Awkward.

I've just starting watching a teen 'dramady' called Awkward. It's pretty light, pretty funny, and pre escapism from my life right now. I can't describe the things in my head, the things I'm trying to ignore, and the things that whirl through my dreams each night. I know that there is no quick fix or good solution, there's only patience and hope. So right now, when both are wearing thin and my dreams are more and more baffling by the day, I must just escape the day somehow and give my brain something simple and distracting to munch on.

I'm very confused about my feelings for people at the moment. Like, not all people, but lots of different people. My flat mates, my best friends, people I used to fancy, all the emotions I had sorted into categories are now being diluted, swapped and boiled down to nothingness. Things are simplified when I have a relatable source - and right now, I just think of the savage garden lyric "love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain - and feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your vein." Go listen to Gunning Down Romance. When angry, put it on in your car, full volume, and sing so loudly your own ears hurt. It's a great way to release bitterness and anger.

A month of madness

I realised yesterday how much I miss my late-flat-mate. He wasn't the best flat mate in the world, but he was my flat mate. And god bless his soul, he's now flatting in the dark depths of London. I hope the world doesn't crush his hopes and dreams.

His room is now occupied by Henry, who is never in the flat when I am in the flat. Our days off do not coincide, and he works from midday until midnight or later, whereas I work from the morning until mid evening. Our paths barely cross, so when I hear him coming home at 12.30am and cracking open a beer with Ben, I go out and sit with them, enjoy their company, and chew the fat for three hours. It's a comfort, like a teddy bear or a security blanket, to have someone in the flat to talk with. Its felt like I don't have that recently, because of a mixture of things. 

Firstly, because Jack has gone, and he was my go-to kid for all things pointless. If it wasn't playing / watching the other play assassins creed for hours, it was sharing a bottle of wine and just gabbling about life. 

Secondly, because second flat mate is slightly pre-occupied at the moment. And he seems to be distanced by his pre-occupation, more so than just 'being busy'. 

Thirdly, because all I want is to be able to talk about the thousands of things in my head that only a handful of people can fully understand, and most of those people just don't turn up in my house every night for shits and giggles.

And lastly, because I'm doing that weird things where I disappear into myself. I'm so busy thinking about the restaurant, my parents, my sisters, the world, the other things I need to keep in my head until I can get them sorted, that my immediate worries and insecurities get pushed aside, pushed inside, and swallowed up within myself. One day they have to come out; I just hope it's not in a drunken spiel with a dozen witnesses. I hope my dignity can remain slightly intact for this one. 

Meanwhile, I manage a coffee house / restaurant, I mull over the looming dissertation, I hope to be able to do exercise soon because my jeans are getting tighter and my wallet has no idea what to expect over the next few months.

I'm excited to see the kids for my birthday though. Especially the brummey one, as he was missing from the last reunion.