Massive job search.
Massive life change.
May even delete my blog.
It's all getting a bit wild now...
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Monday 19 December 2011
Life!
I'm not suicidal, and the fact that one could say that about me proves how little you know me. I've never wanted to hide anything in my blogs, but there are certain things which I do keep to myself, because I don't want to tell the world about certain moments in my life. And I don't ever want to seem proud, flaunting or excessively boastful about the things I have done in my life, good or bad - but this is what my life is. I can't deny it, hide it or run from it - I've accepted it and got on with things. Last year was the first time I actually achieved something amazing from turning around and walking away from the evil things in my life. If anything, in the last year I've learned just how much life is worth living, because spending two years pretending to be something you're not is no way to live a life. I don't like regrets, so I intend to live my own life without them.
My sister recently got a pay rise. She earns a lot of money, and due to Singapore tax being different, she earns a lot more net there than she would do here, so is staying out there for a bit more dollar. Apart from her pretty sweet flat/apartment/condo/thing, there isn't much to show for her money. Pictures from holidays, hangovers, sun damaged skin and a closet full of sundresses is all she really has to show for her luxurious life style in Asia. And she reads my blogs about overcoming problems, moving on with life, being honest and open with friends, having emotions for my ex's (because who the hell doesn't?) and having dreams and ambitions, and she sees these blogs as suicidal? Sorry, but how does that work exactly? The part of my brain that failed physics is not quite with it, obviously, because I can't seem to grasp why I'm the one to worry about. I don't have two pounds to rub together, yet I'm happy and doing exactly what I said I was going to do this year, no help from parents, siblings or banks - just purely living independently, slowly filling in my overdrafts, and proving that I can hold a job down for longer than a couple weeks.
I need to stop trying to prove myself to my sisters. I'm not suicidal - and even if I were, there's not a lot those two could do to change that - and more importantly, I'm not a child anymore. Please stop treating me like one.
Thursday 15 December 2011
Three celts and a black man walked into a room...
I'm going to copy and paste another persons blog. I love this person, and the way that they write and see the world and allow me into their head in a magical yet unending way. I miss the way that every day I would try to find out what this person had been up to. I miss, for a brief yet amazing period of time when I was 12, I would see this person every day. This person has so many links into my life, and this person is one of the first things that I ever mentally ticked off my bucket list: meet my idol. Tell him how beautiful his music is. Make him smile, and feel like I'm not just a meaningless pawn in the fan-world: he had the time to say hello, to learn my name and ask where he knew me from, and I love him for that. I don't care what people say about reality tv stars, and 'celebrity' not meaning anything these days - all my notions of fame and respect start with him. One day, I hope to meet him again, and be less nervous and/or drunk. That would be ace.
So, over to Ainslie:
So, over to Ainslie:
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
"sometimes the sun works against me and although it s warrm and like your mother used to say you should be out side i just want to hide in the shadows or curl up in bed, i've so much i should be happy for today and im getting the feeling to run away. you could call me ungratefull. i'm not ,good things but theres a little knot of something and it wont go away. and it's when you feel you shouldn't be feeling things that you sometimes feel them most. i'm still playing with the boundaries of how much i can let out here. but fuck it. no one has to read what they dont want to. and this is just how it is today, everything feels like a compitition that i'm losing , i am a spelling mistake and what a sad view of life this is. the only reason i put up this blog is so i can take comfort in it's passing."
Sunday 11 December 2011
Bucket List
There are so many things that I want to achieve / finally do / experience in this world. Today I'm going to try to write these down. I will probably forget many things, and edit this slowly over the years, and hopefully do a lot of them too, so the list slowly but surely decreases.
Chapter 1: Adrenaline
Chapter 1: Adrenaline
- Bungy Jump
- Jump out of a plane
- Do a 'theme-park' tour of America
- Ride the top 10 biggest rollar coasters in the world (one done, 9 to go!)
- Learn to surf / wind-surf / para-glide (any the water-related sports)
- Go to ONE famous music festival
- See Muse live
- See Mumford and Sons live
- See Linkin Park live
- See Les Mis / The Lion King / The Jersey Boys at the west end / broadway
- See Robbie and/or Take That live
- Write the whole series of 'Impressions'
- Write a novel
- Write something of each genre
- Write a video-game script
- Work on a comic book / graphic novel series
- Meet at least 1 person from each top 5 list
- Earn enough money to send my future children to the best school possible
- Be involved in the making of a film
- be involved in the making of a music video (of a GOOD band)
- Help my friends + family accomplish their dreams
- No matter where life takes me, be true to myself and follow my heart
- Love my career
- Be part of a project to help children and teens i.e. youth club
- Make a difference, in a good way
- Inspire people
- Love, and be loved, and look back with no regrets, no lost dreams, and no abandoned hopes
Friday 9 December 2011
Something beautiful is happening
Have you ever heard a song that sent shivers down your spine more than once? Have you ever heard a song that just made perfect sense - like someone had seen into your mind, and written exactly how one emotion controls you, except you've never met that person before: in fact, you're sitting on a train, flicking desperately though your iPod, and you just stumbled upon this utter gem one day.
