The in-between space, the gap between the chapters, the blank space after a cliff hanger.
I feel suspended in nothing; unmoving, dangling, teetering on the edge of last year but not quite falling into the future of the coming months.
Someone once told me that a culture, I think in Maria told me, so it might be Italians or Japanese, use the phrase 'look forward' the other way around. Their metaphor is that we are walking backwards, seeing the past, blind to the future. I've always thought its much more appropriate, and sensible. The only thing it lacks is the optimism of moving forward; the idea that you are moving 'on', you are getting better, levelling up, learning. I think that's why our culture describes it as forwards and backwards - we have to believe that there is more, there is progression, that forwards is further, its harder, its happier, its a greater sense of achievement, its a stronger sense of understanding.
I don't know which way I'm facing. I'm dangling off a cliff, slowly spinning in the wind.
Which way is up from here?
I'm excited for my holiday, for getting away for a few days to clear my head and sort through the piles of thoughts that have been gathering dust and tattered edges, as I've shuffled them, organised them, moved them around and then got them all out again for re-evaluation. Its fair to say that I over-think things.
I wish one of them would realise how much I need a win right now. How long its been, and how the little negatives have started to feel really heavy.