Separated by One Wall

I can't get over you.

Its a safe assumption that I won't be under you anytime soon either.

I feel myself getting wrapped around you; I can't get away long enough to get free. Like elastic, or a magnet, I just get drawn straight back.

Its the most frustrating thing. I have become bitter, twisted, angry at others who have similar issues. Somehow this bubbly feeling that happens, somewhere between my lungs and my liver; its broken me.

I wish I could hit delete on this emotion. I wish I could undo this year for the sake of not wasting my time with it. I wish I could just yell all these feelings at you and then run away for a month and not have to deal with you being so damn charming about everything.

I wish I could become 'default drunk laura' and just numb all emotions, sleep with random people and come out of the situation through the wrong door. That version of me has gone. I think she got lost in the maize.

I wish I didn't feel so disgusting when Duke tried it on with me. I wish I could just say 'yeah, why not' and wake up to another mistake.

I can't. I can't let other people in while you are in my head. I can't even let other people touch me while you are in my head. Im a helter skelter on your little finger because I don't know how to do anything now. Even a quick drink at the pub... well, leads to this.

Have me. Hurt me. Hate me. Hit me. Harass me.   Help me. Do something. Anything.

Because I can't live here, like this, for much longer.

Thank You

We say it a lot this time of year: as we pay for presents, as we hand over gifts and receive tokens of love, we thank those around us. How much do those two words mean, how far do they go, and what positivity do they spread in a world of finding negatives and disregarding our own faults just to criticize others?

I want to thank a few people. This isn’t Thanksgiving, I’m not jumping on the American tradition, I just think that if there is one time in the year to actually show some emotions and happiness and gratitude, its at Christmas.

Two people I want to thank for having the courage to engage in conversation. The silence I heard for too long created a certain ring, a shrill tinnitus at the back of my mind. The ringing has stopped and I’m so happy just to have opened over that conversation box again. I know the risks and the problems that might come along with it all, but thank you for risking it anyway. Thank you for wanting to hold on to our friendship too.

To the new family, the mish mash of kids and teenagers who I spend more time with than my actual friends and family, on the most part, you’ve made the small hell I might be in more bearable. You’ve made me laugh, made my job easier, and stuck up for me, and especially the two favorites, I can’t imagine a week at the Tree without your presence. Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Of all the friends, of all the people who have stuck their neck out for me or given me a hand when I was falling, there is one person I need to thank more than any one else. One person who has literally been a shoulder to cry on, he’s put up with my drastic mood changes and issues, had his ear talked off about all the struggles I couldn’t cope with and been company, even if its just a silent presence, the knowledge that he’s in the next room, and if I need to break down and freak out, he’s right there, and he’ll make me a tea and tell me to buck up, life could be worse.

To Matt and David, to Milo and Molly, and to Henry: thank you. It’s been a strange year, so here’s to next year being bigger, better, and brighter.