I have feelings for someone that I should not have feelings for. I'm angry with myself for having let this happen (again) and I don't know what to do about it. Last night was a classic example.
I went to the pub with Ben. And I only had £6 on me, and refused to get any more out, knowing that I shouldn't stay out too late or drink too much. He needed food, so we left the pub at 11 and hit the kebab. I may have stolen most of his cheesy chips. And then we went upstairs to eat them, and Henry came home. And the three of us stayed up til 2am drinking. Ben slept on my bed, for some reason, and left at 6.30 this morning.
I should have gone to bed. I shouldn't have eaten those chips. And I didn't need to drink sailor jerrys and coke; my teeth feel awful today and my head is a bit woozy.
I know that he doesn't see me that way, and I know that he's never going to show any affection or intimacy whilst we live together. I just find his presence, his persona, to be addictive.
This might be one of those fleeting things. This might be something I've forgotten about in two weeks. But something tells me it's different. Something inside me is desperate for my impatient heart to not give up. I have no idea what any of this means, but for now all I can do is wait, listen, and maybe even hope.