So, I've been gone a week now. I have a week more, but I definitely feel like the worst, the biggest hurdle has been... well not climbed, but I'm definitely half way up, or more. Said hurdle is my sisters. Long story short, they don't like who I am, and always try and change me, but this act just makes me more resilient, and have stronger desire to tackle life on my own.
Due to said problems, I've been thinking a lot about what's made me the way I am. During a (rather bad) drinking session with sisters, we decided (Helen's idea, I'm sure) to each tell the other what we thought their biggest flaw was. Charlie said that mine was being insecure. I have been trying to piece together what it is that makes me insecure, so that I can battle it. Unfortunately, my answers don't seem too helpful.
1: Previous experience with men. Until the age of 15, I fancied basically every man I saw. And the first guy I did more than kiss... didn't exactly go to plan. I've mentioned it before, and everyone knows the story, so I won't repeat it. But basically, having my dignity, humility and virginity ripped away from me, followed immediately by his denial of said night, his attempt (and success) at getting me again, followed by a swift departure in true one-night-stand format, and then to find out that during this brief affair he'd also been hooking up with my best friend too, on the same night, and more than just once, kind of crushed my spirit, rendering me pathetic and eternally inferior with every girl, and basically terrified that unless a guy shows that he really likes me, he'll just use me, leave me and laugh about it all later.
2: Family. And, I don't know entirely what I mean by this, but being the youngest of four, with two sister who always laugh at me, tell me I look shit, should try look more like them and despite being the exact same weight as one, that I'm 'fat, lazy and have never really tried in life'. I think I'm too used to it. I take it all to heart - I need to start blocking it out, fighting back and actually bullying them too - the problem is, the only thing I can bully them about at the moment is their terrible track history with men, to which they reply 'at least we don't like ugly boys'. Of course I don't find the guys I've dated ugly - they just think I can do better, so am settling - but, they don't know any of problem no. 1, and events of, so again, reminded of that, I feel shit. Woohoo.
3: Self-dislike. I need to be happier about myself, more confident in my choices, more happy/content with my body and learn to love the bad things about myself, to truly be more confident, and less vulnerable and easily played. This is the one thing I can work on first - once this is better, I can tackle problem 2, and only when I can truly forgive myself for the things that happened in problem 1, and when I can appreciate that I am who I am, and the things that I've been through have made me stronger overall - only then can I really just stop caring. Shall take a while, but that's the aim...
In other news, I miss people. As bizarre as Asia is, and as warm and friendly as Australia is, it's not home. Home is where my friends are, where my things are, where I can climb into bed with my boyfriend and just feel like I belong. No one can live out of a suitcase. Not even George Clooney...
Thursday 19 May 2011
Travels of the Little Norfolker...
(written on 13 May 2011, at 01.19a.m. Dubai time)
So, I'm in Dubai International Airport. This place is so bizarre, I can't quite get a handle on it. Its absolutely massive - entire floors and fountains dotted around that 15% of people traveling through will see. One massive long terminal (3), which never ends. 26 minutes to walk from center to one end. Why does Dubai have a Burger King (be it Halal), and Gatwick doesn't?
Everytime I see a female Muslim, in full Burqa, I think for half a second that I'm playing a video game like assassin's creed, and she's actually a ninja. I know that its a racist, and frankly ignorant, first thought, but I'm so new to this culture: to be the minority, seeing 'prayer room' below the direction sign for toilets; and having an entire section of the terminal dedicated solely to Gold jewellery. Madness.
Oh yeah, this place is so big it even has a zoo-like plant-based water feature bam in the center of the food court. There's also a travellator about 20 feet long, and a hotel at either end of the terminal.
Flying in I saw the Dubai skyline slightly: I found it more rewarding than seeing the New York skyline for the first time: I think because the plane came in to the coast, we got a good view, where as in NY it was all a bit disappointing unless on Brooklyn Bridge or Staten Island Ferry, neither of which I did at night. It's 32 degrees celcius outside. I have never been in a country where their night time temperature is higher than the typical British summertime temps. I remember the first night in Vegas being warm, but not this warm!
