So, the road trip went well. I spent a lot of money on petrol, but I believe it was worth every penny. It was nice to see everyone and I have some more fun memories to add to the list of why 2013 is better than 2012.
I've since been watching some bizarre things on Youtube. Firstly, the 'shit girls say' videos, which made me die with laughter, as they are so true, and I am guilty of most of the things in the video. And that lead me to the video blog of one Jenna Marbles. I'd heard of her before, somehow, and now I find her voice has resonated in my mind, and my own thoughts sound like her voice. She's just so damn right about most things.
Maria and I went to a little town called Clevedon, near Weston-Super-Mare, to see her sister. We bought sweets (I bought an awesome milkshake), we went the charity shops, we went to a little boutique and I got some new shoes, bag, scarf and necklace, and the sisters got to spend some good time together. Then we drove down to the beach and had a walk on the cliffs and on the rocks, and picked stones. I brought a couple back with me and added them to the plate I have in my room, which consists of: the buddha-shaped incense holder; a shell I picked off Brighton beach which is slightly imperfect, and reminded me of me; stones Milli and I picked at Dunwich beach; stones Maria picked off Thorpeness beach; a few stones I found in my bad after Dukie and Ben weighed my bag down with them on Covehithe beach; a marble from when I was a kid; a couple random things I've forgotten over the years but have added to the plate because they look like they'd belong there. This little plate sits on my windowsill, near my candle, and I never burn my incense anymore because the dust and crap goes all over the white windowsill and Mum tuts a lot, but I like to see them and remember what that plate represents to me. Little chunks of beaches, of marine life, a shell and a bit of slate - it's the world, pressed and changed over time, where I have been, on one plate. It's my version of the world so far, and I can make it what I want, I can add stuff, take stuff away, throw the whole thing away, buy a bigger plate to transfer it to - it is all under my control, I just need to decide what to do with it.
I'm having a lot of trouble with decisions at the moment.
I don't know what I want at all, and I wish I could answer just a couple of the questions in my head, but so far its pretty blank up there.
Do I want a relationship, or do I just like the idea of one? Do I want to leave Norfolk, or do I just want to leave home? Do I want to pursue my dream, or do I want to find a stable job for a while? Would I rather live here unhappy but relatively at ease with having no money, or do I want to move out, be happy, but be broke / even more in debt and panicking about it?
What is actually important to me at the moment, and what could I live without?
Who is important enough to hold on to, and who could I live without / away from?
I have an essay due in two days. Once thats in and done, its dissertation-station. Nothing but that for the next 123 days (four months).
I'm shitting myself a little bit. Here's hoping I can answer those questions and pull through at the last minute.