Mountains

Turn everything upside down to get a different look at it. It might look messy and muddled, but through the confusion you might be able to find a solution, an angle you hadn't yet considered, or a new way to look at the muddle itself. Maybe it has to be a muddle, and you cannot unmuddle it, you must just accept it and live with it.

My room is a muddle and I'm turning it upside down to correct it. My car is a mess and needs a good scrub. My face, my nails, my hair are still dirtied with hard work but I cannot fix these until the other two things are fixed. I want to organise more; I want to plan adventures and excitement and my life more than a week at a time. I need to apply my newly established managerial skills to my own life.

I went to a gig with Ben recently - The Boxer Rebellion. I've come to really like this band, and they are filling in the blanks between being in a good mood and being in a bad mood at the moment. Its peaceful  yet emotional. Its entirely middle of the road, and its calming to be there with them.

I also had another dream about the one who haunts my dreams last night. I haven't dreamt of him for a while, but last night (as it was one of the best nights sleep I'd had in some time), he made a reappearance. And it was a bizarre, jolting reappearance, because he told me that he still loved me, and always would, and if I wanted him to, he'd fight for me. But I told him I thought it strange that he'd only fight for me if I wanted him to - surely if he loved me that much, he'd fight no matter what. And he said that no, he loved me more than that - its why he's avoided me this whole time - because he wanted me to go and experience life, and do all those things that I might not have done if he'd been with me. He told me that he was happy to see me doing well, but he knew that he couldn't see me and not say anything. And I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't get a grip on any emotion and I just stood there, lost in the eyes that I haven't seen for four years, and I hugged him and smelt that same aftershave he always wore, and he hugged me the way he always used to - so tight that I got lifted up slightly. And this morning it felt so real, like I could still smell him. My memory of him is still so sharp, and I wonder if that will ever fade. So it makes me wonder further - my reason for having these dreams, and such a vivid memory - is it because I still love him?

I have no answers, no questions, no place to put this thought. It can only be answered when I see him again. If I ever see him again.

Awkward.

I've just starting watching a teen 'dramady' called Awkward. It's pretty light, pretty funny, and pre escapism from my life right now. I can't describe the things in my head, the things I'm trying to ignore, and the things that whirl through my dreams each night. I know that there is no quick fix or good solution, there's only patience and hope. So right now, when both are wearing thin and my dreams are more and more baffling by the day, I must just escape the day somehow and give my brain something simple and distracting to munch on.

I'm very confused about my feelings for people at the moment. Like, not all people, but lots of different people. My flat mates, my best friends, people I used to fancy, all the emotions I had sorted into categories are now being diluted, swapped and boiled down to nothingness. Things are simplified when I have a relatable source - and right now, I just think of the savage garden lyric "love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain - and feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your vein." Go listen to Gunning Down Romance. When angry, put it on in your car, full volume, and sing so loudly your own ears hurt. It's a great way to release bitterness and anger.

A month of madness

I realised yesterday how much I miss my late-flat-mate. He wasn't the best flat mate in the world, but he was my flat mate. And god bless his soul, he's now flatting in the dark depths of London. I hope the world doesn't crush his hopes and dreams.

His room is now occupied by Henry, who is never in the flat when I am in the flat. Our days off do not coincide, and he works from midday until midnight or later, whereas I work from the morning until mid evening. Our paths barely cross, so when I hear him coming home at 12.30am and cracking open a beer with Ben, I go out and sit with them, enjoy their company, and chew the fat for three hours. It's a comfort, like a teddy bear or a security blanket, to have someone in the flat to talk with. Its felt like I don't have that recently, because of a mixture of things. 

Firstly, because Jack has gone, and he was my go-to kid for all things pointless. If it wasn't playing / watching the other play assassins creed for hours, it was sharing a bottle of wine and just gabbling about life. 

Secondly, because second flat mate is slightly pre-occupied at the moment. And he seems to be distanced by his pre-occupation, more so than just 'being busy'. 

Thirdly, because all I want is to be able to talk about the thousands of things in my head that only a handful of people can fully understand, and most of those people just don't turn up in my house every night for shits and giggles.

