Life!

 

Yesterday my sisters told me that they thought my 'blog' (I don't know if one, or all, entries) was 'suicidal'. Now, I've been accused of sounding suicidal twice before in my life - once when I wrote a diary entry and then 'disappeared' to Guildford with a battery-less phone - people jumped to some rather large assumptions with that one; and once, in a time I'd rather not reflect on, but I still have a nice little scar to remind me not to do such stupid things. This entry is a response to my sisters, and to anyone else who may agree with their opinion of my blog (and yes, in case your wondering, despite having two sisters, they are basically one entity of thought, opinion and life choices).

I'm not suicidal, and the fact that one could say that about me proves how little you know me. I've never wanted to hide anything in my blogs, but there are certain things which I do keep to myself, because I don't want to tell the world about certain moments in my life. And I don't ever want to seem proud, flaunting or excessively boastful about the things I have done in my life, good or bad - but this is what my life is. I can't deny it, hide it or run from it - I've accepted it and got on with things. Last year was the first time I actually achieved something amazing from turning around and walking away from the evil things in my life. If anything, in the last year I've learned just how much life is worth living, because spending two years pretending to be something you're not is no way to live a life. I don't like regrets, so I intend to live my own life without them.

My sister recently got a pay rise. She earns a lot of money, and due to Singapore tax being different, she earns a lot more net there than she would do here, so is staying out there for a bit more dollar. Apart from her pretty sweet flat/apartment/condo/thing, there isn't much to show for her money. Pictures from holidays, hangovers, sun damaged skin and a closet full of sundresses is all she really has to show for her luxurious life style in Asia. And she reads my blogs about overcoming problems, moving on with life, being honest and open with friends, having emotions for my ex's (because who the hell doesn't?) and having dreams and ambitions, and she sees these blogs as suicidal? Sorry, but how does that work exactly? The part of my brain that failed physics is not quite with it, obviously, because I can't seem to grasp why I'm the one to worry about. I don't have two pounds to rub together, yet I'm happy and doing exactly what I said I was going to do this year, no help from parents, siblings or banks - just purely living independently, slowly filling in my overdrafts, and proving that I can hold a job down for longer than a couple weeks.

I need to stop trying to prove myself to my sisters. I'm not suicidal - and even if I were, there's not a lot those two could do to change that - and more importantly, I'm not a child anymore. Please stop treating me like one.