This week, I've met a girl, and found out a few things about a boy. These two people make me want to do crazy things, like live life, and be happy, and reach out for success.
Its like a drug. I can sense it in my blood, its contagious. I can't wait for tomorrow, because I get to do the things I love to do. And the next day. And EVERY day.
I'm so in love with the possibilities life gives us. I want to run and embrace every single one.
Bear hug style.
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Revolve
Is it too early to make new years resolutions? It justifies two questions - is it either too late to change things; or, the more positive outlook - should I just start early?
I've been wanting to achieve certain things for so long and have gotten no where nearer to my goal. It saddens me, and my OCD ways, to always write the same things on lists; to always reflect on incomplete tasks.
I watched a clip of James Franco talking about life in L.A., and he basically said 'why do any less than everything I want to do?' - it made me think about the things in my life that I want to do but haven't.
I will achieve. I will succeed. Not because of writing lists, or because of a compulsion to keep ticking things off lists. I will, because it is my actions that define me. I will be everything I can be, because I have already perceived myself doing so.
Dream as big as you can. Reach as high as you can. Open your world to all possibilities.
I've been wanting to achieve certain things for so long and have gotten no where nearer to my goal. It saddens me, and my OCD ways, to always write the same things on lists; to always reflect on incomplete tasks.
I watched a clip of James Franco talking about life in L.A., and he basically said 'why do any less than everything I want to do?' - it made me think about the things in my life that I want to do but haven't.
I will achieve. I will succeed. Not because of writing lists, or because of a compulsion to keep ticking things off lists. I will, because it is my actions that define me. I will be everything I can be, because I have already perceived myself doing so.
Dream as big as you can. Reach as high as you can. Open your world to all possibilities.
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Unrequited
I feel lost at sea. I don't know which way to swim to get to land. I don't know if I should just start swimming, because there eventually will be land, or to wait, to get a better grasp, or to just float uselessly and hope the tide takes me back to shore. Eventually, if I stay here, I might get killed by a shark. But I have no idea, and the fear of what is beneath me is equal to the fear that lies ahead of me. So I just tread water like a dick head, not knowing what to do, knowing that every second in which I haven't decided is a second in which I could have been doing something.
Life. Money. Writing. Work. Love. Sex. Alcohol.
All the things that I feel I need to be getting on with, need to push past, are thwarted by my need for the other things that my fragile mind can't seem to cope without.
God I want to drink myself into numbness.
Instead I'm surrounding myself with tv shows, with story lines and plots and characters and other lives. I'm submerging myself into the world of Skins so that I can avoid my own life, my own problems. My extremely first world problems. My pathetic unrequited problems. My hopeless yet unending problems.
Life. Money. Writing. Work. Love. Sex. Alcohol.
All the things that I feel I need to be getting on with, need to push past, are thwarted by my need for the other things that my fragile mind can't seem to cope without.
God I want to drink myself into numbness.
Instead I'm surrounding myself with tv shows, with story lines and plots and characters and other lives. I'm submerging myself into the world of Skins so that I can avoid my own life, my own problems. My extremely first world problems. My pathetic unrequited problems. My hopeless yet unending problems.
Thursday, 7 November 2013
NOvember
I'm putting the 'no' into November by giving up a few things that are pretty bad for me: Alcohol, Sex and Swearing. This makes it sound like in October I was a party-tw*t and had an over abundance of all those things. This is not necessarily the case - for the most part, I'm just trying to clean my act up a bit. Have a bit of will power, self-restraint, and most of all, sort my life out so I feel less guilty when Christmas rocks around.
This afternoon I'm sorting more of my life out. I'm organising my 'study area' which until now has just been piles of papers, magazines, ideas and things dumped unceremoniously in an incarnation of 'work pending'. As this week I have been working the creative juices around my body for the first time in months, I feel in the mood for getting stuff done. I'm thinking about projects, about my dissertation, about how to relieve some of this pent-up emotion, and actually being a person, not just a robot who goes to work and worries about paying the bills.
I also finished Assassin's Creed 2 (again) the other day, so I can put the x-box controller down for a little while. Give my eyes a break. Turn back to the good old TV, and try get through the unending list I've made for myself.
I want to set myself targets, I want to push myself, I want to feel like I'm achieving stuff.
This week I made a trailer for my friend Gemma's play. She's the most useful person I met doing my masters, and I really hope that she's available when my dissertation comes knocking.
