I have two types of anger; a really loud, ugly kind, and a very cold, cruel, quiet kind. Not many things bring out the latter, but I've felt a lot of it recently. Too much, almost.
I don't want to go into the details about it; they're long and boring. To sum up, my sister has a shit lot of money just hanging around, but basically refuses to help me with my tuition at all because she thinks that I'm not struggling enough yet. As if there is some kind of chart to go by.
Equally, my father told me seven months ago, when I moved home, that I wasn't allowed a boy here, ever. I asked many questions, of course, like 'what if I had a boyfriend?' - 'no, when you have a boyfriend, you can wait until you live together. That's what your mother and I had to do; that's what all of you lot have to do too. The same rules apply to everyone'.
This obviously was a bit harsh, considering that once upon a time I actually frequently had boys here and they didn't ever have 'chats' with me when I was 18, so why start now, when I'm actually more mature/sensible/respectful of their home. But whatever, their rules, I don't want to piss them off. So I didn't.
This weekend, my brother brings his girlfriend over from Holland to meet the parents, and to join in at my brother's best friend's girlfriend's surprise party, thrown at our house. This was all well and good, it was fun, drinks were had, I got to know my brother's girlfriend, she's a really nice person and we bonded over the backstreet boys. Then, when the party was over, and everyone went to bed, where did they both go? Into my brother's room, of course. OH WAIT, what's that dad? We're all treated the same, have to abide by the same rules, etc etc? Bullshit. I don't care if he's the prodigal son or the fucking messiah, he's clearly never been given the 'chat' before in his life and I hate that he gets to breeze past all the shit that I have to deal with in this house.
So right now, I have a lot of silent rage about my siblings, and my parents, and the whole circle of crap I find myself in.
So now I'm thinking I probably can't afford to go see Muse. And I'm also thinking, I can't afford our family trip to the Netherlands at Christmas. But obviously, I have to go, so it will just involve everyone else paying for me again, and I hate that too, because there is this silent attitude of how I'm the youngest, I don't have a highly-paid job, and I still live at home. Brilliant. At least this year I don't have to listen to my siblings telling me how much I need to change my life... because I already went and did that. Look where that got me. Once again, thanks a bunch guys.