Watching the plane journey on satellite. I travelled 3726km so far. I realised just how close to Iran Dubai (or just the UAE) actually is. Slightly scary to think about it, but this city just feels like a billionaire's wet dream, so I guess the people to be scared of probably funded this place, or at least the ridiculous fountains. Drinking a smoothie, called Apple Cooler, which is made of apple, strawberry and orange, but frankly just tastes of orange. False advertising, that is. I have eight hours to kill. I think I'll eat my first ever Halal burger, then try to sleep...
So, I'm in Dubai International Airport. This place is so bizarre, I can't quite get a handle on it. Its absolutely massive - entire floors and fountains dotted around that 15% of people traveling through will see. One massive long terminal (3), which never ends. 26 minutes to walk from center to one end. Why does Dubai have a Burger King (be it Halal), and Gatwick doesn't?
Everytime I see a female Muslim, in full Burqa, I think for half a second that I'm playing a video game like assassin's creed, and she's actually a ninja. I know that its a racist, and frankly ignorant, first thought, but I'm so new to this culture: to be the minority, seeing 'prayer room' below the direction sign for toilets; and having an entire section of the terminal dedicated solely to Gold jewellery. Madness.
Oh yeah, this place is so big it even has a zoo-like plant-based water feature bam in the center of the food court. There's also a travellator about 20 feet long, and a hotel at either end of the terminal.
Flying in I saw the Dubai skyline slightly: I found it more rewarding than seeing the New York skyline for the first time: I think because the plane came in to the coast, we got a good view, where as in NY it was all a bit disappointing unless on Brooklyn Bridge or Staten Island Ferry, neither of which I did at night. It's 32 degrees celcius outside. I have never been in a country where their night time temperature is higher than the typical British summertime temps. I remember the first night in Vegas being warm, but not this warm!
Watching the plane journey on satellite. I travelled 3726km so far. I realised just how close to Iran Dubai (or just the UAE) actually is. Slightly scary to think about it, but this city just feels like a billionaire's wet dream, so I guess the people to be scared of probably funded this place, or at least the ridiculous fountains. Drinking a smoothie, called Apple Cooler, which is made of apple, strawberry and orange, but frankly just tastes of orange. False advertising, that is. I have eight hours to kill. I think I'll eat my first ever Halal burger, then try to sleep...
Wednesday 4 May 2011
Dreams
(NB. 'Dreams' is also reference to Fleetwood Mac - Newest Glee episode did songs off Rumours, reminded me so much of listening to the CD player when I was younger, I've decided to listen to all their stuff. Making me a bit emotional too...)
So, I had a very bizarre dream last night, and I want to try and dissect it a bit. I haven't even told Martin about it, so this is literally fresh out of my head.
To start I was just watching the film 'Killing Bono'. Now, I can't remember what the hell the premise for the film is, but in my head is was about a person who meets Robert Sheehan when on the run from some weirdos who are chasing them both. They half bond, half just watch each other's backs. The people chasing them turn out to be members of a cult which is enforced on any youths they catch. It was a bit nazi-like - they basically didn't want anyone disagreeing with their policies and ideals, which were basically 'do the work we tell you to, we pay you with food and somewhere to sleep, and don't complain.' Except, Robert was originally trying to find his sister, so we needed to escape to save her, but escaping was pretty hard, as they were this massive cult of beefy men and this one woman who looked like a Sim... She was the ring-leader, so to speak, and the most pissed off when we ran. We basically had to keep running, and we eventually got away. (the dream started with me watching the film, but within seconds I was in said film, so sort of shifted perspective).
