Back in Norfolk, for a few days. Have seen three friends, all of whom I have known for quite some time. And seeing each of them, some good friends I don't see enough of, others odd friends I can't get rid of, I realised how much I cherish memories. Not just "oh, remember that night? Hilarious!" or the like, but actual memories that someone has made stick in my head, like the smell of a mans aftershave or the accent one does when taking the piss. You could even call them idiosyncrasies, but I dont want to, as that word is driving me crazy. Either way, its those moments I want to reflect on - to add more meaning to one of my many pointless lists, the only other person in the world who knows this list is Millie, and unfortunately, she doesnt follow my blog. Shame.
1: My memory of this person is tainted with years of questions of the fateful night on which he started this list. And its almost my own fault he's on the list - I don't like to count it, but I guess he is the first person. I've forgotten all the good memories, like the carnival and Kier's parties and my parties... I don't really know what there was, except I remember one morning waking up in the Garage (Canadian cousins had taken over my room), I went straight to the computer, logged on to MSN and wrote "morning sexy" to him; the rest is history I guess, but I remember how excited I was. I should try hold that in my head, instead of dark thoughts about public nudity...
2: The one my sister will never forget. I remember my moped breaking down in his driveway, and my Dad and brother came to rescue it. Very embarrassing. I remember his dog, who was beautiful. I remember his 16th birthday, I remember he asked my out at the bus stop and I wanted to hit him for being unromantic but I was too eager to say yes. I remember lots of laughing; Alan Partridge was always on. And feeder; listening to his favourite song on the bus that covers the entire length of Norfolk in the sunshine, feeling sleepy. I remember wearing his bracelet to school, and as I got off the bus I realised it had fallen off: I felt so guilty. I still feel bad about losing it.
3: He was the important one. I completely fell for him, and so my memories are mainly bias - I'm sure he would see them differently to me, looking back. So much sunshine, it was unnatural for England. Following their band, drinking, driving, feeling free from parents for the first time, and feeling free from worries. Then summer ended, shit got real, and a lot of stuff changed. I'll never forget sitting on that beach and knowing my two options, but choosing what would be best for him, in the long run, because he was so damn clever, he deserved so much more.
4: Can't say I remember much, only that Gran Canaria trip was the best. And although I shouldn't have, I'm glad what happened did, because it really opened my eyes to the world. And I got a little frightened, and ran away screaming, so to speak. But he, in another list, is number 3. I recently had to re-adjust this list, but bias-aside, he is 3. [Ironically, in another list which is topped by number 9, he is BOTTOM. Funny.]
5: I wish for various reasons that he wasn't on this list. Firstly, because it was the weirdest day, its still hard to think about how we got to where we were, and when it happened the build up seemed pointless. Secondly, it changed our friendship a bit, and for a while we weren't friends because of it. And thirdly, and most importantly, if he weren't on this list, I might never have been 'banned' from seeing him, and I wish I could have. I forget how well we get along, its a shame we can never see each other. Best memory is us 'revising' together pathetically in the forum. No wonder we both failed.
6: Funny, to think back, of the brilliant situations I get myself in. The field, the nettles, the bet, the walk home, the burning pain, the pill and the week long rash sum up our friendship. It was all a bit of fun and games until someone [me] got hurt. And now, I feel like such a different person to that girl, but I'm glad I was her for a bit: makes for good stories.
7: What should be the longest entry is going to be the shortest. My memories are currently all tainted. Eventually, though, I might remember the happiness.
8: Oh wow, where to start. The kneeling. The boats, oh the endless talk of water. The fucking wine sipping. The filthy flat. The arguments, that I just wanted to walk away from, but he wouldn't let me. He also wouldn't let me break up with him. Probably why I still have dreams, well, nightmares, in which I suddenly remember that he's still my boyfriend. Thank God he's not.
9: I wish I could remove this one, the most. Everything in my life right now would be different, I know that much, but I guess I might lose some of the great things too. We weren't supposed to get together, and he wasn't supposed to let me know how he felt. I used him, and I hate myself for it. I can remember a lot, but I wish we were still making memories, as friends, as close as we used to be. We were like the shittiest dynamic duo you ever saw. But it was nice. I guess it wasn't for him, though.
10: As much as I should, I don't regret this. We were once friends - I think people forget that. I remember watching The O.C for hours, and no one knew I was home, because he hadn't moved for so long. I remember thinking "this is fun, because its wrong". I also remember realising that it wasn't wrong - it was right in the sense that I was telling myself I wasn't happy; I was too stubborn to admit it, so I did something so bad that others would have to tell it to my face. Hit rock bottom, but I guess climbing out of that hole, I found a few good friends.
11:Who needs memories when you've got right now? I remember telling a joke, then wondering if you'd find it funny or offensive. Neither: you just thought I hated you. I remember drinking tea with you after a night out, and walking over the road and instantly missing you. I remember telling Sophie and Rhianmor about the various people who have starred in my sex dreams, but not revealing to them you were in one, because I thought they'd think I liked you. I remember the look on your face this time last year; I remember feeling so horrible, so empathetic, I just wanted to make you happy again. I remember sitting on your bed and wondering why I had never been in your new room before. I remember waking up next to the wrong person and knowing that all I wanted, for as far as I can see in front of me, is you.
I'd like to say, in a desperately plea to the Universe, that my list ends here.
I've found something. Some call it Nirvana, some call it heaven, some just call it an inner calm. [I won't say what I call it, it's far too cheesey.]
Oh, and finally: I realised I want to teach, so that I can teach others not to do what I did. Don't think detention is cool, don't spend all your time playing Final Fantasy 8, don't start drinking with clowns, and most importantly, don't take your clothes off unless you've really thought about it. He usually isnt worth it in the morning, but if you wait a few weeks, he's going to be worth it. Or, he'll fuck off and you'll save yourself a massive list like mine.
I don't regret things, but I do wonder how things might be different, under different circumstances. So after all this babbling, my message is: life will throw at you the biggest punches it can muster, you've just got to learn which ones to duck, and which to take smack in the face.