Let's journey back. Sometime between 2003 and 2005, I can't remember when, I was sitting home watching music channels like a cool kid, and saw a video for a song, Palahnuik's Laughter. Being 12 when Busted were about, I knew that Charlie Simpson was the reason Busted split, wanting to start a rock band. I had heard murmurs of the band being a failure, but I saw the video, heard the song and thought, yeah. That wasn't terrible. Not as good as 'Thunderbirds Are Go', but hey, I'm still a little sad about that.
A few years passed. In my 'emo' years I would download 5 or so songs of one artist who I had heard one song of to see if I liked any of there other stuff. I had downloaded a few Fightstar tracks from 'They Liked You Better When You Were Dead', all very poor quality, and despite the crackling, I enjoyed the other stuff.
2009, at some point, hits. I'm just chilling out at the pub after a long laborious day at university, and my friends Coates and Matt are having an age-old argument (I'm pretty sure every one else was joining in too). Coates makes one seething comment about anyone, probably Gerard Way, or Jared Leto, as he hates them both so much - and Matt, or anyone's response, would always be "go listen to Busted". Of course, I heard this all happening, and thought I'd chip in with 'I like fightstar'. Probably didn't help, as my music taste is some what bizarre, and I am a proud fan of McFly... Needless to say, once the argument had moved on, Coates brings this up again. "You like Fightstar? Or have you just heard their singles..." I reply that I really like the song Amethyst, and he basically creams himself. "OH MY GOD, they're playing in Brighton in a few months and I have no one to go with - COME!"
So, months later, we go to said gig. It happens to fall right in the middle of the worst few months of my life, so I have to leave the gig to take a phone call from Ben, and I get very angry, try to phone Rich but he doesn't answer (and I later get told off for leaving him some kind of message... God knows what it said. I'd had a lot to drink). And I go back into the venue. The men, throwing themselves around the room, are nothing like the fans you see at pop concerts - I would know, I've been to enough of them - and this is far from that. Fightstar suddenly seem more real to me, as they stand their, playing their guts out, creating fights in a packed Brighton venue, I think 'yeah. they're cool. I'm not embarrassed to be here'. Coates and I wait outside to meet the band. "Fan Boy" Coates is like a child on Christmas eve, and I take pictures of him with all the guys. He loves it. We go to a hotel, shower, sleep, and go home in the morning, having missed our last train just so we could take pictures.
Uni then gets very interesting. Friends disappear like ships in the mist; I'm alone a lot, thinking a lot, writing and working and not knowing what the hell happened to my life. I remember a song I heard Fightstar playing live that sounded so good, and really struck a nerve (after my phone calls), called War Machine. I put my ipod into my speakers and just listen. The song brings me to think about my own life, and how I can't handle all the shit people keep throwing at me, and equally that the story I had given up on still has life in it. I remember wanting to put all my problems into Dali's world, so that I could deal with them better. She was my cure for life, and I had forgotten how to tap into that.
Summer, and third year, and I have to decide what to do for my final project. I still think Dali is dead and buried, but I can't think of a single idea strong enough to write for a year without getting sick of it. I walk to uni alone one morning and scroll desperately through my iPod - I hover over Feeder, and I see Fightstar. Something that day literally called out to me. I listened to the playlist from the top, and as I approached the uni building, four songs later, I knew exactly what to do about my story. Dali would be resurrected, with a furious passion, and I would incorporate the songs meanings into it, very subtly, and build something from there.
'Be Human' is the album I go to when I need to write emotional scenes, and 'Grand Unification' is the album I go to when I need to get into Dali's head, feel her troubles, and tap into that teenage anger. I have made up entire sequences of story development purely from listening to a Fightstar song. They helped me narrow down my ideas so much - Charlie hails from Suffolk, and I had been advised to 'write what you know' in terms of location, so I ditched the 'Worthing' idea, as I wanted south coast, and went with East Coast - Suffolk, Southwold, a place I know and love, and can therefore justify having Fightstar on the soundtrack. This also influenced my 'British' idea. Charlie's voice is amazing, and I wanted to find other British bands and artists that complemented, matched and continued that tone. Admittedly, The Beatles was a weird one, but hey, I got a first, no point being fussy now!
Since then, Charlie released a solo album 'Young Pilgrim', which Coates and I have seen two tour dates of, and are now planning a third. I've just downloaded Charlie's old EP, 'When We Were Lions', and its all I can listen to.
