So, to update on the previous blogs: I've covered Bob, Will, Thomson and Smithy, Barnaby and Jack. We've chronologically reached the end of 2006, when I had just broken up with Barnaby after accidentally kissing Rowan. (I say accidentally... there was a lot of alcohol involved, and I know it doesn't count as an accident, but looking back, that kiss meant absolutely nothing, and frankly, was just fuel for the argument which ensued between Vicky and I.)
So, I had just started sixth form and with it, I had a new 'study group'. Sam, Charlotte, Ed and I used to hang out at Charlotte's house, attempting to do homework but usually just watching Jeremy Kyle, dying everyone's hair, especially my own and Ed's, and generally fucking around. This lasted quite some time. Charlotte fancied Ed, but was jealous that Sam had kissed him weeks before at a party during which Charlotte told us she fancied Rowan, so they had a small falling out. The group thinned to me, Ed and Charlotte. Then, I can't remember when, Ed and I became an item. This is only really relevant because of a moment that happens in one year's time. And then it was 2007, and my work load was increasing, yet I wasn't getting any of it done. And an old friend had decided to get in contact with me. We chatted a lot. We discussed all the things that had happened before: the reason he'd broken up with me over a year ago, which he revealed was due to fear that I didn't really like him, and he was scared of that. I told him he was stupid, and a bit of a coward. He admitted he was, but said that talking to me again was his comeuppance. We began dating in May, and the whole summer was a blur of music, sunshine, his dog Hendrix and his car. It got cold, I went back to school, and his band mates moved to London. He decided not to, and to stay in Suffolk to go to college. He phoned me the first day he was in London, having not yet made this decision, telling me he missed me. I remember feeling guilty. I couldn't imagine a long-distance relationship, but I didn't want to ask anything from him, as much as I was in love with him. It was at Christmas, when he went to visit his mates in London, and he knew his college course was about to end, that he came to another cross roads. Yet again, he picked Suffolk. This time I knew that it was nothing to do with future plans. He'd saved money, and he had a plan - he just couldn't leave me. I hated knowing that I was the only thing holding him back. Yes it was romantic of him to want to stay, but our year's difference shouldn't mean that his life should be on hold for me. On Boxing Day, on a beach, watching a beautiful sunset in Thorpeness, I broke his heart. And I know it was horrible, but I didn't want to wait to do the inevitable.
We saw each other a few more times after that; maybe three of four. I remember wanting to look at him as long as possible, because I didn't know when or if I'd ever see him again. We went our separate ways, and almost two years later Lucy and I went to see their band in London. It was nice to catch up with the boys of our past again, and it was nice to see that he was alive and happy. Since then he's got a girlfriend, who I try not to stalk on facebook, but sometimes I can't help it. She's so much more perfect for him than I ever was: I try to tell myself that breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did for his life, but I still feel a little bit guilty and selfish, wondering if we'd have worked. Wondering where my life might have taken me. Knowing what moments I experienced after that wouldn't have happened... It's hard to let go of the past. I was single for six months after breaking up with him. That was the last time I was single for any length of time. And during that single time, I did two very stupid things: one of them involved my legs covered in nettle stings, my sister's ring lost in a field, my body exploding in a rash after taking the morning-after pill; and the other involved an event with a friend, which if it had never happened, our relationship might have been very different, and I might not have lost two years with him because of an over-jealous boyfriend.
And so I finished high school. No wonder my a-levels didn't go well.... although I'm thankful they didn't: if they had, I might not have ended up at Solent, and I may not have ever met him...