Stop Running

You can't run from the past. It will always catch up with you. You've just got to accept that some waves crash and drag the beach back with them, and some waves ebb slowly back and forth. Life is not  'now', it is an ever-growing organism; it is you, and all that you are, morphing through time, moving with the tide. Stop fighting the tide and let your fears be as loud as your love. Let the waves crash around you and take your body from shore to shore; you are the particles of sand that move from beach to beach; you are seeing the world slowly, at a pace not controlled by you, but you cannot go faster or slower, you can only go with it. Stop fighting the tide. Stop running from what you are, from who you are. We are all everything that we can be in every cell of our body and by accepting our lifelines as well as our bodies we can all move together, we can make beautiful beaches, coves, inlets, we can destroy cliffs and we can make lagoons and spits. One day we'll wash ashore and dry and float in the desert like butterflies in a storm. But only when we accept.

    To every moment you must be true. Your life is lived only by you. Fear not what you do or do not control; we place the hope of humanity within each other.

I am a juggernaut of self-expectation. I am the confidence which I wish to have. I am in love with my own life. I am a patient time-bomb; I am a rushing hour glass; I am time, I am place, I am energy and love.

All that I know is within myself; I am all knowledge and wisdom.
You are not less than that. You can be everything, you can be more; we say that we try but we do not try enough. Take my hand and jump; we'll float on waves and swim in the shallows.

The Besties

'Best Friend' sounds slightly childish to me, but there are certain people who are not just friends. Calling Sam or Milli a 'friend' seems too small, almost rude. I want to make note of all the amazing people in my life who I have at one point, called a 'best friend'. And I'm going to do it by gender. I don't know why.

The Girls

First off, of course - Louise Howarth

Abbi Benjafield and Sadie Riches, in primary school. And maybe Steph Bell too.

Between primary and high school, there's Alex Howarth.

Chamaale Dooldeniya, first friend at high school.

Becky Williams (Head), Abi Parker and Vicky Weal all came next.

I think there was a moment when Laura Gregor McGregor was a 'bestie'.

Then Milli Chenery turned up, followed by Sam Stewart.

Lucy Montagu and Kristy Burton happened at very similar times.

Then George Eldridge, and Celia Cooper.

Coming into sixth form now, and Athena Mills-Vingoe and stole my heart a bit. 

Then across to Hampshire, and the main lady, Maria Sethi arrived in my life.

After a few months I had found Sophie Newman and Rhianmor Thomas.

Then back to Norfolk, and Jasmine Donovan happened. 

So 21 female best friends in all my life. Still talk to / close with / know well - 11. Not too shabby,

The Boys

Again, starting with the obvious - Ben Howarth

Didn't really know boys / was that close with them for a lot of my childhood. Except, obviously, the above.

Does my dog count? No. Weird.

So, high school. Barnaby Rose. Shane Sumner. James Ingham. Jack Ansell. And Ben Whall.

University. Matt Blanchette. Martin Appleby. Definitely not the boyfriend in the middle. I might have called Rich 'one of my best friends', but I don't think that counts either.

Home again, after all of that, the two boys I live with: Luke Wood and Jack Haynes.

It should be noted that I've dated and/or slept with most of the boys on this list. The last two, thankfully, are an exception to the rule. As is Ansell, as he was Sam's boyfriend whilst we were close. And Howarth. Never slept with him. Dated when we were six or seven. Didn't last.

Still friends? Um... Howarth, Luke and Jack. And I am on 'speaking terms' with some of the others. But, all things considered, he does take top trumps in longest male best friend of all time / have not slept with him despite close friendship / his sisters have been my friends for years but he's always the Howarth that I go to see. Socially. I go see Louise when we need to do exercise. Ben does not get involved in that.

My girls make up my world, but my boys - the relationships that mean something to me are the ones where we were best friends, and he was the person I'd want to tell stupid things to, I'd want to text every second of the day, and I'd feel totally lost if I couldn't speak to him for some reason. And it tends to have always been me that ruined it. Usually by cheating. Actually, thinking about it - Barn, cheated, speaking terms. Shane, cheated, not spoken to in years. Whall, cheated, doesn't want to acknowledge my existence. Ansell - Sam cheated, they broke up, we stopped speaking. Ingham and Matt not really 'boyfriends' but yeah, stuff happened there, mainly my fault. So the black sheep in my horrendous list of failed relationships? Martin. 

There's a strange little thought to end the day on.