Reading my ex-boyfriend's newly updated blog with official domain name and whatnot (its very swish) got me thinking about personality and our views of ourselves. I could never write something about myself without being in some way 'down' about something: a mixture between my need to write the truth, and my overly critical and insecure nature. But I want to give it a go; try to write an adequate description of myself, how I see me, at this moment in my life.
PHYSICALLY
I'm 5'4" / 5'5" (not entirely sure), which translates roughly as being extremely average height. The only people shorter than me are children, my mother (and aunts) and Chamaale. Most are taller, but not so much that I've ever struggled / been annoyed with my own height. My shape is described as 'pear' by all those magazine dicks, which means I'm fattest in the middle ie. bum and hips and thighs. I've got exceedingly average boobs, 34 B, again the most bog-standard shape / size for a white British girl. My hair is naturally a dirty blonde, so dirty it barely looks like a colour. If you ever try painting a picture, my hair is the colour that the edge of the white paint goes, where you've been adding every other colour to it to make slightly light versions, and they've all blurred into one browney yellowish blur. So I dye my hair, currently it's got two colours of blonde through the tops, and it's growing out very slowly, so it's still neck-length. I have a few moles which are kind of big and ugly - one on the top of my belly, the size of a big pea, and a few other slightly raised ones. I've got a skin-tag thing on the back of my neck which people tell me is easy to remove but because I can't see it, I'm not bothered about removing it. My teeth are whiter than they should be, but not Hollywood-smile white. My eyes are hazel, with bits of dark brown, bits of green, a tiny bit of yellowy gold, and black spots. I have a stigmatism, so I need glasses for reading, but am otherwise fine for driving and whatnot. My eyebrows can't decide if they are blonde or brown, so I constantly have to tweak, darken and trim. Big ears, pierced, one with the piercing on a mole. My nose is not worth comment - I have nothing to say about it, its very average, and the same goes for my mouth. I have something up with my shoulders which means I can't wear boob-tubes / shoulderless dresses without looking proper beefy, so I avoid those clothes now. I get dry skin on my elbows and it really pisses me off. My fingers are short and fat, 'porky digits' like my Dad has, and my nails never get long, never have colour and are seldom looked after at all. My belly-button is half an inny half an outy - its like a malteaser stuck in a hole. My belly is fat, always has been, and sometimes when my IBS is playing up, I can puff out and look 6 months pregnant. True story. I'm a size 14 in the big places, size 12 in the smaller places, which means clothes usually look too big for me as the size 14 clothes are always way too long (particularly jeans). I have size 5 feet, again very average, my big toes both have ingrowing toe nails, have done since I was about 8, and if I wear shoes too tight for my toes they push together and inflame and puss. Its gross. I used to have a birth mark on my right foot and when I was about 17 it just disappeared and I don't know why or how. I have a few scars at the moment - one on the top of my right thigh from cooking swordfish in oil and the oil spitting (I was wearing tights); a couple marks on my knees from little scrapes and cuts over the years; a faint scar on the inside of my left wrist/arm, and my little scars on my face from picking spots. Oh yeah, I have oily skin, loads of black heads, and am so pale most of the time but when the sun comes out I burn like a lobster and get freckles. I also bruise like a peach. In fact, more than a peach - like a banana. Sometimes I don't even remember getting hurt and I'll have a big blue mark. I don't like my figure, I find myself getting angry when I try to dress myself, as I can never feel happy with how I look - I wish I looked nicer. Medically, I have a few problems, but nothing major. Like I said, I've got IBS, it's mainly triggered by wheat and stress, but other things may set it off too. I'm allergic to the morning-after pill. I'm on the contraceptive pill Ovranette for no real reason except to regulate my periods (or just avoid them altogether). I forget to be a girl sometimes, and after a week will realise that my legs and armpits are hairy as jungles. However, my skin is delicate so if I use an old / rusty / snagged razor, my skin becomes very irritable and can sometimes have those little red spots which get really sore. I also can't use certain deodorants because they irritate my skin.
