Back in the house of no emotion, and this time, something has changed. I'm so aware of the last time I lived here; scared of depression and the eeking loneliness that settles solemnly over Broome. Lost in thoughts I don't want to have, trying to keep my mind focused and therefore falling back into habits I wish I could shun; YouTube is the devil when it comes to my fanciful mind.
And whilst I ponder, it dawns on me that I miss the people who have made me stronger.
I miss Maria, I miss making memories and laughter with one of the greatest people I ever met. If anyone ever gave me strength, belief and hope, she tops that chart.
I miss the boys (and Newman), for the feeling of being surrounded by people with similar dreams. A collective ambition, a drive, a push we all force on each other - something I know associate with being a student.
I miss Matt all the time. I wish I knew how to fit into his life again.
I long for adventures, to go off where ever my feet take me and not think about reality, and not have to come back home to deal with debt and depression and disease.
Mostly, I miss the girl I've known for 10 years. It's complicated, and very hard to explain, but I miss the person who I knew in say April. And the last three times I saw her, she wasn't that person I knew inside out. She was different, and pulling away, and I don't miss the person she now is. I don't long to see her and talk to her and reconcile whatever problems we have, because I don't recognise the person she's become. But I do miss the old her and I wonder what the hell happened to that girl. I wonder what it is that changed, and I felt it in my gut, and now I guess I'll never know. I heard a line from a song that went "best friends forgive". At least I know that I did forgive her, and I told her that. The rest is her own doing.