A Line in the Sand

Time is a fractured substance which floats around us, blinds us, confuses us, blocks our views of both past and future, and more than wanting to see clearly, we all wish to reach out and grab it. It's dust, it is light bouncing off particles, and we know it is always there but we can not understand it, touch it or move it.

The easier thing to do is to look at the world in a non-linear fashion. Time gives us chronology, lines, stories and endings. The world is a spinning ball of rock and it is shaped by the ideal of time.

Break the rules and see the world how you want to see it.



I want to go to Tokyo. I haven't left this country in a really long time, and I'm itching for adventure. I miss my two best friends, I miss their smiles and the way the help me see the world clearer. I long to be closer to both of them. Money will play havoc on my mind, but I'm determined to make this work.

I want to hold his hand. I want to talk to him about depression; about how I think it comes and goes in waves for me at the moment, and I can feel his in waves too, and I want to help, but I'm scared of putting myself out there. I'm scared he'll tell me exactly what Luke told me. I'm scared of feeling so shit and useless that the waves get bigger and I can't take my mind away from it enough to see the obvious cracks of anxiety and paranoia being filled with fear and misery. I'm scared, because I want to do so much more than hold his hand, and those desires are terrifying. I'm scared of opening up to someone; it's been such a long time, and my recent experiences of 'intimacy' have not been intimate at all. I want to open up and fall in love but those things are so terrifying that I'd rather stay quiet and let the waters of fear lap at my toes, rather than dive in to the ocean, not knowing how deep, how dark, how strong or how cold it might be.

I need to sort my life out. Everything is a bit of a jumble. My head is a jumble. Every day is a jumble of emotions and whilst I have no solution for it, I have no desire to solve any other jumbles either.


I need to break my rules, and attack this problem head on. I need to see myself how I want the world to see me.

So much to do, so little energy to do it with.

Brewing

I can't grab hold of time right now. It's like silky sand slipping through my fingers. Its July and I keep thinking that We only just finished April.

Everything feels big, climactic, important at the moment. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but for all the wrong reasons. I can sense a lot is coming, changing, happening soon. I guess I'm just holding up what I can hold up to lessen the impact for others. Something is going to rock all our boats soon; and I think I know what it might be. 

Hungover again today. Questioning the point of poisoning myself. Its nice to feel numb, but it hurts so much that its not really worth it. 

I have decided some things about boys. I have to prove to them who I am, and I have to prove to myself who I'm not. He might take me seriously then.

Lots of shit in my head. Lots of thoughts about myself when I was 13. Lots to keep my mind busy.

And yet, my brain drifts, and I lose all the control I ever had. 

The more I picture it, I tell myself, the more likely it is to come true. To picture your hopes and goals is to be closer to obtaining them. But to imagine yourself in certain scenarios all the time and then have to snap back to the reality of sitting at least three feet from each other, is a little more like torment.

Something will happen soon. I can feel it brewing,

The Labrador

Every time I come home, I look out for what cars are on the roads. I glance at the pub, I double check our road. And when his car isn't there, I'll almost always try stay up til midnight when he comes home.

'Try', because I usually fall asleep on the sofa watching TV. Sometimes I hear him coming, and wake up. Sometimes he wakes me up, tells me to get to bed. Once, he just turned the TV down and went straight to bed, so I missed him.

Our working schedules are totally different. I'm up early, home in the evenings, and he's up late, working til close. We only cross paths properly when one of us has a day off, or when we end up at the pub / drinking at the flat together.

I wake up when he comes in with Ben from the pub. I'll get myself a glass of water and sit with them for as long as my eyes stay open.

They dropped cigarettes in my car last week, and I keep looking at the four cigarettes, considering smoking them, just to practise, so I can join them when they go out to smoke. Just for the extra five minutes.

I love our late night chats. It'll sometimes be 2, 2.30 before I head to bed. And the time literally flies. There will be something on the TV, or an xbox game, as background noise. Sometimes the chat is artificial, it's work and complaining and silly little anecdotes. Sometimes its deeper, its our friends, its the flat, its our own lives. And every now and then, it'll be a glimmer of complete honesty, this man who I have only known for two years but I feel more comfortable around than all the other boys. And then we head our separate ways and I lie in bed thinking about him, I fall asleep dreaming about him.

