I feel lost at sea. I don't know which way to swim to get to land. I don't know if I should just start swimming, because there eventually will be land, or to wait, to get a better grasp, or to just float uselessly and hope the tide takes me back to shore. Eventually, if I stay here, I might get killed by a shark. But I have no idea, and the fear of what is beneath me is equal to the fear that lies ahead of me. So I just tread water like a dick head, not knowing what to do, knowing that every second in which I haven't decided is a second in which I could have been doing something.
Life. Money. Writing. Work. Love. Sex. Alcohol.
All the things that I feel I need to be getting on with, need to push past, are thwarted by my need for the other things that my fragile mind can't seem to cope without.
God I want to drink myself into numbness.
Instead I'm surrounding myself with tv shows, with story lines and plots and characters and other lives. I'm submerging myself into the world of Skins so that I can avoid my own life, my own problems. My extremely first world problems. My pathetic unrequited problems. My hopeless yet unending problems.
Tuesday 12 November 2013
Thursday 7 November 2013
NOvember
I'm putting the 'no' into November by giving up a few things that are pretty bad for me: Alcohol, Sex and Swearing. This makes it sound like in October I was a party-tw*t and had an over abundance of all those things. This is not necessarily the case - for the most part, I'm just trying to clean my act up a bit. Have a bit of will power, self-restraint, and most of all, sort my life out so I feel less guilty when Christmas rocks around.
This afternoon I'm sorting more of my life out. I'm organising my 'study area' which until now has just been piles of papers, magazines, ideas and things dumped unceremoniously in an incarnation of 'work pending'. As this week I have been working the creative juices around my body for the first time in months, I feel in the mood for getting stuff done. I'm thinking about projects, about my dissertation, about how to relieve some of this pent-up emotion, and actually being a person, not just a robot who goes to work and worries about paying the bills.
I also finished Assassin's Creed 2 (again) the other day, so I can put the x-box controller down for a little while. Give my eyes a break. Turn back to the good old TV, and try get through the unending list I've made for myself.
I want to set myself targets, I want to push myself, I want to feel like I'm achieving stuff.
This week I made a trailer for my friend Gemma's play. She's the most useful person I met doing my masters, and I really hope that she's available when my dissertation comes knocking.
This afternoon I'm sorting more of my life out. I'm organising my 'study area' which until now has just been piles of papers, magazines, ideas and things dumped unceremoniously in an incarnation of 'work pending'. As this week I have been working the creative juices around my body for the first time in months, I feel in the mood for getting stuff done. I'm thinking about projects, about my dissertation, about how to relieve some of this pent-up emotion, and actually being a person, not just a robot who goes to work and worries about paying the bills.
I also finished Assassin's Creed 2 (again) the other day, so I can put the x-box controller down for a little while. Give my eyes a break. Turn back to the good old TV, and try get through the unending list I've made for myself.
I want to set myself targets, I want to push myself, I want to feel like I'm achieving stuff.
This week I made a trailer for my friend Gemma's play. She's the most useful person I met doing my masters, and I really hope that she's available when my dissertation comes knocking.
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