This afternoon I'm sorting more of my life out. I'm organising my 'study area' which until now has just been piles of papers, magazines, ideas and things dumped unceremoniously in an incarnation of 'work pending'. As this week I have been working the creative juices around my body for the first time in months, I feel in the mood for getting stuff done. I'm thinking about projects, about my dissertation, about how to relieve some of this pent-up emotion, and actually being a person, not just a robot who goes to work and worries about paying the bills.
I also finished Assassin's Creed 2 (again) the other day, so I can put the x-box controller down for a little while. Give my eyes a break. Turn back to the good old TV, and try get through the unending list I've made for myself.
I want to set myself targets, I want to push myself, I want to feel like I'm achieving stuff.
This week I made a trailer for my friend Gemma's play. She's the most useful person I met doing my masters, and I really hope that she's available when my dissertation comes knocking.
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
The Boys
This is like a Part II to the 'Besties' post.
I've always had two female besties and a group of male friends with whom I drink and tend to be in a relationship with one of them. First off, the 'Beccles Crew' which consisted of cousin Luke, boyfriend Shane and a variety of other people. Then the 'Bungay Crew' who I, until two months ago, would still call 'Ben's friends' because they are people who Ben went to school with / know through Bungay so I met through him. However, most of them I met when I was 15, so eight years later, I can call them my own friends. There were also smaller pockets of the '1 2 Toft Monks Crew' and the 'Eccles Gang', but we don't talk about them much. So it wasn't until I got to university and met the coolest kids on this planet and we all formed a power-group of awesomeness, that I could actually call my own. They are my boys. They are not people I know through someone else, and they are not the friends of a boyfriend who didn't know me before the relationship. They are my boys. And I love each and every one of them, for their own special reasons. And, to boost their fragile egos, and also because Nathan complained that he hadn't made it onto the 'besties' blog, I shall further my warm fuzzy feelings...
Big Gay Al-valanche
Group leader, if you will, as his dominant position in the class room often lead to him being the 'responsible one' and taking charge. Also because he's older, bigger, wiser... gayer? He had to carry me home once. I was too drunk to walk straight. His aversion to alcohol does tend to leave him in charge of the horrendously drunk people. Odd that. His 'loose' tent flaps. His love of history, particularly the Crusades. His shirts with massive holes in. His big black coat with paint dribble on it. His brother, Marsh, Dave 'Not That One', D&D, pints of coke, singing Poison, more pints of coke, and being Scottish. So much being Scottish.
Matt 'The Rage' Blanchette
He was thrown into the lion's den when Mike put him in a group with me, Sophie, Rhianmor and 'I bleed on cue' Stuart. But he held his own in The Coven, he stripped the glory from iKandi when he beat them (despite also being one of them?) at a karaoke competition, and he was the heart and soul of every horror class with Marc. It never once weirded me out how excited he'd get about pending blood, gore, titties and massacre. Back when he had longer hair, he'd walk into the room with metal/rock music loud enough that people nearby could distinguish which song it was, he'd have his head down, bouncing along holding some sort of chocolate or sugary snack and at least one bottle of Fanta. He'd get out his 'notepad' and doodle all lesson, chiming in only in the small classes where he could have a good rant about something that ground his gears. He'd always be twitching, be it a finger, a leg, a foot. Something would have to be moving. Sugar would have to escape somehow.
Will 'Fale' Sale
This guy's so cool he's got his own cult. He's so unexpectedly funny, calling Adam a twat, dancing to Macbeth and eating preposterous amounts of food. His knowledge of James Bond films, all things sci-fi, of Joss Whedon shows and of actual literature always made him far cooler than he knew he was. Kid's got swagger. Also a twin brother called James. The group of us with brothers called James - me, Will, Sophie, Matt. Popular name. Playing 'I Never' was always weird with him around though - he really knew how to catch out me and Maria. His four-pack of beer for every house party. His incredible birthday parties each year. His anorexic sister who ladened him with cake. His pasta and pesto. His mountain of mash and asda-price sausages. And of course, his unstoppable toast-eating.
Anthony 'Kamikaze' Macina
The thing I love most about Macina is the ability to see which face he has on. Sometimes he's the guy who is so drunk he will try convince everyone that police pulled them over, on the bus, at the bus stop, and somewhere else between the off-licence and the rapists. That same guy who tries kicking wing mirrors, who sings the whole way home and loves meeting french girls just to chat them up in a language we can't understand. But then there's the other guy, who is sober and thoughtful, a good friend and a great person, who does awesome things like learning someone's favourite songs to sing for them at their 21st birthday party. At both of the their 21st birthday parties.
