Wednesday 11 June 2014

The Labrador

Every time I come home, I look out for what cars are on the roads. I glance at the pub, I double check our road. And when his car isn't there, I'll almost always try stay up til midnight when he comes home.

'Try', because I usually fall asleep on the sofa watching TV. Sometimes I hear him coming, and wake up. Sometimes he wakes me up, tells me to get to bed. Once, he just turned the TV down and went straight to bed, so I missed him.

Our working schedules are totally different. I'm up early, home in the evenings, and he's up late, working til close. We only cross paths properly when one of us has a day off, or when we end up at the pub / drinking at the flat together.

I wake up when he comes in with Ben from the pub. I'll get myself a glass of water and sit with them for as long as my eyes stay open.

They dropped cigarettes in my car last week, and I keep looking at the four cigarettes, considering smoking them, just to practise, so I can join them when they go out to smoke. Just for the extra five minutes.

I love our late night chats. It'll sometimes be 2, 2.30 before I head to bed. And the time literally flies. There will be something on the TV, or an xbox game, as background noise. Sometimes the chat is artificial, it's work and complaining and silly little anecdotes. Sometimes its deeper, its our friends, its the flat, its our own lives. And every now and then, it'll be a glimmer of complete honesty, this man who I have only known for two years but I feel more comfortable around than all the other boys. And then we head our separate ways and I lie in bed thinking about him, I fall asleep dreaming about him.

I have no reason to think he sees me as anything more than a friend. But I can't stop my feelings; I can't stop my head.


I know now that I'm going to be in Bungay until after christmas. And I really hope, no matter what else happens, that he's still in this flat too. With everything else that's been going on, changing, and might still change, he is my point of normality and my happiness.

I wish he knew. Every now and then I look at him, and his face breaks, he smiles, or looks happily vacant, and I want to paint that picture into my brain.


Tomorrow, it'll happen all over again. But its worth it for his smile, his laugh, and his company.

Thursday 5 June 2014

Climbing and Falling

I'm so hungover, its making everything ache. My head is just heavy with everything and I don't remember the end of last night so its all a bit too blurred for my liking.

One thing is very clear though. I have feelings for my flatmate. I'm far too attracted to him, its quite worrying. I'm going to try do insanity for 6 weeks, and cut down on my drinking massively, both for health reasons and the worry that I'm going to get drunk and say/do something stupid.


Soon, it'll be the end of summer, and something more important will be looming in the distance. I've got to focus on right now, but my eyes keep wandering into the distance, wondering what might be over the hill. I can't know without climbing this hill, but I wish someone could at least go up the hill first and tell me its fine, but they can't - I have to do this journey alone.

And maybe on the other side of the hill, I'll have fallen for someone who will actually catch me.