I've been thinking too much. It hurts my head. Not to sound incredibly blonde, but when your brain is constantly mulling over the same problem, there aren't many ways to get some peace and quiet. One is sleeping, but my dreams are so bizarre that it often doesn't help. One is watching something, a story that sucks you in long enough to forget your own. Problem is, watching something distracting isn't distracting when you watch it with the person you want to be distracted from. Oh God why won't my brain shut up.
I can't do this. Not again. I hate that every second of being with him reminds me of last time, and of how guilty I'd feel for the tiniest thing, but I still don't have that control. More frighteningly, I don't want that control. Its worse this time. Its like a fire that if I put it out, I won't be able to light it again. Shit me this is terrifying. Its like I'm on the edge of a cliff which is about to collapse, but the only way off is a burning bridge. Which plunge do I take? Its not going to be a happy ending for at least one person. And so far, I'm thinking it should be me. I'm the one that has gotten myself into trouble. And I'm the one that keeps wanting people when I know I shouldn't. I think I need to chop my heart off, or something. Stop looking at people. I heard something on the radio about how your more likely to fall in love with your best friend than you are likely to have a successful blind date. And I can see why.
FUUUUUUUCK. Sometimes, staying up until 2am is a great thing to do with a friend. Most of the time, with me, it leads to very difficult situations.