Tuesday 10 February 2015

You're The One That I Want

Can you look into my eyes and tell me that I'm beautiful?
Can you promise me that you do love me, even if it's not in that way?
Can you hold my hand safely in yours, fingers wrapped around mine, and guide me to where I need to go?

I can't leave here, because I can't leave you. I'm addicted now; like a moth to flame.

It's sick, that I slightly enjoy my own heartache. Like a muse, I find myself writing more, reading more, watching, learning, listening more. Like a flower opening up to sunlight, and accidentally letting all the bees in. 

You know that scene from love actually, with Andrew Lincoln and Kiera knightly, and the big flash cards? He tells her that he loves her 'without hope or agenda'. I can't. I will always hope; it's my one weakness, my downfall in front of you, that I can't stop hoping.

Maybe one day you'll fall for me. Maybe it will be the same day I stop hoping. 

But whilst nothing changes, I won't make my feelings your burden or guilt. 
I will tell you that you are beautiful, and really mean it.
I will tell you that I love you,  in the best way.
I will hold your hand if you need a friend, and I will help you get where ever you want to go, because I want to go there too.

Sunday 1 February 2015

'Cos You're There For Me Too

I've always had a bit of an issue with the term 'best friend'. Like, one person who is better than all other people is the best. With that terminology, each person can only have one best friend. I have half a dozen, because they're all amazing at certain things. 

More so than usual, my best friends have been helping me keep my head, and my heart, in the right place. And thank god I have more than one; if I'd had to dump all the stuff I have onto one friend to help me with, they would not have been as strong as the five people around me have been instead.

Sam
You've done something which no one else could do: you've taken the one thing I couldn't untie myself from and you've burnt the knot for me. We already know that time and space doesn't change our friendship; now we have to remember how to be best friends in the same time and space. It feels weird sometimes, like we need to put in some boundaries or restrictions. I'd rather have you here than not; I know you help me more than you are an awful influence (especially on my liver), and it feels nice to be able to give you what I've got: supportive, stupid friends to escape work with.

Ben
I don't notice it until you go to work. I pretend that I have my life more in order than you but at the end of the day, you'll tell me to go to bed, to not have that last pint, to try judge life on more than the issues I have with my family. To know me inside out, to know when I need a hug and when I need a kick up the arse, and to know that no matter what, we'll always be best friends, in our superman and batman costumes, mucking around in the driveway, pretending to be superheroes.

Henry
I wanted, at 9am the other day, watching you munch your way through yesterdays rice, your shirt and cardigan clashing, your eyes red with alcohol and a lack of sleep, to tell you that I consider you one of my best friends. That I think the reason I still have feelings for you is because you are a much better person than most of the people I tend to fall for. But you're also an idiot who stays up all night just because someone else is still awake, will continue drinking even when he's too far gone, will refuse to eat even when he's hungry, will give up smoking just to start again, will drink tea in the middle of the night even though he can never get to sleep, and will always be here for me, and have a chat with me, and stay up late with me, even though you know that you are the problem.

Luke
We've had a weird year and a half, but its been the best decision I ever made and I have you to thank for that entirely. Not just for orchestrating yourself and Jack to move out, or just for finding this particularly magnificent pile of bricks and wood that we call home; not just for creating the feel of a family, having dinner together, watching films and making this place feel like a better version of home, or for doing your best to piss off everyone else in the flat when you come home: I mainly want to thank you for taking a chance and inviting me into this world too; its not something that is clearly visible to the others, but I'll always make us dinner, keep this place clean and be happy to see you home, because you're the one who gave me this chance in the first place.

Chris
Its surprising how much has happened between us. That first summer, at the locks, involved lots of working, lots of drinking as a group, and occasionally us doing random things together. And since then you've become a part of this flat, you've grown up and we've all changed in little ways and now I find myself entirely grateful for all the weird things that have happened between us, as I have an amazing friend to laugh with, sit comfortably with, and get drunk with, and on the odd occasion that I can't handle my drink, he deals with drunk, crying, ridiculous me. I can't thank you, or apologise, enough.

I love you guys.