So, I think I woke up and fell back asleep, because the next dream started off in the weird marshy area, which I'm sure I've dreamed about before, but have never actually been to said place, and Robert was there again, except with blonde bits in his hair. Pretty weird, but I assumed that this meant that time had passed since previous dream. Basically, we were re-acquainting when we saw a henchman guy chasing this kid. We recognised him as the same cult as before, and tried to help out the kid, but got involved in the chase too, so the three of us were pelting through this marsh and the guy chasing us was not doing well: what he knew and we didn't, however, was that at the end was there was a fence running the whole marsh, and only one gate, which four or five henchmen stood at, looking burly. Robert decided we should run further up the fence and try jump it, but the kid we were with was pretty small. He was so terrified that he stayed with us, and we basically threw him over the fence, but the four guys were hot on our heals so we were quickly ambushed and taken to the 'camp'. The camp was much bigger than the previous dream, and more adults were surveying the hundreds of children that they had captured. They took us straight to the front, and Rob and I decided to try obscure our faces with mud so that the woman wouldn't recognise us. She didn't, so we were half-okay, although still captured. As usual, I couldn't control my gob and got us straight back into trouble when I defied doing what the Woman wanted. She seemed angry, but nothing really happened. I soon realised it was because there were two other kids who were trying to break out too: Rob and I teamed with them to disable some cameras, I literally jumped off a wall to take out a henchmen (think I broke his neck, was pretty sweet), and we did a runner. This time we were in a town, and running around was really hard because we didn't know who were good and who were bad. One guy helped us out by opening this gate for us, so we were running for the edge of the town, but the two others got captured, and Rob tried to help them, and we got captured too.
Back in the camp again, and we were literally squeezed into this paddock. One of the things that we weren't supposed to do was stand anywhere unsheltered, and we were not allowed to walk around. Basically, they wanted us to be lemmings. So, because the paddock was so full, I couldn't get inside, and therefore was outside, and I had to walk to get inside. A messenger woman came down and told us 'those who were just standing outside are in MASSIVE trouble', and because I was already in trouble anyway, and still didn't want her to figure out that I had once escaped her clutches anyway, I sat on this wheely cart thing and rolled away. Went well until the hill stopped and I had to run again. This time I experienced the classic 'legs don't move fast enough' thing, and it was just the woman chasing me, so I had to be cunning and double-back a couple times, and hide. I found myself on this castle hill, and she didn't dare come over because her own guard dog was on it. The dog saw me, and started this weird noise, which I knew wouldn't be good, so I jumped down this hole in the rock, which protected me most sides, just had a slight gap where I'd got in, but I could move past said gap. The dog then breathed fire everywhere. It seemed to last forever. When he finally stopped, I knew that the woman thought I was dead, and the dog had no more fire in him, so I waited a bit, leapt out and ran.
I think the next dream followed straight on from the last. I was in the town center again, with my Mum, and this massive lorry was trying to squeeze through these tiny roads with high buildings all along them, so people were in danger everywhere. Me and Mum found a safe place to wait, but Mum was worried that James and Dad had gone missing, so I went to find them. I knew I needed a vehicle, and I found Katie up in the town, with a car. We drove to the river, where Dad had last been seen, found a boat and started down the river. I was driving, very quickly, and couldn't control the bounce of the water very well - was a bit dodgy. Katie found a rifle in the boat. This helped, as we quickly came across a crazy man in the river. We then saw a football and knew we'd gone too far, so grabbed the ball and headed back. On the way back we drove past Jack Nicholson in a boat, with a dead body in the back of his boat. He didn't do anything to us, but moments later a boat that was chasing him started shooting at us. Katie went crazy, shot the two guys in there, and I stopped to pick up their guns: a nice hand-gun and an automatic big shot-gun type thing. We came across another guy, and then this deer started jumping out of the bushes at us. Our guns beat them down.
I then woke up. Who knows what happened to James and Dad.... Or whether the damn cult woman will pop up in another dream. I think remembering her in the second dream was the problem.
But yeah, pretty weird. I felt like I was in three action movies, all in the space of about ten minutes.
On another note, I'm really enjoying Fleetwood Mac. Good times!
So, I had a very bizarre dream last night, and I want to try and dissect it a bit. I haven't even told Martin about it, so this is literally fresh out of my head.
