So, I've been gone a week now. I have a week more, but I definitely feel like the worst, the biggest hurdle has been... well not climbed, but I'm definitely half way up, or more. Said hurdle is my sisters. Long story short, they don't like who I am, and always try and change me, but this act just makes me more resilient, and have stronger desire to tackle life on my own.
Due to said problems, I've been thinking a lot about what's made me the way I am. During a (rather bad) drinking session with sisters, we decided (Helen's idea, I'm sure) to each tell the other what we thought their biggest flaw was. Charlie said that mine was being insecure. I have been trying to piece together what it is that makes me insecure, so that I can battle it. Unfortunately, my answers don't seem too helpful.
1: Previous experience with men. Until the age of 15, I fancied basically every man I saw. And the first guy I did more than kiss... didn't exactly go to plan. I've mentioned it before, and everyone knows the story, so I won't repeat it. But basically, having my dignity, humility and virginity ripped away from me, followed immediately by his denial of said night, his attempt (and success) at getting me again, followed by a swift departure in true one-night-stand format, and then to find out that during this brief affair he'd also been hooking up with my best friend too, on the same night, and more than just once, kind of crushed my spirit, rendering me pathetic and eternally inferior with every girl, and basically terrified that unless a guy shows that he really likes me, he'll just use me, leave me and laugh about it all later.
2: Family. And, I don't know entirely what I mean by this, but being the youngest of four, with two sister who always laugh at me, tell me I look shit, should try look more like them and despite being the exact same weight as one, that I'm 'fat, lazy and have never really tried in life'. I think I'm too used to it. I take it all to heart - I need to start blocking it out, fighting back and actually bullying them too - the problem is, the only thing I can bully them about at the moment is their terrible track history with men, to which they reply 'at least we don't like ugly boys'. Of course I don't find the guys I've dated ugly - they just think I can do better, so am settling - but, they don't know any of problem no. 1, and events of, so again, reminded of that, I feel shit. Woohoo.
3: Self-dislike. I need to be happier about myself, more confident in my choices, more happy/content with my body and learn to love the bad things about myself, to truly be more confident, and less vulnerable and easily played. This is the one thing I can work on first - once this is better, I can tackle problem 2, and only when I can truly forgive myself for the things that happened in problem 1, and when I can appreciate that I am who I am, and the things that I've been through have made me stronger overall - only then can I really just stop caring. Shall take a while, but that's the aim...
In other news, I miss people. As bizarre as Asia is, and as warm and friendly as Australia is, it's not home. Home is where my friends are, where my things are, where I can climb into bed with my boyfriend and just feel like I belong. No one can live out of a suitcase. Not even George Clooney...