I have no reason to think he sees me as anything more than a friend. But I can't stop my feelings; I can't stop my head.


I know now that I'm going to be in Bungay until after christmas. And I really hope, no matter what else happens, that he's still in this flat too. With everything else that's been going on, changing, and might still change, he is my point of normality and my happiness.

I wish he knew. Every now and then I look at him, and his face breaks, he smiles, or looks happily vacant, and I want to paint that picture into my brain.


Tomorrow, it'll happen all over again. But its worth it for his smile, his laugh, and his company.

Climbing and Falling

I'm so hungover, its making everything ache. My head is just heavy with everything and I don't remember the end of last night so its all a bit too blurred for my liking.

One thing is very clear though. I have feelings for my flatmate. I'm far too attracted to him, its quite worrying. I'm going to try do insanity for 6 weeks, and cut down on my drinking massively, both for health reasons and the worry that I'm going to get drunk and say/do something stupid.


Soon, it'll be the end of summer, and something more important will be looming in the distance. I've got to focus on right now, but my eyes keep wandering into the distance, wondering what might be over the hill. I can't know without climbing this hill, but I wish someone could at least go up the hill first and tell me its fine, but they can't - I have to do this journey alone.

And maybe on the other side of the hill, I'll have fallen for someone who will actually catch me.

Inadequate

April disappeared quickly. Suddenly it's May. I haven't achieved anything, and a whole month just slipped by.

My one day off and I spend it in bed, watching Glee, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, Awkward and Dawson's Creek. I have so much to do but escaping the comfort of my bed is difficult. There are builders making all sorts of racket beneath my window so if anything will get me out of bed today, it will be that.

Where's life gone? I try to reach out and grab it but something is always in the way, pulling me back or pushing life away, Today, it's 'inevitability'.

I actually have an idea. A writing idea, a potential script. I don't know when I'll be able to transfer it from my brain to paper though. Today certainly doesn't look likely.

Can someone be my personal assistant, and just help me through the next few months?

I'm fighting to control of my life and control of all the people who 'work for me'. I can only do well at one at a time, it seems. Yet another juggling act I'm trying to teach myself.


I'm missing the one in Japan a lot. She helps clear my mind, and always helped me do little things, like eating well, going to the gym, little things that make the day seem better. I need to be able to do that for myself now; I just can't find the motivation.

I don't know where I ended and this numb person took over.

And today, I can't think of an adequate title for this post. Like Al's theory about naming a script, I feel like I should delete the whole post through lack of ability to name it.

Instead, I choose a word which reflects myself, at life, at my job, and everything around me at the moment.

True Love

I've started watching Dawson's Creek again. Season 3, I started with. Mainly because I couldn't remember the end of season 2 and now, I can't stop. It's when Pacey falls for Joey and by the end of the season she's fallen for him too. The story pans out so well and I want to capture every moment of it.

This is the result of having no life of my own, very little in the way of a social life, and absolutely no hope of being in a relationship for the next 8 months. Life is full-speed and my heart is getting left behind.

But in the back of my mind, I'm quoting Maria - This To Shall Pass. Also the idea of 'what dreams may come' - not in the literal sense of the soliloquy (this is not to be misinterpreted as a suicide note. Can't deal with that again) - but in the sense that of all the dreams and ambitions we have, which ones will manifest, which ones will be lost, and which ones are more reachable than we realise?

It's all about hope, patience, and trust in the universe.

That's how Pacey got Joey. That, a big white wall, and a boat.

stuck in the fast lane

Organising. Changing. Trying. Creating.

Life moves too fast and I want to hit the 'SLOW DOWN!' button so I can actually achieve things this year rather than letting it all escape beneath me.

My masters. My career. 'Building' something for myself, and then leaving this country. Searching, hoping. I've no ties to keep me here, so I want to be free. I want to experience the rest of the world. Bungay is a very small world to live in.



I can only go at a certain speed when it comes to sorting my life out. If I try push myself into fifth gear, I'll never even get going. Start with turning on the engine and rolling in first gear, and let the momentum pick my feet off the ground a bit.

In a month, I want to be in third gear.