Apparently I don't express myself enough. This was a judgement made by a fellow writer. I wonder, how exactly does she think I express myself? Writing is what I've always done, sorry I can't change specifically for her.
I remember when I was 10, and my parents had told me I had no choice but go to the Girl's school. I really didn't want to, I wanted to follow Bob to Hobart High and continue my ridiculous infatuation. But no, they told me it was for my own good and that I had no option but to comply. Of course, I knew I had another option - to not do either. I thought 'hey, I'll run away, I'll live with Louise, and I'll just learn from home.' Great plan, but of course, my parents knew exactly where I'd go, and since I only had a bike, and Louise lived about an hour's bike away, I didn't even make it to hers. I went to the park, chilled out there for hours, wandered around and eventually came home. But I had left a note to my parents, telling them that if they were so concerned for my well-being that they wouldn't ask me to go to this school, because it was killing me, or something amazingly dramatic like that. I can't really remember the outcome, but I remember my sister telling me off for being such a drama-queen, and my mum and dad never brought it up. They never even acted like they'd read the damn letter.
I think that's what my problem is: I feel the need to force people to know how I feel because I think most of the time I'm ignored. That was always the case growing up - no one ever really cared what I said, as I was just the little one with annoying pointless stories, or ridiculous lies. I could never win, and I could never communicate either. But I've carried that burden with me, and now I can't shake it off. I know that it's not healthy to let these issues build up, and when I eventually explode it's just sillyness written down in a way no one will ever truly read the way I want them to.
I've done some shocking things this year. I got bored of my boyfriend, had casual sex with a close friend and when things ended with the boyfriend, the friend said to me one night 'i don't think we should have sex anymore', and I felt so used. I know sex is a two-way thing, but he'd only ever been interested in the thrill of cheating. I felt so low, and so degraded for so long that I did suck people in to my hell. I purposefully slowed down someone getting over me, just so I could feel loved. I know I shouldn't have, but at least he's over me now. And I screamed bloody murder at that boyfriend: he begged me to stay with him but I knew that it was wrong. I knew I wouldn't be good for him. And fuck, seven months later I broke his heart again. Sorry, I truly am sorry, but I tried to hurt you then to keep you away but you never bloody listened. You always think you're right but sometimes you're wrong, and I was right, and that's why these last few months have been easy. I miss him at times, as a friend, and as a figure in life who has been there for two years, but I don't wish I hadn't broken up with him. I know it was right.
I kissed him back, and at the time I hated myself, but now, I'm glad he kissed me in the first place; I wouldn't change that for the world.
Yet when talking recently to two friends, they saw my 'worst actions of the year' to be 3 different 'letters' of varying forms: One, just after all the cheating and lie, when I accused my friend of being a bitch. I know that was harsh, and I've apologised, and I really mean it: you're not a bitch. At the time everything in my mind was backwards though - one friend had betrayed me, another was clearly choosing one friend over me, one I couldn't trust at all yet all three linked back to the one who received the letter. I hate that I dumped all that anger on her, because I still haven't sifted through the hurt that everyone else caused.
The second letter, a text, was sent one drunk night. I won't use that as an excuse though. I have an inferiority complex that flares up like crazy every time someone flaunts that they have something I don't have. And most of our friendship has been that way, so I constantly feel belittled and meaningless around her. Sorry, that text was harsh, I know, but we never got to the bottom of our problems. You ignore my texts all the time, don't even say goodbye when I leave for christmas and why? Because I pissed off your flatmate? Because I spend time with my boyfriend? I constantly find time to see you, to be with you, to pop round for silly reasons because I just want to remind you that hi, you're supposed to be my friend. I know we spent two summers together and things came to blows at times, but I value our friendship, and I feel like your throwing it away because you've got all you need in your flat.
And the last letter was facebook message, to a girl whom most people have issue with yet no one will say anything about it. So I did. I know it wasn't the best way, but at least I'm honest. And hey, maybe she can threaten to set her cousin on me, like she did to our friend before they started dating.
I have a lot of issues, and being stuck in Norfolk in the snow with my family gives me no way of venting. Sorry that this has been so long and boring. Sorry that I'm a miserable arse. And sorry if I've ever hurt you; my news year's resolution is to love, and nothing else.
Merry Christmas.