It's been almost two months, so I'll write my world down. My world I left behind. The world I gave up, and told myself to not look back at, no matter how much I wanted to. My neck really hurts, so today I'll let it turn for the first time, and have a moment, but tomorrow it won't hurt anymore, and I'll be facing forward forever more.
The beginning is a blur. It was a recurring argument of who started what. A girl thought we were a couple, so we played along, and it fitted. Our friendship had been like that of two young best friends, where we might not do anything, we might sit and chat, drink tea, watch a film, but it was all done in each other's company. Being near him was so crucial to my existence, and I didn't realise this until everything started to unfold.
I was still with Ben at the time, and we were pretending to be a couple, and we all went back to their house to carry on the 'party', and I sat in his bedroom. Apparently, this was my 'move'. I remember thinking 'Macina and Dan are both trying to get with this girl, I don't want to have to watch/listen to the embarrassment of it anymore', so I was upstairs, I think I had peed, and I sat in his room. And he came in, and we chatted for a bit, and then he started to lean in to kiss me, and every part of our friendship hung in this balance of what happened next, and everything slowed down and my mind was racing and I didn't know what to do, as I had a boyfriend, and I was trying to be a good girlfriend, but this moment was happening, and it felt like a gravity that had been looming for a while, waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect evening, to present itself. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back, and then I knew I had to change my life around, as everything was wrong again.
It took a few more drunken nights of him telling me to leave Ben, but one day he decided to be sober for a month, because he was getting a bit ridiculous, and in that time, I broke up with Ben, and I waved goodbye to him for good, and to this day, have not seen him since. And I returned to Southampton with a new canvas to start upon. So I started really slowly to paint what I knew, from before he even kissed me, would be a beautiful picture.
We started so slowly, and I'd never done that before. We would sleep in the same bed, but we put off other things, so I felt young and nervous again. I loved being able to sleep next to him, and be hugged and loved, and just feel so close to him.
He told me he loved me when he was drunk. It took us both a while to say it sober, but I remember him saying it to me, and I just smiled for about a week. I would walk to and from the gym with Maria just smiling serenely. Other aspects of my life were still bad / in the shitter, but it was okay, because I was so happy, and no one could take that from me.
The first few months are a blur of sex and tea. It was like an amazing montage of an eighties film starring Rob Lowe.
We would go to the library together. We made pacts to do work during the day, and see each other in the evening, to help us get work done. I can thank him for helping me get a first - I know I wouldn't have been so hard working without him helping me.
Our friends all seemed to take our relationship in their stride amazingly. Everyone seemed to see it coming / knew how we felt before we even did, so the transition was pretty smooth and effortless. And we all spent the last few weeks of uni making some amazing memories, and I love those weeks. Our last day, our hand in, our last night in the fat cat with Marc and Sara - they are perfect moments in my life, and I wouldn't change them for the world.
His birthday coincided with something I had wanted to do for so long - take some one abroad. Death Cab were playing in Berlin, and I got so nervous thinking about everything that could go wrong in booking it, but I did it, and it was worth it, because it was a lovely few days, and now a whole city will forever remind me of him, and of our time together.
Brighton, and moving, and finding jobs took a lot out of all of us, but the first few months were so warm and easy. It was when I got my job that we started becoming a 'married couple', but it was so easy to fall in to simple routines. Food, films, our TV shows, and the Indian down the road. I'd go home at weekends and get really drunk, spend a lot of money, burn the candle at both ends, but in Brighton I was this sensible person.
I don't want to reflect on the bad things. I loved our relationship, but we always knew our future was awkwardly unclear. I wish I could have done things differently, but in the end, we did the right thing. I know that no matter what happens in both our lives, where we go, we'll always be able to sit and drink tea and smile about what we had.
I hope you every happiness. I hope we can become the friends we once were, or something similar, because I miss my old neighbour. I make cakes now, and have no one to feed them to.
I will always have a space in my heart for you, and I hope you know that. Falling in love with you was one of the best things that ever happened to me, so I wouldn't change a single thing about how it happened. I like to listen to Death Cab and just float, blissful and at peace. So, for introducing me to that band, and for so many other things, thank you Martin. It's been amazing.