I'm Not Okay

I hate to quote My Chemical Romance (whatever happened to them?), but that's the feeling I have today.

I haven't been able to deal with any of the feelings I have. I don't even know what feelings I have. I go from being angry to being sad to being incredibly remorseful to being an unforgiving bitch and back to being sad again and it's impossible. When I let my head go there, when I start letting it out, it's like I'm rolling three necklaces together and they become this big horrible knot of everything and I can't even begin to untangle it all.

I miss him.

I left, wanting to never see him again. And that wish actually came true. And it breaks me apart knowing that I will never see him, hear his laugh, drink tea with him, none of it ever again.

I saw that person every day for a year and a half, except for that last month. He was one of my best friends. He was person I wanted to talk to every night, the noises in the flat around me and the car always parked outside. We don't live there anymore, and he, and his car, are both destroyed, gone, burnt to pieces.


And fuck, it hurts.

A human lost and found collection

I feel numb.

At one point, a person can be your whole world. A week, or month, or year later, that person might not be in your life anymore. Sometimes it's because of where you work or live or learn, sometimes its because your relationship changed or ended or one person gave up. Sometimes, the worst times, its because a life has been extinguished, and you lost the chance to say something beautiful to them.


There are countless people I have 'lost'. Some more meaningful than others. I want to spend a moment, remembering them.

Everyone I was friends with at primary school I've completely lost contact with.

Lucy, George, Harriet, Kristy, Celia, Vicky, and in a way, Becky. Some of my closest friends from high school, I wonder where our lives drifted.

Rhianmor, Matt, Coates, Carlo. University faces I haven't seen in years.

Barnaby, Shane, Whall. I wonder what kind of people you've all become.

Sheridan, Phillipa, Alex and Tim. The Rumsey crowd I loved so much.

Henry and Rowan. Lost but never forgotten.

And Sam. I hope this one doesn't fade into nothing, lost in the cracks of the universe.


I will hold on so much tighter; I won't let the people I love disappear from my life without them knowing how much I care.




Even if its me who disappears.

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

I can't put into words the last month of my life.

29 days ago I awoke to a call from my best friend, a conversation I will never forget.

And I went straight home. I got off the island keeping me safe and ventured back into the land that broke me once before. And I cried, and hugged, and held their hands, and together we remembered.


It's impossible to remember your own beliefs when something so cruel rips through your world. My ideal that the universe has a plan for us all, and that everything therefore happens for a reason, seems ridiculous, a mockery of the 20-something years they each had on this planet.


Seeing a coffin that isn't the same size as a person makes death and his power so much more real.

Seeing a family grieve without being able to bury their son makes the power of death so much more destructive, almost like he is laughing at them.


But I won't stop doing what I left Norfolk to do. I can't stop living my life, I can't turn back time and ask the Universe to take me instead of them, so I must continue. Others have stopped, their lives crumbled, their situations upturned. I hope to help them, to be there for them, but I can only do so much from this island.


And so we weep and we reminisce and we will never be the same again.




After everything I just want to hold the hands of the two boys I love the most in the world and beg that they never let go. I know I can't ask that of them; and I know that eventually one will let go. That knowledge just makes me squeeze their hands even tighter.

Coming Up For Air

Something Martin once wrote was called 'Don't Forget to Breathe', and I kept telling myself that. In the good and the bad moments, remember your lungs, your life, your surroundings.

I've gone. Disappeared, left it all, in 10 days I packed up my world (and left only a few boxes for my parents to store behind). Now, a new journey, a new adventure.


Things are clearer here. They make sense, they tick away, they work. My head works. My brain and legs and heart work too, and I love feeling alive and free again.

I just miss the boys I left behind. I keep having dreams about Luke, about still dealing with stuff from the flat. And I feel a little lost from not seeing Ben in such a long time. But all in due course.

This too shall pass. Just, remember to breathe.

Keep Up With My Love

Video bloggers, or vloggers, are quite a phenomenon at the moment, and I have four people to whom I subscribe, who are all linked: Tom Fletcher, lead singer (and the adult one) of McFly, Giovanna Fletcher, author and wife of Tom, Carrie Hope Fletcher, author, singer, actor and younger sister to Tom, and Pete Bucknell (I think thats his surname!), who also sings and mucks about and is Carrie's boyfriend. It sounds weird, that the four of them all make videos and put them on youtube and I watch every single one, but its a comfort, a habit, and their lives fill me with hope.

