Sunday 26 August 2012

Family

Last night my mother's side of the family, plus lots of friends and people who my parents have known for years but barely see because they don't live in Broome, all piled into our home to celebrate my aunt's 60th birthday. It was a very nice evening, nothing bad happened, lots of drinking, dancing and laughing, eating and a bit more drinking happened, and all in all, was a good night. And in the middle of the dance floor, whilst my awesome playlist of all things 60s (the era my mum and aunt grew up in and love) blasted out some serious tunes, I realised just how amazing my family is. It's hard to describe what I really mean, but I will give it my best shot.

So my Mum's family is a strange but interesting thing. My Mum (Jenny) is the middle child of seven: Carol, Wayland, Bridget, Jenny, Gilly, Lulu and Joey. Now, Carol and Wayland had a different father, and are both a bit older than the others, so didn't live in the house that the others grew up in, so are slightly estranged. Carol's family all live in Ely-area, which is a couple hours drive away: she has three children, I think, some of whom also have kids, I don't know any of them, except Tracey, my cousin, who lives in Hampshire, and I think she has a brother called Darren, and one of them on that side is married to Kevin, who is blind, and if you ever saw the episode of Top Gear when a blind guy drives around the track, that's him. Carol passed away a few years ago, so the only member of that family we ever see now is Tracey, despite her living much further away than everyone else. And I love that she makes the effort - there is something in her that knows how important and amazing family is, and she makes the effort to be there for the important things, and in return she's getting to know the family that her mother was always so accidentally detached from.

Wayland is married to Margie, and they have two daughters, Paula and Jacqui, who each have a daughter. I know Jacqui's daughter is called Tia, but I can't remember Paula's daughter. They all live in Kirby Cane, a village two miles, if that, from our house, but we seldom see them. They tend to be there for the important events, but I think they make the effort for family-related things, and wouldn't class themselves as 'friends' with the rest of the family, or at least, no where near as much as the rest. Its sad, because Wayland's age gap isn't his own fault, but you can definitely feel the difference in relationships with his brother and sisters.

Bridget has three children and an ex-husband, Neil, who is their father, but a bit of a skeeze. Matt, the eldest, just turned 40, has a wife Denise and two kids, Jacob and Eloise, 15 and 12, I think. Then Nicky (36 or 37), who has three kids with two ex-boyfriends, both of whom are pretty terrible parents, but Beth (16) and Noah and Isaac (2, twins) are good kids. Beth is a bit spoilt, but having younger siblings seems to have helped their family a lot. And Becky (34 or 35), the youngest, has a husband James and two BEAUTIFUL daughters, Evie and Maisie, who I think are 6 and 4, but thats a total guess, and I don't know which one is which, but they are both so pretty, and I'm sure as they get older I'll be able to tell them apart.

Mum obviously is married to my dad with four kids - Helen (28) James (26) Charlie (25) and me, 22.

Gilly (male, real name Gilbert) is married to Lisa, the best aunt in the world, and has three boys, Luke (23) Jack (22) and Mike (19). They have the perfect family, in my eyes, because despite constantly not having enough money, they are all so close, and their girlfriends practically live with them, and all their friends are friends, and their parents are the perfect mixture of fun and cool, yet organised, level-headed and good parents. Lisa was telling me yesterday that once Luke goes to university, she doesn't know who she'll go with to see Twin Atlantic and Billy Talent and the UEA. COOLEST AUNT EVER.

Anyway... Lulu, (or Lesley) is married to Crazy-Australian-Uncle Craig. He's a bit wild in his graying hair and his ridiculous mustache, and people constantly, after parties, will ask me "who was the crazy Australian guy?"

Joey, the youngest, has no family, and lives in Beccles, and works in Morrisons petrol station, and I don't know much about her life, really.

Now, Bridget, Mum and Lulu are like the three sisters everyone dreams of having when they think of being sisters. They go on holidays together, they sit and discuss the hilarious things they got up to as kids, and they generally are very close. You can tell that Lulu is younger than them, because she's got her own wild-streak that they don't have - she had a best friend Linda when she was young, instead of a sister, so grew up in a slightly different world to Mum and Bridget, but still they are all amazing when on a dance floor together, wearing stupid hats, singing Daydream Believer.

