This song is beautiful, and has inspired many thoughts and emotions, and scenes for Impressions recently. I am faced with two very daunting prospects, and instead of writing a literal 'pros and cons' list, I'm writing a blog. Because when in doubt, I turn to the blogosphere, for some unknown reason. It's like rereading a diary, or an old favourite book - there's a comfort in remembering what problems I once had yet overcame, and got through. So here's hoping in a year I can reread this with a clarity of mind, knowing I did the right thing.
Option one is to find a new job and a new home, and continue living the way I have for nine months now: an independent existence, yet a continual struggle with money. I do not believe that the perfect job for me right now is in Brighton. I believe I need to further my education to get where I want to be, so I would be working in another simple, probably highly laborious job which doesn't pay more than minimum wage and therefore doesn't give me much budge after rent and bills to live life to the maximum, and do the things that I want to do, like going to pubs and bars, going to the cinema, eating out and enjoying this exciting metropolis in which I live.
Of course, that leaves two further questions - maybe look for a cheaper place to live, and maybe live somewhere other than Brighton. Firstly, this current flat in which we live is quite expensive in comparison to, say, Southampton, but considering the location, how nice this city is, the amazing things seconds from our doorstep, and the fact that Southampton has very few people living in it that are looking for good properties (its all students or families) means the price is understandable. Three of us in a two-bed flat means we've cut the rent even more, so finding something cheaper is very difficult. More-so, this flat is fine for now, but has its problems, and anywhere cheaper will be worse. Damp, mould, rotten floors; drug-dealing neighbours, problems with cheap and old furniture or basic utilities. I can't afford to furnish a house, so options become very limited and bleak. And to look anywhere else has all those problems, plus the idea of living on my own, risking living with nightmare flat mates I don't even know, or living with people who might now be friends, but that could all change when living together.
Option two is to move home. I am considering a third option of moving back to Norfolk but not living at home - but it seems ridiculous. Why live in Norfolk, yet have to pay rent? I have spoken to my parents, and they are fine with the idea, and I could work part-time for them, but spend a good chunk of time doing the things that I wish I could've had the time to do here: get involved at a theatre, study some more, consider my greater options, liking journalism and prose writing. The cons are quite simple: I would be living with my parents again, and when I last lived at home, they didn't trust me, and I spent a lot of my time wanting to leave. But I am a different person now, they trust me (I think), and I now know what it's like to go-it alone. I have that experience tucked under my belt, and I have my work with Molly Maid as a good reference point in life, but what I really want to work on now is honing and focusing on my future and myself. I need to pay off my overdraft, which I worked out, at my current wage, would take me almost three years (thirty months, to be exact). And I want to have the time and energy to write, and to further my writing. I want to be sending scripts to companies, but I don't have the confidence to yet, as my two episodes have no rest of series. I want to be this complete entity, and feel like I am doing and being what I want to be, so that when I throw myself out there, rejections don't knock me down so hard, and I don't lose sight of my dreams so easily.
In the last few months, so many people have been able to convince me to change my mind of things that I didn't think I needed to change my mind about. My dad constantly tells me to have a back-up plan, and train as a teacher. My sisters tell me that I don't know what I want at all - in men, in a career, or in friends, and apparently they know better than me. My best friend tells me that I should take risks and stay in Brighton, and live with her, even though all my instincts and my heart tell me to go home - something she taught me to listen to and follow. My boyfriend, however, sits silently as I throw my life into the metaphorical blender and try to figure out what I want. He patiently listens, understands, and tries to give me the best advice, without being bias, pressurizing or self-involved. The one thing about going home that will change my life the most is moving away from him. I failed at a long-distance relationship once before, and considering how much that guy hates me, not only deleted but also blocked me from Facebook, genuinely has changed into an unrecognizable person and sees women as objects - I hate to think that something even vaguely similar might happen second time round. Knowing all this may help, but it's still the most nerve-wracking part of moving 200miles.
And after all this, once I've gotten where ever I'm going on April 14th, I need to figure out what to do next. I am seriously considering MAs, in either Television Production or English Literature and something, either creative writing or journalism. These are hard to decide on, but I'm hoping my lecturer will provide sage advice. I'm also banking a lot of hope on sending scripts and CVs to production companies, but like I said, that's not on my agenda yet. I'm cookie dough, and I'm not done baking yet. I don't want to try to be a writer when I'm not done baking yet; for those of you who know this Buffy reference, this should make sense. To the rest, I hope you can get what I mean. Life to me feels like a billion tasks right now; an endless to-do list and a set of goals I feel I may never reach. But I have to keep believing, I have to keep trying, because if I don't, I've got nothing. So I want to go home, I want to move back in with my parents, enjoy having money for a brief period, I want to show my parents who I've become, and I want to be able to dedicate a chunk of time purely to myself; I've missed that. So, my mind is basically made-up, I just have to set things in motion properly.
So for now, I'm enjoying the little things. Watching movies with my boyfriend, laughing with my boss for about half an hour, going out and about - I had the most amazing night in London two days ago, I went to see Millie's play, hung out backstage, and then had the most bizarre four hour journey home. I'm excited about going to Worthing next weekend, spending my second Valentine's Day with a person ever, having a paid week off in March to go home, work and spend time with friends; my birthday, seeing Charlie Simpson, and the Camden-pub-crawl; going to see Alkaline Trio and my belated christmas surprise... Life is unexpected and amazing, and very brilliant when you want it to be. I'm excited for the unpredictable, and I am taking the steps I want to take. Where ever they lead me, at least I'll know I followed my heart.