Today I want to cry, and I have no clue why. I feel like something massive is brewing just beneath my skin and I can't move it, I can't understand it, it just looms there, threatening to spew out one day and leave a big ugly mess...
I am going to try something quite random, but important to me. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut, and this is the first step. I will have short hair again, and I will let it grow, cut it again, let it grow, cut it again and soon, maybe in three to four months, the only hair on my head will be my natural hair colour. This has not happened for around eight years. I'm not sure what its going to look like, but that's the point. I want to learn to love my hair again, and not hate it and change it every other week. I want to feel like I'm looking at my true self when I see my reflection - not just a made-up, dyed, falsified version of someone I wish I was. I like being me, and I want to spread that to all my 'anger areas'. The other thing I want to work on is my figure, namely my belly, and through a few months of hard work actually be able to wear t-shirts without looking pregnant. That would be great. I can't learn to love my belly, I've tried and it doesn't work, so I will conquer the problem and love the solution.
The other things are a bit petty, but worth doing anyway. My ear piercings are fucked, and I'm slowly trying to make them better by applying tea-tree oil to them, and I need to save up for some nice gold studs to wear as they will help too. I also want to sort out my ugly-ass ex-in-growing toe nails, as they gripe me sometimes and because they don't cause me pain doctor's don't care about them, so I will have to find a chiropodist and get help that way. I also want to have a center of calm and focus that I can go to, and release all the anger and rage creatively. I want to take up drawing again, as I miss it. I miss the feeling that my fingers, with a chub of charcoal in them, could create a picture that invoked emotion. Art makes your body feel powerful, and that feeling is something every one should experience. I want to draw and write and create, I want to learn and expand my mind, so that when I see the places I want to see, take in the cultures and the life and the passions, I will be able to respond emotionally and creatively, taking inspiration and adding brick after brick to the wall that is my soul.
I can feel something stirring in my body. This emotion, this hunger for something I cannot or do not have; I feel it inside like a charged current, and it is a steady reminder of what is to come. Some people strongly believe one way or another about things - religion, war, political and global issues - but I have never really strayed that far from the fence-area. I do believe some things, but I also see the other side quite clearly and I empathize with their point of view. I don't know how much control we have over our lives, and I don't believe in God necessarily, but I like to think that powers exist that we do not recognize and they could control our fates, mess with our heads, emotions and bodies. I can feel a power. I don't know how to describe it, because I think you only feel it if your mind is open to the possibility of it, but I feel a power, and it is pulling me away from my home. It has a pretty strong grip, and it gives extra tugs occasionally, but it is lightly pulling me away and I know that I have to follow it. I could try push against it, but that would just prolong the inevitable. I have four days holiday next week, so I will be back in farmer country and on the burger vans, in the local pub and laying face down in the gutter with my dear friend by my side holding my hair back (god I hope not). So being back in this place of joy and reckless abandon, I wonder if I will still feel the pull, or will it have loosened its hold? Neither answer will make me change my mind, but I am curious to see what happens now, as I glimpse the future I am mapping out for myself.
Thought of the day: can you define the difference between your own wants and needs? Does one 'need' a lover? Does one just 'want' food? In this backwards world where we once would eat to live and now we live to eat, it is hard to register true necessity from the simple desire we have for easier existence and a life without hardships.