The fletcher family is very talented, and their songs (and projects) keep my head buzzing with ideas, with inspiration, and with general warmth. Carrie's songs are stunning and I wish I had an ounce of her skill:

There are a few things that I cannot watch without crying, and they are as follows:

1. That episode of Doctor Who, Doomsday. The end. Him not quite saying it. Just... breaks every inch of my face.

2. The One When Chandler Proposes to Monica. I know it's stupid, but from entering the apartment, the candles everywhere, all the way til the end when they are just dancing around the room, it gives me shivers. It's the argument I'll always use: Ross and Rachel aren't the best couple in friends, because they don't have that moment. That 'weak at the knees' moment.

3. Tom's Wedding Speech. 

A couple moments just hit me right in the feels. When he's singing to Carrie, about being grown up, I have this little squirm of 'cute older brother' which I have never really had in real life. Yes, I wish Tom was my big brother. No offence James... And when he is singing to Mario, and says 'but I love your daughter and you let me make her my wife and I'll love her for all my life' = tears. The idea that one day someone might ask my father for permission to marry me? Ridiculous. Hilarious. Horrifying. But this, this is magical, and I wish my family had that side to it. And lastly, at the very end, 'here's to my beautiful wife, from today for all my life': they are what I want my relationships, my marriage, to be. They are my ideal for marriage, for a family, for what making that commitment to each other should look like and feel like. I know its farfetched, but is it too much to ask for, for eternal happiness?

And I love both Carrie and Giovanna for their positive role model attitudes. They don't preacher anything, but they both have confidence and independence nailed, and they have very lovely bodies and faces without being the idyllic size, the industry standard, the picture-perfect poster girl that I have grown up looking at. And I now find myself, instead of searching for ways to lose weight, I'm searching for ways to be happy with what I look like. God bless the Fletcher family.

It might be worth noting that these, as well as many books and films and everything else, prove a useful distraction from real life and real people. One day I'll explain, but I'm not ready to yet.

I'm going to try to take all the negativity out of my life. 24 hours without complaining, smiling more, and trying to spread happiness and positivity. If I really push, I wonder what the universe will give me back...

Something is Missing

Back in the house of no emotion, and this time, something has changed. I'm so aware of the last time I lived here; scared of depression and the eeking loneliness that settles solemnly over Broome. Lost in thoughts I don't want to have, trying to keep my mind focused and therefore falling back into habits I wish I could shun; YouTube is the devil when it comes to my fanciful mind.

And whilst I ponder, it dawns on me that I miss the people who have made me stronger.

I miss Maria, I miss making memories and laughter with one of the greatest people I ever met. If anyone ever gave me strength, belief and hope, she tops that chart.

I miss the boys (and Newman), for the feeling of being surrounded by people with similar dreams. A collective ambition, a drive, a push we all force on each other - something I know associate with being a student.

I miss Matt all the time. I wish I knew how to fit into his life again.

I long for adventures, to go off where ever my feet take me and not think about reality, and not have to come back home to deal with debt and depression and disease.


Mostly, I miss the girl I've known for 10 years. It's complicated, and very hard to explain, but I miss the person who I knew in say April. And the last three times I saw her, she wasn't that person I knew inside out. She was different, and pulling away, and I don't miss the person she now is. I don't long to see her and talk to her and reconcile whatever problems we have, because I don't recognise the person she's become. But I do miss the old her and I wonder what the hell happened to that girl. I wonder what it is that changed, and I felt it in my gut, and now I guess I'll never know. I heard a line from a song that went "best friends forgive". At least I know that I did forgive her, and I told her that. The rest is her own doing.

Back to Oblivion

Listen to Finch and let all that anger out.

Think about Cornwall, and what future there might be beyond oblivion. I'll only know if I throw myself into it.

Finished Dexter. Not sure if it's going to get its own blog post... the ending is still making me angry.

Now watching Merlin. Gotta love a cheap BBC production.

Once Upon A Time. Now, I need to write a blog about that at some point. I've sort of had my head in the sand for a little while... but I think its safe to resurface now.

Using a sleeping app has made me really aware of my sleeping habits, but it breaks my dreams up, I forget them instantly. This must be rectified.

Dreams, and hopes, of what might happen in the next few months. Little things, like views from windows, and where to go jogging. Bigger things, like the hope of having a dog, or the wonderment of what people I will meet.

I did a shift at the Rumsey last night. I tried not to think about times, changed moments, people missing and what might have been - but I felt the ghost, feeling my presence, and knowing it was me. I wasn't just some bar girl it could scare, I was this haunted soul returning to the place I used to love and felt lost. And bless, the ghost left me be - but more because of the two ladies who stayed with me til the bitter end. Bless their souls.

No matter what job I do, I know I'll do my best, I'll work hard, I'll be nice and try make friends, and along the way I'll meet people who will inspire little stories, little pictures or moments inside my head, and that's the true aim. One day I'll communicate it all back, but for now, I need to live it, inhale it, and in each exhale, feel excited for taking the next breath.