To start I was just watching the film 'Killing Bono'. Now, I can't remember what the hell the premise for the film is, but in my head is was about a person who meets Robert Sheehan when on the run from some weirdos who are chasing them both. They half bond, half just watch each other's backs. The people chasing them turn out to be members of a cult which is enforced on any youths they catch. It was a bit nazi-like - they basically didn't want anyone disagreeing with their policies and ideals, which were basically 'do the work we tell you to, we pay you with food and somewhere to sleep, and don't complain.' Except, Robert was originally trying to find his sister, so we needed to escape to save her, but escaping was pretty hard, as they were this massive cult of beefy men and this one woman who looked like a Sim... She was the ring-leader, so to speak, and the most pissed off when we ran. We basically had to keep running, and we eventually got away. (the dream started with me watching the film, but within seconds I was in said film, so sort of shifted perspective).
So, I think I woke up and fell back asleep, because the next dream started off in the weird marshy area, which I'm sure I've dreamed about before, but have never actually been to said place, and Robert was there again, except with blonde bits in his hair. Pretty weird, but I assumed that this meant that time had passed since previous dream. Basically, we were re-acquainting when we saw a henchman guy chasing this kid. We recognised him as the same cult as before, and tried to help out the kid, but got involved in the chase too, so the three of us were pelting through this marsh and the guy chasing us was not doing well: what he knew and we didn't, however, was that at the end was there was a fence running the whole marsh, and only one gate, which four or five henchmen stood at, looking burly. Robert decided we should run further up the fence and try jump it, but the kid we were with was pretty small. He was so terrified that he stayed with us, and we basically threw him over the fence, but the four guys were hot on our heals so we were quickly ambushed and taken to the 'camp'. The camp was much bigger than the previous dream, and more adults were surveying the hundreds of children that they had captured. They took us straight to the front, and Rob and I decided to try obscure our faces with mud so that the woman wouldn't recognise us. She didn't, so we were half-okay, although still captured. As usual, I couldn't control my gob and got us straight back into trouble when I defied doing what the Woman wanted. She seemed angry, but nothing really happened. I soon realised it was because there were two other kids who were trying to break out too: Rob and I teamed with them to disable some cameras, I literally jumped off a wall to take out a henchmen (think I broke his neck, was pretty sweet), and we did a runner. This time we were in a town, and running around was really hard because we didn't know who were good and who were bad. One guy helped us out by opening this gate for us, so we were running for the edge of the town, but the two others got captured, and Rob tried to help them, and we got captured too.
Back in the camp again, and we were literally squeezed into this paddock. One of the things that we weren't supposed to do was stand anywhere unsheltered, and we were not allowed to walk around. Basically, they wanted us to be lemmings. So, because the paddock was so full, I couldn't get inside, and therefore was outside, and I had to walk to get inside. A messenger woman came down and told us 'those who were just standing outside are in MASSIVE trouble', and because I was already in trouble anyway, and still didn't want her to figure out that I had once escaped her clutches anyway, I sat on this wheely cart thing and rolled away. Went well until the hill stopped and I had to run again. This time I experienced the classic 'legs don't move fast enough' thing, and it was just the woman chasing me, so I had to be cunning and double-back a couple times, and hide. I found myself on this castle hill, and she didn't dare come over because her own guard dog was on it. The dog saw me, and started this weird noise, which I knew wouldn't be good, so I jumped down this hole in the rock, which protected me most sides, just had a slight gap where I'd got in, but I could move past said gap. The dog then breathed fire everywhere. It seemed to last forever. When he finally stopped, I knew that the woman thought I was dead, and the dog had no more fire in him, so I waited a bit, leapt out and ran.