Nathan 'The Liability' Edmonds
Ah Nate, where to start. If our group were the characters in a film, he'd be the central protagonist. The things he likes, he loves. His interests ooze out of him, giving his character more depth than most of us can dream of. Barefoot running, Jack Daniels and coke, Superstition, Sam Rockwell, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, The Wire, avocados, banana pancakes, giving up porn, leaving iron man during Rockwell's dance, telling me to fuck off on video (still makes me laugh), pulling faces, telling bad jokes, watching MMA, doing jujitsu, eating no carbs and trying to become Sam Rockwell.
Martin 'The Meerkat' Appleby
Would it be unfair to say he's my favourite of the group? I mean, its pretty obvious that he is. Him and his green hat, and his tea, and his wrestling, and his fantasy football, and his super skinny jeans, and his band t-shirts, and his love of Henry Rollins, and Mark Ruffalo, and Kirsten Dunst, and Pink, and Zooey, and Michelle, and Dawson's Creek. He is Pacey. And the 'five guys and a vegetarian' joke. And the Air-Plane (Air-Pane? WindowPlain?) game. And Blue Waffle. And playing Game Boy with Matt. And eating all my cake (not an innuendo). And making my birthday cake with Maria. And being the only boy I know who owns a hair dryer. And his InflataBall dance. And Drunk Martin. That month he gave up alcohol, we all got to know Sober Martin a whole lot better. Then The Return Of Drunk Martin happened. And he did silly things, like throwing rocks at Maria's window, and trying to give Paul a piggy back, and pushing Paul in the toilets, and being a bit rude to Paul. And jumping on Dan's back all the time, and screaming 'SAY WHAT?', and singing 'I got five on it', and kicking a telephone box, and being too drunk to get undressed, and smoking straights, and convincing strangers that he's my boyfriend, and then actually becoming that. And Friends, and New Girl, and Him and Her, and Dawson's Creek again. And giving him bourbons for Christmas. And my homemade macaroni cheese.
David Coates / Number One
My first thought was 'he ain't heavy, he's my brother'. He ain't my brother. He's the first one to make the dirty joke, he's the first one in the door of Forbidden Planet, and the last one out of the cinema (when he's not working obviously). He's the one who drinks silly girly drinks with me, he's the laugh you hear from down the corridor, he's the fan boy that outshines even my gayness, and he's the one who never has money because he spends it all on Comic-Con, merchandise, gigs, movie events and his general fanboy-type things. He's the one who didn't finish uni; he wrote 57 pages of good stuff but couldn't finish it. He's the opposite of Nathan. He's potentially the only member of the KOC to have paid for more than one round? (a round of cokes, that is). He does the daftest things sometimes, but he's loveable despite. Kinda like Duckie in Pretty in Pink. I don't know who would be Andie in that scenario...
We're getting older, doing things and seeing stuff and wanting to feel more grown up and important. But at the end of the day, we all know that where we all really still wanna be is in my living room, middle of the night, sofas outside, benches down, The Law in position, getting sweaty over a balloon.
I love you, Max. You're so money.
I've always had two female besties and a group of male friends with whom I drink and tend to be in a relationship with one of them. First off, the 'Beccles Crew' which consisted of cousin Luke, boyfriend Shane and a variety of other people. Then the 'Bungay Crew' who I, until two months ago, would still call 'Ben's friends' because they are people who Ben went to school with / know through Bungay so I met through him. However, most of them I met when I was 15, so eight years later, I can call them my own friends. There were also smaller pockets of the '1 2 Toft Monks Crew' and the 'Eccles Gang', but we don't talk about them much. So it wasn't until I got to university and met the coolest kids on this planet and we all formed a power-group of awesomeness, that I could actually call my own. They are my boys. They are not people I know through someone else, and they are not the friends of a boyfriend who didn't know me before the relationship. They are my boys. And I love each and every one of them, for their own special reasons. And, to boost their fragile egos, and also because Nathan complained that he hadn't made it onto the 'besties' blog, I shall further my warm fuzzy feelings...
Big Gay Al-valanche
Group leader, if you will, as his dominant position in the class room often lead to him being the 'responsible one' and taking charge. Also because he's older, bigger, wiser... gayer? He had to carry me home once. I was too drunk to walk straight. His aversion to alcohol does tend to leave him in charge of the horrendously drunk people. Odd that. His 'loose' tent flaps. His love of history, particularly the Crusades. His shirts with massive holes in. His big black coat with paint dribble on it. His brother, Marsh, Dave 'Not That One', D&D, pints of coke, singing Poison, more pints of coke, and being Scottish. So much being Scottish.
