Wednesday 27 April 2011

'Born This Way'

Mock it as much as people do, Glee has some really powerful themes and messages which I think kids everywhere should know, whether through song and dance or not, it doesn't matter. This week's theme was self-acceptance (obviously due to Gaga's song Born This Way, which has the same message). I think self-acceptance is really important. I've always felt like I needed to be more - to be more like my sisters, to be more clever, more witty, more talented, more musical, more in shape and more confident.

But I already am. I'm clever, just often forget to apply myself. I'm... well, I make people laugh, sometimes for the wrong reasons. I'm a good writer, I've learned that this year, and I've always had a talent for creative writing. I'm not musically retarded, and just because I can't hold a tune, I won't let that hold me back. I'm probably more fit than the average British person, and in the last few months I've come to realise that it's not how you look, it's how you feel. If you feel sluggish, tired walking to the shop and then need currys and take-away to give yourself energy, than you aren't healthy. But if a salad can pick you up, and a run and a sauna gives you a nice glow and a happier attitude, than it doesn't matter how big your bum or belly look. And because of this, because of the amazing friends I've made through my life, and the advice they give me, I am more confident today than I was a week ago, without even realising it.

The episode of Glee had them make t-shirts with their biggest flaw, the one thing they feel that holds them back the most, emblazoned across it. 'Likes boys', 'nose', 'can't sing' being a few. And the one thing I think holds me back most is my belly. I've always been insecure about it, and it's the last thing I lose weight from. But through my efforts to lose weight, I'm going to try to love my belly. I know it will be hard, but I think it's necessary, and I strongly urge the three people who read my blog to find their own flaw, and learn to love it.

The light at the end of the tunnel is blinding me

I can't help but worry about the future: it's a daunting, huge prospect which sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no control over. And no matter how much my parents tell me that "you've got to have a plan", a lot of the people in the industry and in life around me could never have planned their greatest success.

Having said this, sometimes the past haunts us just as much, or more so, than the future. This chasm of our past life, this gaping fear of a remembered fear or nightmare coming back, and affecting our lives forever. There is something horrifying about thinking that all the mistakes we make as children, as rebellious teenagers and as drunk adults can never be forgotten, or undone, or removed from memory. Of course we can't change the past, but we can accept it. We can embrace our fears: I used to have a fear of driving. When I was fifteen my sister let me drive the Micra about twenty feet, and the nightmares stopped. I used to have nightmares about ladybirds, spiders and gross insects literally swallowing me whole. I can't say that they never happen anymore, but at least I am prepared, with newspapers and cups and all, to kill the little blighters.

I have had a few nightmares recently. I can't really control them, but I can accept my fear and give myself the upper hand. No matter what it is that scares you, you can always equip yourself to fight it, to overcome it and eventually it might even be scared of you.

Ladybirds, however, will always give me shivers, no matter how accepting or well-equipped I am. Shame.

Thursday 21 April 2011

Not much to say...

Just a quick thought. Listening to one of my favourite artists of all time, Robbie Williams. Just a line in an early song of his that I've always loved, and I might ponder on today:


"I didn't lose my mind, it was mine to give away"