GENETICALLY
Youngest of four, I am the 'spoilt' one according to my sisters, although I beg to differ half the time. I look a lot like both my sisters, less like my brother. I've got my mum's ginger gene in my skin, my hair and my freckles. I'm taller than Mum, and Dad isn't exactly tall, so thats an either/or. I'm angry and passionate like my Dad, and I'm organised and level-headed like my Mum. I've got my aunt's love of baking, and a sense of humour closer to my uncle's than the rest of my family. I've got my Mum's walk, laugh / snort, tendency to snore (when drunk) and lack of control of volume. We've all got our Dad's dark eyes, and he's also responsible for passing on the acne-gene (thanks again Pa). There is twins in my mum's family, and skipped her generation, I actually hope I have that in me too. Oh, and I'm naturally immune so didn't need the BCG jab, which Dad reckons is his doing. I'm not sure which blood group I am, but I think its the same as my Mum, and I think all four of us kids are the same. I think.
MENTALITY
Some times I can catch myself doing something, and wonder 'is this me?' but then that wonder spirals into my questioning that question, because surely whatever you do, whether random or structured or forced to do so, is done by you and therefore can only be defined as 'you', because the only way it wouldn't be you, is if someone else were doing it. I think too much, I talk too fast, and if you get my chatting you'll never shut me up. I'm self-aware and nervous around new people and scary people. I jitter my leg all the time, for no consistent reason. I never think before I speak, and therefore make silly mistakes with mixing up words, or make social faux-pas and go bright red from embarrassment. I'm good at remembering certain things, like lists, if I give myself an order - the best way of remembering all 50 states without forgetting 1 is by remembering how many there are of which letters ie. a =5, c=2, d=1, f=1, g=1, h=1, i=4, k=2, l=1, m=8, n=8, o=3, p=1, r=1, s=2, t=2, u=1, v=2, w=4. I can remember that pattern, so can recall all 50 easily. This helps when I'm serving customers as I look at their face and remember how many people are eating / drinking, and the sight of their face reminds me what they asked for because I repeat it back. I don't know how my memory works, but it does, and I love it. I like to teach myself things because I don't think I'm clever enough / well-learned enough to be as old and 'educated' as I am. I have lists and lists of everything. I have to make lists to feel organised. I also have to clean - I hate seeing messes, they drive me insane. Sometimes, when I'm trying to sort my life out, I need to go find a mess to clean up to feel better. Having lived in this house for 11 months now, there is little left to sort, so I like to go to Ben's house and clean up his room, as it is guaranteed to always be messy. I like reading but it sends me to sleep. I have watched to few films in the last year I could probably recount them all in five minutes, because there can't be more than 10. I'm more into TV than film, because I love the character development, and I will easily cry at most things. I cried at the Big Bang Theory the other day. I love dogs and wish I had one, and I love all animals in general because since I was a kid I've always believed that there is a communication I can have with them which no one else understands but us. I keep having dreams about getting married and having babies, which is awkward as I've never been more single than I am right now. I like talking to myself. I love singing, but I know I can't hold a tune at all so get very nervous about singing near other people, unless I'm on a burger van, in which case I just don't give a damn. I'm bossy and strict when I have to be, and I can lead a team and keep people going through hellish shifts on burger vans and bars. I also really enjoy working for other people where I don't have to be responsible and leadery - washing up for five hours is so easy and mundane, or pulling pints endlessly, or cleaning call centres. With the exception to this morning, as I overslept and missed work, I am a hard worker and I get competitive and like to be the best. I'm still chuffed today that I was literally the best in my class at uni - knowing how hard all my friends worked does make me wish they could share in my joy of excelling, but its still a great feeling to be told that you alone achieved that greatness. Recently I've realised how wrong my old lecturer was - I am not academic, I just get my teeth into things, and projects excite me much more than essays. I love baking, cooking my own food, the satisfaction of getting shit done and having a tidy home, clean nice smelling clothes, organised drawers and neatly stacked things. I miss the Sims, and wish I could play it today. I'm so easily hooked by things, be it a TV show, computer game, best friend, boyfriend, boy that I wish was my boyfriend, new favourite jumper, blueberry muffins, or the eternal joy of sleeping and dreaming. I remember dreams so well that it scares me and I wonder if there is something wrong with my brain. I think at the moment that I'm working myself too hard, but the minute I stop, I look around and I feel so shit and I don't want to start again. I think I'm depressed and I need to get out of this house, and I've been reflecting on this year and what it's all been worth, because so far it doesn't feel worth it.