This man, his band, and the music they create, has literally helped my life in many ways. As much as Muse and 30 Seconds to Mars have done a lot, I don't think they're quite up there with saving my life from crumbling away into self-despising agony. I am so glad that I used to sit home all Saturday watching music channels as a kid. Mum said it would never get me anywhere, but I think I just proved that it actually got me a first - something no one in my family thought I could achieve.
Let's journey back. Sometime between 2003 and 2005, I can't remember when, I was sitting home watching music channels like a cool kid, and saw a video for a song, Palahnuik's Laughter. Being 12 when Busted were about, I knew that Charlie Simpson was the reason Busted split, wanting to start a rock band. I had heard murmurs of the band being a failure, but I saw the video, heard the song and thought, yeah. That wasn't terrible. Not as good as 'Thunderbirds Are Go', but hey, I'm still a little sad about that.
A few years passed. In my 'emo' years I would download 5 or so songs of one artist who I had heard one song of to see if I liked any of there other stuff. I had downloaded a few Fightstar tracks from 'They Liked You Better When You Were Dead', all very poor quality, and despite the crackling, I enjoyed the other stuff.
2009, at some point, hits. I'm just chilling out at the pub after a long laborious day at university, and my friends Coates and Matt are having an age-old argument (I'm pretty sure every one else was joining in too). Coates makes one seething comment about anyone, probably Gerard Way, or Jared Leto, as he hates them both so much - and Matt, or anyone's response, would always be "go listen to Busted". Of course, I heard this all happening, and thought I'd chip in with 'I like fightstar'. Probably didn't help, as my music taste is some what bizarre, and I am a proud fan of McFly... Needless to say, once the argument had moved on, Coates brings this up again. "You like Fightstar? Or have you just heard their singles..." I reply that I really like the song Amethyst, and he basically creams himself. "OH MY GOD, they're playing in Brighton in a few months and I have no one to go with - COME!"
So, months later, we go to said gig. It happens to fall right in the middle of the worst few months of my life, so I have to leave the gig to take a phone call from Ben, and I get very angry, try to phone Rich but he doesn't answer (and I later get told off for leaving him some kind of message... God knows what it said. I'd had a lot to drink). And I go back into the venue. The men, throwing themselves around the room, are nothing like the fans you see at pop concerts - I would know, I've been to enough of them - and this is far from that. Fightstar suddenly seem more real to me, as they stand their, playing their guts out, creating fights in a packed Brighton venue, I think 'yeah. they're cool. I'm not embarrassed to be here'. Coates and I wait outside to meet the band. "Fan Boy" Coates is like a child on Christmas eve, and I take pictures of him with all the guys. He loves it. We go to a hotel, shower, sleep, and go home in the morning, having missed our last train just so we could take pictures.
Uni then gets very interesting. Friends disappear like ships in the mist; I'm alone a lot, thinking a lot, writing and working and not knowing what the hell happened to my life. I remember a song I heard Fightstar playing live that sounded so good, and really struck a nerve (after my phone calls), called War Machine. I put my ipod into my speakers and just listen. The song brings me to think about my own life, and how I can't handle all the shit people keep throwing at me, and equally that the story I had given up on still has life in it. I remember wanting to put all my problems into Dali's world, so that I could deal with them better. She was my cure for life, and I had forgotten how to tap into that.
Summer, and third year, and I have to decide what to do for my final project. I still think Dali is dead and buried, but I can't think of a single idea strong enough to write for a year without getting sick of it. I walk to uni alone one morning and scroll desperately through my iPod - I hover over Feeder, and I see Fightstar. Something that day literally called out to me. I listened to the playlist from the top, and as I approached the uni building, four songs later, I knew exactly what to do about my story. Dali would be resurrected, with a furious passion, and I would incorporate the songs meanings into it, very subtly, and build something from there.
'Be Human' is the album I go to when I need to write emotional scenes, and 'Grand Unification' is the album I go to when I need to get into Dali's head, feel her troubles, and tap into that teenage anger. I have made up entire sequences of story development purely from listening to a Fightstar song. They helped me narrow down my ideas so much - Charlie hails from Suffolk, and I had been advised to 'write what you know' in terms of location, so I ditched the 'Worthing' idea, as I wanted south coast, and went with East Coast - Suffolk, Southwold, a place I know and love, and can therefore justify having Fightstar on the soundtrack. This also influenced my 'British' idea. Charlie's voice is amazing, and I wanted to find other British bands and artists that complemented, matched and continued that tone. Admittedly, The Beatles was a weird one, but hey, I got a first, no point being fussy now!
Since then, Charlie released a solo album 'Young Pilgrim', which Coates and I have seen two tour dates of, and are now planning a third. I've just downloaded Charlie's old EP, 'When We Were Lions', and its all I can listen to.
This man, his band, and the music they create, has literally helped my life in many ways. As much as Muse and 30 Seconds to Mars have done a lot, I don't think they're quite up there with saving my life from crumbling away into self-despising agony. I am so glad that I used to sit home all Saturday watching music channels as a kid. