far its pretty blank up there.

Do I want a relationship, or do I just like the idea of one? Do I want to leave Norfolk, or do I just want to leave home? Do I want to pursue my dream, or do I want to find a stable job for a while? Would I rather live here unhappy but relatively at ease with having no money, or do I want to move out, be happy, but be broke / even more in debt and panicking about it?

What is actually important to me at the moment, and what could I live without?

Who is important enough to hold on to, and who could I live without / away from?


I have an essay due in two days. Once thats in and done, its dissertation-station. Nothing but that for the next 123 days (four months).

I'm shitting myself a little bit. Here's hoping I can answer those questions and pull through at the last minute.

My Car and I

We're off on an adventure tonight.

At about quarter to ten this evening, I'll set off, heading for Stansted Airport, where I will be picking up a Maz-shaped person.

We will drive to Bristol, eating chocolate, drinking red bull, maybe even real food will be consumed.

Maybe have a drink in Bristol before heading to the hostel.

Tomorrow morning bright and early will we shimmy down to Weston-Super-Mare to see her half-sister for breakfast / brunch.

We will then drive from WSM to Torquay, Devon. I don't know which parent she's heading to first, but will we no doubt get a bit of lunch or something, and then I will bid farewell to one of my best friends, and set off without her, heading east for Southampton.

Probably early evening time I will arrive, park up at the Travelodge, shower and change, and then go find my boys. Specifically Coates, Will, Al, maybe Macina, and Sophie. And I will buy Coates a birthday drink, and merriment will be had, and if all else fails, Sophie and I will be drinking on a park bench.

Then Thursday morning, we breakfast, probably in Frankie and Bennys. Maybe have a cheeky cocktail too! And maybe even stay long enough to visit the Cowherds. And then I journey back to Norfolk to make it to Norwich for my 7pm shift at the Rumsey.


And that, my friends, is how me and the yaz roll. Just bouncing from place to place, enjoying the smiles and the sunshine.

So I'll see you on the other side!

If Music Be the Food of Love, Play On.

Music is in my head all day long. Every car journey I take, I surround myself with my music. Sometimes my dreams have soundtracks, or just one song, which plays in my head as I dream. So over the years, I have associated certain songs with certain people. Not just like 'this one time I was listening to this song and thought of this person so now I call it 'our song'' - no no. These are songs that always, no matter what the situation, make me think of that person. And they always will, because the association can never be broken, only replaced by a stronger association. And so, another list begins:

Evanescence - My Immortal: Helen. She played in non stop one christmas holiday. I also can't hear Viva La Vida because she overplayed that too. Thanks.

Backstreet Boys - Poster Girl: Charlie. When we were in California/Nevada, on greyhounds for hours, and she told me that the few albums I'd put on her tiny pink iPod mini was all she had to listen to, but she really liked the new BSB album. I was so happy, and it reminds me of the sunshine on the West Coast now.

Robbie Williams - Feel: James. Such a cool dude, he loves the Robbie. I love him for that.

System of a Down - Chop Suey / BYOB / Cigaro: Sam. Just us drunkenly singing. Our car trips, our late night shenanigans. Also, Thnks Fr Th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy, and a couple MCR songs always remind me of our youth.

(on that note) Fall Out Boy - Sugar We're Going Down: Kristy. I think we sang it every day for a month. And then the rest of the class heard it, and we were like 'bitch please that is so last month'. LOL.

(thinking about it, not many other songs directly remind of people from school. weird.)

Feeder - High: Barnaby. His favourite song, I'd always listen to it on my way to see him. Makes me think of the warm summer evenings, my moped, the 580 bus, and his dog Jasper.

Rhianna - Umbrella: Shane. Sounds weird, but because they did a cover of the song, and it was one of the best five minutes of all time: the heavens opened, poured, and I just smiled up at him and his best mates on stage. 

Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger / Biffy Clyro - Mountains / The Killers - Mr Brightside: Ben. Also, slightly weirdly, some songs from the high school musical films (we watched them together a lot). Also, any other killers or fratellis song. Also, I still get a little lump in my throat when I'm caught off-guard by these songs. 