Matt 'The Rage' Blanchette
He was thrown into the lion's den when Mike put him in a group with me, Sophie, Rhianmor and 'I bleed on cue' Stuart. But he held his own in The Coven, he stripped the glory from iKandi when he beat them (despite also being one of them?) at a karaoke competition, and he was the heart and soul of every horror class with Marc. It never once weirded me out how excited he'd get about pending blood, gore, titties and massacre. Back when he had longer hair, he'd walk into the room with metal/rock music loud enough that people nearby could distinguish which song it was, he'd have his head down, bouncing along holding some sort of chocolate or sugary snack and at least one bottle of Fanta. He'd get out his 'notepad' and doodle all lesson, chiming in only in the small classes where he could have a good rant about something that ground his gears. He'd always be twitching, be it a finger, a leg, a foot. Something would have to be moving. Sugar would have to escape somehow.
Will 'Fale' Sale
This guy's so cool he's got his own cult. He's so unexpectedly funny, calling Adam a twat, dancing to Macbeth and eating preposterous amounts of food. His knowledge of James Bond films, all things sci-fi, of Joss Whedon shows and of actual literature always made him far cooler than he knew he was. Kid's got swagger. Also a twin brother called James. The group of us with brothers called James - me, Will, Sophie, Matt. Popular name. Playing 'I Never' was always weird with him around though - he really knew how to catch out me and Maria. His four-pack of beer for every house party. His incredible birthday parties each year. His anorexic sister who ladened him with cake. His pasta and pesto. His mountain of mash and asda-price sausages. And of course, his unstoppable toast-eating.
Anthony 'Kamikaze' Macina
The thing I love most about Macina is the ability to see which face he has on. Sometimes he's the guy who is so drunk he will try convince everyone that police pulled them over, on the bus, at the bus stop, and somewhere else between the off-licence and the rapists. That same guy who tries kicking wing mirrors, who sings the whole way home and loves meeting french girls just to chat them up in a language we can't understand. But then there's the other guy, who is sober and thoughtful, a good friend and a great person, who does awesome things like learning someone's favourite songs to sing for them at their 21st birthday party. At both of the their 21st birthday parties.
Nathan 'The Liability' Edmonds
Ah Nate, where to start. If our group were the characters in a film, he'd be the central protagonist. The things he likes, he loves. His interests ooze out of him, giving his character more depth than most of us can dream of. Barefoot running, Jack Daniels and coke, Superstition, Sam Rockwell, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, The Wire, avocados, banana pancakes, giving up porn, leaving iron man during Rockwell's dance, telling me to fuck off on video (still makes me laugh), pulling faces, telling bad jokes, watching MMA, doing jujitsu, eating no carbs and trying to become Sam Rockwell.
Martin 'The Meerkat' Appleby
Would it be unfair to say he's my favourite of the group? I mean, its pretty obvious that he is. Him and his green hat, and his tea, and his wrestling, and his fantasy football, and his super skinny jeans, and his band t-shirts, and his love of Henry Rollins, and Mark Ruffalo, and Kirsten Dunst, and Pink, and Zooey, and Michelle, and Dawson's Creek. He is Pacey. And the 'five guys and a vegetarian' joke. And the Air-Plane (Air-Pane? WindowPlain?) game. And Blue Waffle. And playing Game Boy with Matt. And eating all my cake (not an innuendo). And making my birthday cake with Maria. And being the only boy I know who owns a hair dryer. And his InflataBall dance. And Drunk Martin. That month he gave up alcohol, we all got to know Sober Martin a whole lot better. Then The Return Of Drunk Martin happened. And he did silly things, like throwing rocks at Maria's window, and trying to give Paul a piggy back, and pushing Paul in the toilets, and being a bit rude to Paul. And jumping on Dan's back all the time, and screaming 'SAY WHAT?', and singing 'I got five on it', and kicking a telephone box, and being too drunk to get undressed, and smoking straights, and convincing strangers that he's my boyfriend, and then actually becoming that. And Friends, and New Girl, and Him and Her, and Dawson's Creek again. And giving him bourbons for Christmas. And my homemade macaroni cheese.
David Coates / Number One
My first thought was 'he ain't heavy, he's my brother'. He ain't my brother. He's the first one to make the dirty joke, he's the first one in the door of Forbidden Planet, and the last one out of the cinema (when he's not working obviously). He's the one who drinks silly girly drinks with me, he's the laugh you hear from down the corridor, he's the fan boy that outshines even my gayness, and he's the one who never has money because he spends it all on Comic-Con, merchandise, gigs, movie events and his general fanboy-type things. He's the one who didn't finish uni; he wrote 57 pages of good stuff but couldn't finish it. He's the opposite of Nathan. He's potentially the only member of the KOC to have paid for more than one round? (a round of cokes, that is). He does the daftest things sometimes, but he's loveable despite. Kinda like Duckie in Pretty in Pink. I don't know who would be Andie in that scenario...
