Monday 28 July 2014

A Line in the Sand

Time is a fractured substance which floats around us, blinds us, confuses us, blocks our views of both past and future, and more than wanting to see clearly, we all wish to reach out and grab it. It's dust, it is light bouncing off particles, and we know it is always there but we can not understand it, touch it or move it.

The easier thing to do is to look at the world in a non-linear fashion. Time gives us chronology, lines, stories and endings. The world is a spinning ball of rock and it is shaped by the ideal of time.

Break the rules and see the world how you want to see it.



I want to go to Tokyo. I haven't left this country in a really long time, and I'm itching for adventure. I miss my two best friends, I miss their smiles and the way the help me see the world clearer. I long to be closer to both of them. Money will play havoc on my mind, but I'm determined to make this work.

I want to hold his hand. I want to talk to him about depression; about how I think it comes and goes in waves for me at the moment, and I can feel his in waves too, and I want to help, but I'm scared of putting myself out there. I'm scared he'll tell me exactly what Luke told me. I'm scared of feeling so shit and useless that the waves get bigger and I can't take my mind away from it enough to see the obvious cracks of anxiety and paranoia being filled with fear and misery. I'm scared, because I want to do so much more than hold his hand, and those desires are terrifying. I'm scared of opening up to someone; it's been such a long time, and my recent experiences of 'intimacy' have not been intimate at all. I want to open up and fall in love but those things are so terrifying that I'd rather stay quiet and let the waters of fear lap at my toes, rather than dive in to the ocean, not knowing how deep, how dark, how strong or how cold it might be.

I need to sort my life out. Everything is a bit of a jumble. My head is a jumble. Every day is a jumble of emotions and whilst I have no solution for it, I have no desire to solve any other jumbles either.


I need to break my rules, and attack this problem head on. I need to see myself how I want the world to see me.

So much to do, so little energy to do it with.

Wednesday 9 July 2014

Brewing

I can't grab hold of time right now. It's like silky sand slipping through my fingers. Its July and I keep thinking that We only just finished April.

Everything feels big, climactic, important at the moment. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but for all the wrong reasons. I can sense a lot is coming, changing, happening soon. I guess I'm just holding up what I can hold up to lessen the impact for others. Something is going to rock all our boats soon; and I think I know what it might be. 

Hungover again today. Questioning the point of poisoning myself. Its nice to feel numb, but it hurts so much that its not really worth it. 

I have decided some things about boys. I have to prove to them who I am, and I have to prove to myself who I'm not. He might take me seriously then.


Lots of shit in my head. Lots of thoughts about myself when I was 13. Lots to keep my mind busy.


And yet, my brain drifts, and I lose all the control I ever had. 

The more I picture it, I tell myself, the more likely it is to come true. To picture your hopes and goals is to be closer to obtaining them. But to imagine yourself in certain scenarios all the time and then have to snap back to the reality of sitting at least three feet from each other, is a little more like torment.

Something will happen soon. I can feel it brewing,