And last night, on the dance floor, I had to take a moment to appreciate what was around me. Bridget, Mum, Lulu and Joey, Lisa and Denise, Nicky and Becky, Nicky's hilarious friend Donna, Eloise, Evie and Maisie, Tracey, Craig taking pictures, and me in the middle, so glad that I was standing there. Being home can sometimes be oppressive and like a heavy weight, but last night made up for it a bit. My sisters wished they could have been there, and I'm really glad that I was there. Having a family that strong, that happy and smiley and glad to see each other and wishing love and luck to everyone is a really amazing feeling to be part of, and it reminds me of how much I hope that I have kids, quite a few kids, and my siblings all have kids at a similar age, and they can grow up together with this knowledge of this huge family support system that just goes on and on, back and back, this huge spiders-web of family and friends and people you didn't even know you were related to, that whilst growing up you don't even realise is such an amazing thing, but one day you can pause and just smile, surrounded by love, and think 'God I love my family; I wouldn't change them for the world.'

Wednesday 22 August 2012

Wake Up

I'm reading about death, murder and fear a lot.

I'm watching everything apart from the three dvds that I've been meaning to watch for over a month.

I'm thinking about things to write, I'm feeling more positive about writing, I just need to get some done.

I'm in this bubble at the moment, where I go to work, I come home, I go to another work, I come home, and in the evening I have dvds, books, music and sometimes a friend or two to keep myself entertained with.

My life revolves purely around myself. I have become the independent, self-assured person who I wanted to be. But something still isn't right.

Is it because I know I'm waiting for things still? I'm waiting for the MA to start, I'm waiting for life to actually catch up with me half the time.

I'm waiting for my Mum to pay me. She owes me a LOT of money right now, and keeps putting off paying me. Its really annoying. I really want to put my money into my bank account and see my overdraft shrivel up in fear of my huge amounts of money. But no, my overdraft continues to point and laugh at my empty wallet, because my own mother needs to use my money, so has to wait until she's got more cash flow to pay me back. It could take a while.

I'm turning my laptop into more of a desktop. I'm putting every piece of music possible on it, I'm leaving it in my study (from now on, the only entertaining thing that happens in my bedroom is reading. How dull.) I'm doing this because I'm making space and neccesity in my life for a new laptop. A small, powerful, genius little thing I can take to uni with me. I can watch things at night and it won't overheat and die. I can go to a cafe or a library and just whip it out, like a book, and boom, its easy and fun and helps me work more. This thing, classy as it is, is too old, too dusty, too slow and just way too heavy. I have to catch the bus from the park and ride into uni, so the laptop really needs to be transportable. Just gotta find what type of laptop I want to get!

I'm a bit bored of being adult and boring. I want to stay up all night with the boy that dominates my thoughts. I want to drink lots and walk home and sleep for ages and then miraculously not be hungover. I want to eat Chinese food. God, I want to eat wheat and carbs and shitty shitty take out food. But no. I have to be sensible, think about my job, and my parents, and my body, and my old and retarded fucking bowels.

But even when I'm living a boring life I still can't wake up in the morning.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

Snapshots of this World



"I wanna stand with you on a mountain, I wanna bathe with you in the sea, I wanna lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me"


I am not Buddhist, nor particularly religious, but seeing this reminds me of my friends, my loved ones, and the amazing things they have taught me, about how to stay strong, love life and just follow my heart and listen to my soul.  

Like looking down from the stairway to heaven. The clouds in this picture make me think of The Voyage of the Dawn Treador, when Reepicheep gets in his little boat and sails over to Aslan country to die. Its a beautiful image, and he is so full of respect, dignity, and believes that he is headed some place good. Narnia tries to teach us not to be scared of death, but to embrace the eventualities and live a life worth living.

Caves. Mumford and Sons comes to mind, "come out of your cave walking on your hands, and see the world hanging upside down". I love the dark, mysteriousness of caves and their underground, hidden views and secretive nature. Reminds you how beautiful this earth is, and how the natural phenomenon can be so grand, so massive, so stunning, that nothing humans can ever do can compete with the power of nature.
 Peace and tranquility. Finding your 'inner calm'. Taking a walk around your village and finding some beautiful flowers hidden beneath some nettles and thistles. The hardest thing to decide it what to do with those flowers. Do you pick them, put them in a vase, so you enjoy their beauty until they wilt, or walk away, but leave the area clearer, so more and more people can see the beauty that you have seen, time and time again.