We're getting older, doing things and seeing stuff and wanting to feel more grown up and important. But at the end of the day, we all know that where we all really still wanna be is in my living room, middle of the night, sofas outside, benches down, The Law in position, getting sweaty over a balloon.
I love you, Max. You're so money.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
The Disgrace Jar
In our flat we have a disgrace jar. Each time we 'disgrace', we have to pay a pound. The current money inside is from the following:
Jack, on the first night in the flat, cut his penis open on his girlfriend's frayed coil and dripped blood all through the flat. It went everywhere.
First drunk night in the flat, Milli and I got through lots of wine. And then played Arrogance. And then I vommited all the stir-fry and noodles into the bathtub. And blocked the bath. And flooded the bathroom.
Luke slept with Amy. Three times. And with Charlotte, once.
I slept with Dukie, and Henry. (On separate nights)
So there should be eight pounds in there now.
Today, my mother and father disgusted me. They swore SO MUCH about nothing. It was dust that they swore about. Then mother swore about father swearing about dust. It was ridiculous. And following my horrific realisation that I'm too much like my father, I've decided to act upon this: I'm stopping swearing, and every 'slip up' costs me 50p into the disgrace jar.
Jack's happy, because he plans on buying something 'nice' when its time to empty it. It won't be full until there is about £300 in there, I reckon, so I don't know what would make us open it early. Maybe when Jack moves out...
Either way, the Disgrace Jar is the metaphor for forgiveness in this flat. Pay the premium, and all will be forgotten... supposedly.
Jack, on the first night in the flat, cut his penis open on his girlfriend's frayed coil and dripped blood all through the flat. It went everywhere.
First drunk night in the flat, Milli and I got through lots of wine. And then played Arrogance. And then I vommited all the stir-fry and noodles into the bathtub. And blocked the bath. And flooded the bathroom.
Luke slept with Amy. Three times. And with Charlotte, once.
I slept with Dukie, and Henry. (On separate nights)
So there should be eight pounds in there now.
Today, my mother and father disgusted me. They swore SO MUCH about nothing. It was dust that they swore about. Then mother swore about father swearing about dust. It was ridiculous. And following my horrific realisation that I'm too much like my father, I've decided to act upon this: I'm stopping swearing, and every 'slip up' costs me 50p into the disgrace jar.
Jack's happy, because he plans on buying something 'nice' when its time to empty it. It won't be full until there is about £300 in there, I reckon, so I don't know what would make us open it early. Maybe when Jack moves out...
Either way, the Disgrace Jar is the metaphor for forgiveness in this flat. Pay the premium, and all will be forgotten... supposedly.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Stop Running
You can't run from the past. It will always catch up with you. You've just got to accept that some waves crash and drag the beach back with them, and some waves ebb slowly back and forth. Life is not 'now', it is an ever-growing organism; it is you, and all that you are, morphing through time, moving with the tide. Stop fighting the tide and let your fears be as loud as your love. Let the waves crash around you and take your body from shore to shore; you are the particles of sand that move from beach to beach; you are seeing the world slowly, at a pace not controlled by you, but you cannot go faster or slower, you can only go with it. Stop fighting the tide. Stop running from what you are, from who you are. We are all everything that we can be in every cell of our body and by accepting our lifelines as well as our bodies we can all move together, we can make beautiful beaches, coves, inlets, we can destroy cliffs and we can make lagoons and spits. One day we'll wash ashore and dry and float in the desert like butterflies in a storm. But only when we accept.
To every moment you must be true. Your life is lived only by you. Fear not what you do or do not control; we place the hope of humanity within each other.
I am a juggernaut of self-expectation. I am the confidence which I wish to have. I am in love with my own life. I am a patient time-bomb; I am a rushing hour glass; I am time, I am place, I am energy and love.
All that I know is within myself; I am all knowledge and wisdom.
You are not less than that. You can be everything, you can be more; we say that we try but we do not try enough. Take my hand and jump; we'll float on waves and swim in the shallows.
To every moment you must be true. Your life is lived only by you. Fear not what you do or do not control; we place the hope of humanity within each other.
I am a juggernaut of self-expectation. I am the confidence which I wish to have. I am in love with my own life. I am a patient time-bomb; I am a rushing hour glass; I am time, I am place, I am energy and love.
All that I know is within myself; I am all knowledge and wisdom.
You are not less than that. You can be everything, you can be more; we say that we try but we do not try enough. Take my hand and jump; we'll float on waves and swim in the shallows.
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