Time is a fractured substance which floats around us, blinds us, confuses us, blocks our views of both past and future, and more than wanting to see clearly, we all wish to reach out and grab it. It's dust, it is light bouncing off particles, and we know it is always there but we can not understand it, touch it or move it.
The easier thing to do is to look at the world in a non-linear fashion. Time gives us chronology, lines, stories and endings. The world is a spinning ball of rock and it is shaped by the ideal of time.
Break the rules and see the world how you want to see it.
I want to go to Tokyo. I haven't left this country in a really long time, and I'm itching for adventure. I miss my two best friends, I miss their smiles and the way the help me see the world clearer. I long to be closer to both of them. Money will play havoc on my mind, but I'm determined to make this work.
I want to hold his hand. I want to talk to him about depression; about how I think it comes and goes in waves for me at the moment, and I can feel his in waves too, and I want to help, but I'm scared of putting myself out there. I'm scared he'll tell me exactly what Luke told me. I'm scared of feeling so shit and useless that the waves get bigger and I can't take my mind away from it enough to see the obvious cracks of anxiety and paranoia being filled with fear and misery. I'm scared, because I want to do so much more than hold his hand, and those desires are terrifying. I'm scared of opening up to someone; it's been such a long time, and my recent experiences of 'intimacy' have not been intimate at all. I want to open up and fall in love but those things are so terrifying that I'd rather stay quiet and let the waters of fear lap at my toes, rather than dive in to the ocean, not knowing how deep, how dark, how strong or how cold it might be.
I need to sort my life out. Everything is a bit of a jumble. My head is a jumble. Every day is a jumble of emotions and whilst I have no solution for it, I have no desire to solve any other jumbles either.
I need to break my rules, and attack this problem head on. I need to see myself how I want the world to see me.
So much to do, so little energy to do it with.