30 Seconds to Mars - From Yesterday / Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me / The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love / Limp Bizkit - Rollin': Matt. For the karaoke, obviously, and with From Yesterday, I don't entirely know why. I think it's his favourite 30stm song? But either way, always makes me think of him, every single time.

Death Cab for Cutie - Follow Me into the Dark (/any song) / Charlie Simpson - All At Once: Martin. Oh, and 'I've got five on it', whoever that's by. Makes me smile when I hear them. I guess that's a good thing? Also the Dawson's Creek themes (yes, both of them). 

The Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles): Al. Big Gay Al. Also 'are you gonna be my girl', and bloodhound gang - bad touch. Worrying that I hear that song and think of him, right?

Take That - Shine: Coates. 

(Most of these are influenced by karaoke, yes, but we did go every week for like two year, or something absurd. I heard the same songs being sang by the same boys A LOT.)

Kenny Loggins - Footloose / the 'what a feeling' song from flashdance / Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up / Micheal Jackson - Thriller / Billie Jean / etc: Reflex nights. So much hilarious dancing. Filming Macina dancing to Jacko. Me, Sophie and Joanne pelting across the dancefloor when footloose came on. The limbo game. The tacky dancers. Oh, it all comes screaming back, and I love it. Also, memories of necking vodka red bull and/or jaeger bombs. Yum.

David Bowie - Life on Mars (+Ashes to Ashes) / A-Ha - Take On Me / Ultravox - Vienna / Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow: Sophie. Also, the theme to Jonathan Creek. Driving to Bournemouth, BEP's was the big summer song, and was possibly in our heads all day? Either way, always brings back memories.

That song by Delilah / That dubstep track with the dirty drop / SO MANY SONGS: Maria. So much music was heard from her room over the years, it's hard to think of each song, but whenever I hear those random songs she'd play at full blast first thing, when I'd be casually sitting in the living room eating breakfast, or when we'd tidy the burlington flat, or just any time, I just remember smells and colours, happiness and love. It's so strange, as its not really a specific memory, but it is my memory working in the weirdest way. And I love it. No matter how far apart we are, I can hear those songs and remember so much good stuff, and it cheers me up. I guess thats how friendships could survive before skype was invented! Either way, more so than anyone else, she's got ownership over so many songs in my memory.

Despite having been hanging out together for all our lives, there's not one song I can think of that reminds me of Howarth. How bizarre.

Music is such a strong tool, and I hope that whenever people are reminded of me when they listen to songs, its good things that they remember, not my awful singing.

Gnarls Barkley

A definition of craziness is repeating the same act multiple times but hoping for a different result.


...



So, I'm a crazy person.



But hey, most of you already knew that. I can't imagine anyone is shocked. And there is definitely no sympathy. If anything a bit of envy, as some of the best writers in history have been known to suffer from mental instability or illness.


I just hope I don't go the same way as Zelda Fitzgerald or Sylvia Plath.

The Oncoming Train

Have I died?


Is this my life, or someone else's? And if it is 'mine', do I control it, or just live within it?


Are the people I once knew the same people, or are they becoming lost from their former selves too? Will we all recognise each other in years to come, or will we all be so estranged from the people we were when we were friends that the recognition is only skin deep?


Can any one hear my screaming?


I want out. I want out of whatever I've put myself into. And every time the woman from the 'anxiety and depression NHS clinic' calls and asks the mandatory questions about if I want to die, have considered dying or am trying to hurt myself in any way, I have to laugh at her. No, I don't want to die, I want to fucking LIVE, and I can't. I'm stuck in this existence without the joy of living, feeling, breathing, laughing and hoping.


I want my life to be back on track. Why did I ever decide to do a masters? Why did I ever decide to move home?


If I had the money, I'd have gone already. But I'm more broke than ever before.



For once, I can tell my ex that yeah, he has a point - money does lead to happiness - only because right now, money would make me happy. In every other situation he's still a douche for saying that no one is happy without money.


Here's hoping he's as miserable as I am, yet with a bank full of dollar.