I think the next dream followed straight on from the last. I was in the town center again, with my Mum, and this massive lorry was trying to squeeze through these tiny roads with high buildings all along them, so people were in danger everywhere. Me and Mum found a safe place to wait, but Mum was worried that James and Dad had gone missing, so I went to find them. I knew I needed a vehicle, and I found Katie up in the town, with a car. We drove to the river, where Dad had last been seen, found a boat and started down the river. I was driving, very quickly, and couldn't control the bounce of the water very well - was a bit dodgy. Katie found a rifle in the boat. This helped, as we quickly came across a crazy man in the river. We then saw a football and knew we'd gone too far, so grabbed the ball and headed back. On the way back we drove past Jack Nicholson in a boat, with a dead body in the back of his boat. He didn't do anything to us, but moments later a boat that was chasing him started shooting at us. Katie went crazy, shot the two guys in there, and I stopped to pick up their guns: a nice hand-gun and an automatic big shot-gun type thing. We came across another guy, and then this deer started jumping out of the bushes at us. Our guns beat them down.
I then woke up. Who knows what happened to James and Dad.... Or whether the damn cult woman will pop up in another dream. I think remembering her in the second dream was the problem.
But yeah, pretty weird. I felt like I was in three action movies, all in the space of about ten minutes.
On another note, I'm really enjoying Fleetwood Mac. Good times!
Sunday 1 May 2011
Black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
You know those funny two-image things - like duck or rabbit, in HIMYM - I always find them funny. Does it really define you in some way to see one thing first?
This blog is pure procrastination. I've checked facebook more times than I care to recall, I've started learning things on Sporcle which ordinary people would never do (all 74 Uk prime ministers, AND all previous kings and queens since 1066), and the next thing to do is play the Sims. I know that this will eat away my day, so I thought blogging was the better option.
Only one thing to say really, in relation to this work that I am avoiding. Teachers can never know, once a piece of work has been handed in, exactly how long it took someone. I have spent most of my life with good intentions to begin with, but then fail to meet my own demands. And last year, this time, I told myself 'over the summer, write the whole first draft'. That didn't happen, and still hasn't. I've got 20 pages left to go, but they seem to be the hardest. And annoyingly, my brain is actually coming up with annoying things, like "hey, its 70 pages minimum, you've done 100, CALM DOWN' - this is no time to be calm. It's also saying things like 'what if you really NEED to know all 74 PMs before Friday?' and 'hang on, how many states does Canada have? Maybe google it...' - MY HEAD IS INSANE. I have also refrained thus far from watching Smallville. I don't think it'll last much longer though!
And again, digression aside, back to my point. Which is better, in terms of moral goodness: to have good intentions when first given the assignment, doing small bits, but finding you've got a week left and those small bits really aren't enough; or ignoring an assignment until the week/day before, and just rushing it, panicking, staying up all night and feeling like death come may 6th?
Like I said, teachers never know exactly how much time you've spent on it, but I'm sure that they can hazard a guess at '15 hours, yesterday' for some scripts.
This blog is pure procrastination. I've checked facebook more times than I care to recall, I've started learning things on Sporcle which ordinary people would never do (all 74 Uk prime ministers, AND all previous kings and queens since 1066), and the next thing to do is play the Sims. I know that this will eat away my day, so I thought blogging was the better option.
Only one thing to say really, in relation to this work that I am avoiding. Teachers can never know, once a piece of work has been handed in, exactly how long it took someone. I have spent most of my life with good intentions to begin with, but then fail to meet my own demands. And last year, this time, I told myself 'over the summer, write the whole first draft'. That didn't happen, and still hasn't. I've got 20 pages left to go, but they seem to be the hardest. And annoyingly, my brain is actually coming up with annoying things, like "hey, its 70 pages minimum, you've done 100, CALM DOWN' - this is no time to be calm. It's also saying things like 'what if you really NEED to know all 74 PMs before Friday?' and 'hang on, how many states does Canada have? Maybe google it...' - MY HEAD IS INSANE. I have also refrained thus far from watching Smallville. I don't think it'll last much longer though!
And again, digression aside, back to my point. Which is better, in terms of moral goodness: to have good intentions when first given the assignment, doing small bits, but finding you've got a week left and those small bits really aren't enough; or ignoring an assignment until the week/day before, and just rushing it, panicking, staying up all night and feeling like death come may 6th?
Like I said, teachers never know exactly how much time you've spent on it, but I'm sure that they can hazard a guess at '15 hours, yesterday' for some scripts.
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