I'd love to go to India during Divali. I'd love to feel part of a moment like this. Light is one of the most powerful things we have on this earth, and we embrace it's potential and beauty every day without even noticing. I'd love to celebrate light.


Saturday 4 August 2012

Unaware

I don't know who I am.

I've lost my sense of self, of belonging, of passion and ambition. I have ambitions, and I remember what they are, but my mind does not react to motivation or success. Somehow I have drifted from one plane of existence into another, and here, looking back, I'm stuck on the wrong side. Oddly reflective of the story line in Fringe at the moment (beginning of series 3), I definitely feel like I'm in a parallel universe, and I cannot put my finger on what it is, but something is missing.

Strangely though, I feel like connections are constantly being made with my younger self, when I was in High School, and now. I'm not sure if its something I'm doing, or actually something about the juxtaposition of my life, but its quite noticeable. I can only push myself to be better than the person I was back then. She was pretty crap at most things.

Maybe I need to get out of this house. My mind needs a spring clean, something new and exciting, some air, some experience, some inspiration.

For now, I spend my free time watching Fringe, True Blood and re-watching How I Met Your Mother. Its all pretty simple, if you let it become simple, but I know deep down I don't want simplicity; I'm capable of much more than this, yet this is what I have become.

I wish this post was more positive. I wish I had something more positive to think about. God, this place is just sucking my soul away.


Thursday 2 August 2012

Encore

There is an emptiness inside me that I cannot put my finger on.

I feel the lack of contact with him. Like, I notice my phone never goes off anymore. I notice when I have some stupid little thought, a funny moment happens, or I just want someone to chat to, and he's not there. I think there is always a certain amount of granted being taken by most friendships, but totally accidentally. I think a lot of people just get used to their relationships, and what they can or can't expect from certain people. Like, I know that if I want to leave the house right now and go see someone, my best bet is Ben. Jasmine is always busy/unavailable, and Henry takes a good three hours to just reply, let alone make a plan with. And I think in that respect, I always knew I could rely on him to just be there, and now he's not. There's this weird emptiness that has no real emotion or loss attached to it, because as yet it's just a lingering feeling. Like when someone you kind-of-know dies, and it takes a few months for it to really hit you. That sounds horrific as a metaphor, but there is a numbness that reminds me of that feeling of confused mourning. A funeral typically happens about a week after passing, but when it hasn't hit you yet, a funeral feels so cold and misplaced.

I think my empty feelings may also relate to my constantly thinning group of friends.

Ever since I got back and Sam left (in the same day), I have told myself that I don't have many friends in Norfolk. They all keep leaving me. This is, I guess, quite true, but it's also the wrong approach. I found myself giving advice recently, and I was giving advice that I had previously heard from Maria: the idea of asking the Universe for the wrong thing. If you say 'the weather looks shit today', it will be, where as if you say 'I hope today is sunny', you will find the weather to be better, and the next step, the one I'm not quite doing, but trying to, is to look at the sky and say 'hey look, I think the clouds are thinning already'. Regardless of what the weather does, it's your attitude towards it that makes a difference. The whole 'instead of waiting for the rain to pass, you've got to learn to dance in the rain' saying (that I just said quite wrong, but you get the gist). I was giving this advice to Henry, as he has a very negative view of his life at the moment, and as I was saying it, I heard myself, and realised I've got to take the advice too. Stop saying 'all my friends are leaving me', because that will in turn drive away current / future friends. I've got to be thankful for who is here, and keep in  contact with the lucky few in amazing parts of the world, and just accept that change is a constant, and I am a constant, so I must embrace friends as they come and go, our worlds touch and pass, even if briefly, for even in the briefest of encounters, magic can happen.

And so, I am excited for the coming change. I hope that some things are not permanently changed, and a common ground can be found for my recently lost friendship. His parting words of 'it was nice knowing you' resonated in my mind with an air of closure and finality. I hope this was my misreading a strange situation. If not, it was equally nice knowing him, and I hope he knows that. I stand by my 'dirt off your shoulders' blog, and hope that this is just a quiet period.