Sunday 16 March 2014

Mountains

Turn everything upside down to get a different look at it. It might look messy and muddled, but through the confusion you might be able to find a solution, an angle you hadn't yet considered, or a new way to look at the muddle itself. Maybe it has to be a muddle, and you cannot unmuddle it, you must just accept it and live with it.

My room is a muddle and I'm turning it upside down to correct it. My car is a mess and needs a good scrub. My face, my nails, my hair are still dirtied with hard work but I cannot fix these until the other two things are fixed. I want to organise more; I want to plan adventures and excitement and my life more than a week at a time. I need to apply my newly established managerial skills to my own life.


I went to a gig with Ben recently - The Boxer Rebellion. I've come to really like this band, and they are filling in the blanks between being in a good mood and being in a bad mood at the moment. Its peaceful  yet emotional. Its entirely middle of the road, and its calming to be there with them.

I also had another dream about the one who haunts my dreams last night. I haven't dreamt of him for a while, but last night (as it was one of the best nights sleep I'd had in some time), he made a reappearance. And it was a bizarre, jolting reappearance, because he told me that he still loved me, and always would, and if I wanted him to, he'd fight for me. But I told him I thought it strange that he'd only fight for me if I wanted him to - surely if he loved me that much, he'd fight no matter what. And he said that no, he loved me more than that - its why he's avoided me this whole time - because he wanted me to go and experience life, and do all those things that I might not have done if he'd been with me. He told me that he was happy to see me doing well, but he knew that he couldn't see me and not say anything. And I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't get a grip on any emotion and I just stood there, lost in the eyes that I haven't seen for four years, and I hugged him and smelt that same aftershave he always wore, and he hugged me the way he always used to - so tight that I got lifted up slightly. And this morning it felt so real, like I could still smell him. My memory of him is still so sharp, and I wonder if that will ever fade. So it makes me wonder further - my reason for having these dreams, and such a vivid memory - is it because I still love him?

I have no answers, no questions, no place to put this thought. It can only be answered when I see him again. If I ever see him again.