PEOPLE
I don't want to remember these last 11 months. I hope they fall away into a hole in my brain. My lists remember them, though, and I have seen a few additions to various lists since I came home last April.
12, 13, 14 and 15 are all not really worth mentioning. I don't know if I even want to count 14, as it wasn't actual sex, but I guess if 1 counts, I may as well count this too. 12 was just a brief fancy, a rebound thing, and I realised how fucking crazy and confusing and annoying he was, and it all fell spectacularly into the ocean. 13 was a one night thing, a notch in the bedpost, and if I ever want to go for a drink at the Locks I forget that I have to see him, but its not that bad. 15 I'll never see again, was a one night stand in devon which was very ridiculous and I don't entirely know why I did it but evidently I did. and 14, like I said, I don't know if I should count it, because it was a girl, and there was no actual sex.
My masters has so far cost me £4350 and I have a 63 average. I haven't done as well as I know I could have, but I don't think I can turn back the clocks and re-do the worst essays. I don't know if I would want to, at this stage in the game. As much as I'd love to get a first for my masters, I don't have the energy or motivation to do so.
I've made some new friends, and gotten closer to some old friends. There's Jasmine, who is no longer Ben's girlfriend, but still my friend, much to Ben's annoyance. Then Jas' family, who are all lovely, and will always have a sofa for me if I need it. The people at uni are good people, but I haven't got to know them that well, and I don't know how much they are 'friends for life', in the same way that I knew, when finishing solent, who I would keep in contact with. There's Miriam, Fran, Anne, Zoe and Moe, Cindy and Erin, and the other Asian girls who are all lovely. There's Tom and Ben, who are good people to debate with in class, but we will all go our separate ways. I will still have them on facebook, but that will probably be it. The guys at the pub are all great to chat with, and easy to get along with - Nick and Thom, Lydia and Katy. Thom's now leaving, which is a shame, as its fun to chat to a guy about Glee every week. Also chat with the daily local guy Adas, who gives me tips on baking, and the chef Finn, who used to work for my parents (small world, is Norfolk). At Aviva, I've gotten to know Penny really well, and its lovely having someone to have a laugh with every morning, and Justin is a great guy too, but probably wouldn't join in on our ridiculous games. The people I clean for are all interesting and kind in their own ways too: Paul is a very simple and kind person, and I imagine when Will Sale is older, will be just like him. Su is a nice lady, and her kids are pretty funny, if very loud and ridiculous. Pram, Vaughn and the kids I used to clean for were very interesting and engaging too.
Most of my year (11 months) has been spent with Ben. I got close to Henry, and his friends Dan and Chris, but now will only really speak to Dan. I've also got to know Dan's sister Becky a bit, as well as Ben's cousin Isobel, who I've always known, but never really got to know, you know? And the locks kids, Steph and Chris, still hang around sometimes. And Jasmine's cousin Henry has recently been drinking with us more. And Arthur's come back into the county recently, and Ed is still around, and Luke and Dukie and Jack, and I met Jack's girlfriend the other day and she seems really nice (and looks loads like Anna from The O.C.). Oh, and we have a few new staff members who are nice, like Tom (although he's very quiet), and Sarah, and Debbie.
I say all this because all these people around me on a regular basis are not changing anything about the way I feel. I think I need counselling, because my head is such a mess at the moment, and I hate messes. And above all other things, the one thing confusing me most at this moment is just why I'm doing all this. Why do I have five jobs? To pay for my masters. Why am I doing a masters? To get a good job. I can't do well in masters whilst working five jobs, I literally don't have the time or energy or motivation or desire to stay up all night. I have been on and off ill for three weeks now, and it's messing with my head. I don't want to be in Norfolk, but I have absolutely no way out. And I'm just going round in circles, hating every thought I have, wishing I could just go to sleep and it would all go away and I could wait until next month to deal with all of this.
I'm so stuck. And I feel so miserable all of the time and I hate it. I wish I could feel happier. I wish I could smile and cheer up the world, instead of bringing it down with me. But I'm stuck.