I hate to quote My Chemical Romance (whatever happened to them?), but that's the feeling I have today.
I haven't been able to deal with any of the feelings I have. I don't even know what feelings I have. I go from being angry to being sad to being incredibly remorseful to being an unforgiving bitch and back to being sad again and it's impossible. When I let my head go there, when I start letting it out, it's like I'm rolling three necklaces together and they become this big horrible knot of everything and I can't even begin to untangle it all.
I miss him.
I left, wanting to never see him again. And that wish actually came true. And it breaks me apart knowing that I will never see him, hear his laugh, drink tea with him, none of it ever again.
I saw that person every day for a year and a half, except for that last month. He was one of my best friends. He was person I wanted to talk to every night, the noises in the flat around me and the car always parked outside. We don't live there anymore, and he, and his car, are both destroyed, gone, burnt to pieces.
And fuck, it hurts.
Thursday 14 January 2016
Tuesday 12 January 2016
A human lost and found collection
I feel numb.
At one point, a person can be your whole world. A week, or month, or year later, that person might not be in your life anymore. Sometimes it's because of where you work or live or learn, sometimes its because your relationship changed or ended or one person gave up. Sometimes, the worst times, its because a life has been extinguished, and you lost the chance to say something beautiful to them.
There are countless people I have 'lost'. Some more meaningful than others. I want to spend a moment, remembering them.
Everyone I was friends with at primary school I've completely lost contact with.
Lucy, George, Harriet, Kristy, Celia, Vicky, and in a way, Becky. Some of my closest friends from high school, I wonder where our lives drifted.
Rhianmor, Matt, Coates, Carlo. University faces I haven't seen in years.
Barnaby, Shane, Whall. I wonder what kind of people you've all become.
Sheridan, Phillipa, Alex and Tim. The Rumsey crowd I loved so much.
Henry and Rowan. Lost but never forgotten.
And Sam. I hope this one doesn't fade into nothing, lost in the cracks of the universe.
I will hold on so much tighter; I won't let the people I love disappear from my life without them knowing how much I care.
Even if its me who disappears.
At one point, a person can be your whole world. A week, or month, or year later, that person might not be in your life anymore. Sometimes it's because of where you work or live or learn, sometimes its because your relationship changed or ended or one person gave up. Sometimes, the worst times, its because a life has been extinguished, and you lost the chance to say something beautiful to them.
There are countless people I have 'lost'. Some more meaningful than others. I want to spend a moment, remembering them.
Everyone I was friends with at primary school I've completely lost contact with.
Lucy, George, Harriet, Kristy, Celia, Vicky, and in a way, Becky. Some of my closest friends from high school, I wonder where our lives drifted.
Rhianmor, Matt, Coates, Carlo. University faces I haven't seen in years.
Barnaby, Shane, Whall. I wonder what kind of people you've all become.
Sheridan, Phillipa, Alex and Tim. The Rumsey crowd I loved so much.
Henry and Rowan. Lost but never forgotten.
And Sam. I hope this one doesn't fade into nothing, lost in the cracks of the universe.
I will hold on so much tighter; I won't let the people I love disappear from my life without them knowing how much I care.
Even if its me who disappears.
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