I hate to quote My Chemical Romance (whatever happened to them?), but that's the feeling I have today.
I haven't been able to deal with any of the feelings I have. I don't even know what feelings I have. I go from being angry to being sad to being incredibly remorseful to being an unforgiving bitch and back to being sad again and it's impossible. When I let my head go there, when I start letting it out, it's like I'm rolling three necklaces together and they become this big horrible knot of everything and I can't even begin to untangle it all.
I miss him.
I left, wanting to never see him again. And that wish actually came true. And it breaks me apart knowing that I will never see him, hear his laugh, drink tea with him, none of it ever again.
I saw that person every day for a year and a half, except for that last month. He was one of my best friends. He was person I wanted to talk to every night, the noises in the flat around me and the car always parked outside. We don't live there anymore, and he, and his car, are both destroyed, gone, burnt to pieces.
And fuck, it hurts.