And lastly, because I'm doing that weird things where I disappear into myself. I'm so busy thinking about the restaurant, my parents, my sisters, the world, the other things I need to keep in my head until I can get them sorted, that my immediate worries and insecurities get pushed aside, pushed inside, and swallowed up within myself. One day they have to come out; I just hope it's not in a drunken spiel with a dozen witnesses. I hope my dignity can remain slightly intact for this one. 

Meanwhile, I manage a coffee house / restaurant, I mull over the looming dissertation, I hope to be able to do exercise soon because my jeans are getting tighter and my wallet has no idea what to expect over the next few months.

I'm excited to see the kids for my birthday though. Especially the brummey one, as he was missing from the last reunion. 

Jumping

Today I'm taking a plunge. A leap. A hope of what could come, a great risk, an adventure will start from the actions of today.

There's a boy in the mix too. He's very lovely. And this risk I'm taking might change things with him. Its only just started, so I might be blowing out the candle before I've made a wish, but I really hope he doesn't disappear into a memory.

I've got so many boxes to tick in the next few weeks. Life is gathering momentum and its terrifying yet exhilarating. Its like I'm jumping across moving train compartments.

By February, a lot will have changed. I'll try find the time to keep y'all posted.

Soul Meets Body

Change is in the air. A stiff northerly breeze is whisking the cobwebs away and revealing our true intentions. What will happen in February, when so many people might be leaving my life? Will more people enter? And where is all this headed?

Questions I can't answer, can only wait to discover.

A new excitement has taken over me, and it cannot be revealed, but it can only be shared: I have that energy of expectation, hope and ambition. This is what I was looking for, and its the push I need to get the dissertation-ball rolling.

My heart travels to the far reaches of the world. Sam is still in Kuala Lumpur, and will be for the foreseeable future, and now Maria is in Tokyo for at least a year. I hope her all the luck and love in the world, and if all goes to plan, will be seeing her in the summer.

For now, I'm excited to see the uni kids in a couple of weeks. It feels like its been a long time since London, even though it hasn't been that long.

I'm also excited to say that I discovered a new emotion recently. When someone says 'I'm happy for you', I've never really known what that felt like - I've been neither close enough nor in contact enough with my ex's to know of their new relationships and been in a good enough stead to actually wish happiness upon them. But over Christmas, a little piece of news popped up on Facebook, and after some stalking of the wrong people I finally found the girl I was looking for, and I knew as soon as I'd found her. And it makes me laugh, how much she looks like she's the other end of the spectrum to me, yet she makes perfect sense as a girlfriend. And its been long enough, water has passed, whatever other sayings people say - but I genuienly hope you are happy and you feel alive again. I'll probably reiterate these feelings in Southampton, but I wanted to say it properly - I am so happy for you. More than I knew I could be. I thought I'd be jealous, or a bit like 'she's not good enough for you', but I'm just not! Ha, maybe this is how it feels to be a nice person.

Anyway, enough rambling, this year is going to be busy and exciting and I just want to get my teeth into it already.

Drugged

This week, I've met a girl, and found out a few things about a boy. These two people make me want to do crazy things, like live life, and be happy, and reach out for success.

Its like a drug. I can sense it in my blood, its contagious. I can't wait for tomorrow, because I get to do the things I love to do. And the next day. And EVERY day.

I'm so in love with the possibilities life gives us. I want to run and embrace every single one.

Bear hug style.

Revolve

Is it too early to make new years resolutions? It justifies two questions - is it either too late to change things; or, the more positive outlook - should I just start early?

I've been wanting to achieve certain things for so long and have gotten no where nearer to my goal. It saddens me, and my OCD ways, to always write the same things on lists; to always reflect on incomplete tasks.

I watched a clip of James Franco talking about life in L.A., and he basically said 'why do any less than everything I want to do?' - it made me think about the things in my life that I want to do but haven't.

I will achieve. I will succeed. Not because of writing lists, or because of a compulsion to keep ticking things off lists. I will, because it is my actions that define me. I will be everything I can be, because I have already perceived myself doing so.

Dream as big as you can. Reach as high as you can. Open your world to all possibilities.