I feel very different at the moment. Very weird. Like I don't quite remember who I'm supposed to be. And it's weird to think 'is this the new me?' when new defines something fresh, something clean and sparkly and untouched. I'm definitely not new. But is this me, being old? Becoming the older version of myself? Words are getting caught in my brain today, like flies on sticky paper.
I keep feeling like I'm about to cry. I'll think of something tiny, one miniscule detail, and a huge emotion will hit me, like when a lorry drives past and you get the after-gust of air. Its horrible, I don't feel safe thinking about anything today.
I hate this county. I've been trying to surpress it, ignore it, hell I've even been saying 'No laura, positive thoughts only', but it won't go away. This place is swallowing me up. I've barely got back and I already feel lost and fucking depressed. The post-holiday come down.
I just keep thinking about one of my new favourite songs, Broken Crown, from Mumford's new album Babel. The last line just goes "And in this twilight our choices seal our fate". I think my fate is pretty sealed for the next year or so, and I hate it, because even though I feel so crap right now, I'd make the same choices all over again. I just have to grit my teeth and soldier on.
Sorry about the whine. Hopefully the next one will be happier.