I feel stuck in between worlds. I can feel the three movements in my life: school, university, and now, slipping away from each other. School was not far off when I was at university. My closest school friends were still reachable, holidays would be jammed with seeing as many old friends as possible, including those who did not actually go to my school, but fall into that category nonetheless. And even after we left university, many meetings have been had between groups or just pairs of us. But right now, in the third state, they are slipping. People's lives are that much more busy. My friends are all becoming people with places to live and be and can't run away with me for a weekend. And it sucks, because I'm not there yet, but I'm happy for everyone with their lives and jobs and stuff. Acknowledging change is the first form of acceptance. I'm good with change most of the time. I feel it, like waves, or bursts of energy into the atmosphere, and it carries so much with it. When change is in the air, many things go with it. And even though good things can be lost, it's refreshing and you know that inevitably, good things will come, you just have to have patience and hope.
In my brain today, I feel a few things stuck. Like, usually, my brain is a tumble dryer, with a whole load of soggy clothes riddled with unanswered questions and confusion, and they all churn over and over slowly but surely. Today however, my washing is smaller. The load I had is mainly dry, so I have taken them out, but three or four things remain, damp and cold, not yet good enough to remove. And I can't quite get a grasp on them.
One is pictures. I made a collage of university pictures, so I now have three on my walls, as well as three photos, and the two pictures Maria made me next to my bed. However, the photo frame I got for my birthday sits on the floor in my study. I pretend it's there because I don't know where to put it, but it's more that I'm not entirely used to seeing it yet. Like the wound is too fresh. But, the collage I made, I put one photo in it that I hadn't been able to look at for almost two years. And I don't even remember ordering it online - I must have done it after we broke up, but I don't know why. And its now nestled between a photo of a watermelon, a photo of me, Maria and Nadia in first year, one of Sophie and I looking drunk and one of Paul Martin looking like he's giving someone head. And I'm comfortable with it there. I do wonder what my Mum thinks when she comes into my room and sees pictures of the three years I had, some how obtaining a first, all the photos suggesting I didn't, though. Oddly, I might add, one photo does make me smile, although I can't understand why: a 'winning' shot of Blue Waffle, all sweaty and shiny post-match, and the three of us look pretty happy (obviously, because we beat The Cunts), but that photo I can smile at. Despite it being a bit awkward.
Another damp item is friendships. I feel like some of the relationships I have right now are under pressure of becoming more. But, in a strange sense. And I hate the idea that if they don't become more, the friendship will flounder, possibly sink, proving it to be a false friendship in the first place. Equally, I wonder if I'm guilty of the exact same thing. I wonder if the guy I spend some of my time with, I'm only with for the hope that someday soon he'll turn around and just admit to the secret desire to be my boyfriend. And I only wonder this because I realised recently that I'm always disappointed by our time spent together, but not because I ever expect anything different, I obviously just want something else on top of it all. But annoyingly, I think he just needs a friend. He's the most confusing person I've ever met, and I don't know if he tries it on or not, but I'm starting to see through some of his cracks, and the guy underneath is fucked. Basket-case is a little too strong - more like he's in serious need of some counseling. But apparently, I like broken guys. My 'type', as this is my only way of linking all the guys I've liked in the past - is that of someone in need of help, be it emotional, mental, or anything. When I can see that a guy needs someone to mend their heart, I melt a bit. Shane, Ben, Matt and Martin all fall into that category, but for very different reasons. Equally, Mark, Ed and Henry all fall into the slightly more dangerous, 'they probably need to see a shrink' sort of category. Unsurprisingly, those relationships didn't go too well.
My last item in the washing machine is my 'future', my 'what am I doing on this planet' question that I just can't answer. And doing an MA just means I can postpone answering for another year. But I am trying to think things through laterally, and give each option (the other day, landscape gardening became an option, because I did such a darn good job at sweeping) thorough thought. My two main contenders are quite different from each other. My writing career, which may be aided by my MA, or may not, therefore could take another year and then some (two years, four years, who knows) just to get through the door, but I won't be earning much, so living would be expensive and hard and I don't know where I'd go or who I'd know and it may even involve leaving the country (YAY) but is a very undefinable future which is based a lot on luck and hard work, persistence and most importantly, who you know. The other option is to stay in Norfolk (boo) and earn lots of money living either very or relatively cheaply at home or in Norwich, which is a pretty cheap place to live, working as my parent's prodigy to eventually let them retire. This would give me time to write too, although not much, but it would be such a huge responsibility to take on, and I'd then be rooted here. I've been here three months and I need to leave already. But the money is a very big advantage. I'd love to have more money. I wouldn't have time to do anything with it, but it would still be great.
Ah, the muddle that is my head. I wish I could just get out for a few days. I keep getting little chances and backing out because of money or some lame excuse, like 'well, I really should spend some time updating my iTunes'. I need out soon though. Very tempted to go see Maria now she's in Torquay. Or go see Milli for a bit in Brighton, see how Gilly's doing too. That'd be funny. Or just run away to some sunny beach for a week. But no one I know has the money or time to do that. It's very upsetting.
I'm watching Fringe again, and I've just started watching My So-Called Life. It's excellently nineties. I'm hoping this will encourage some dreams about Jared Leto. It may have some horrific fringe-science in it, but his face is worth it, frankly.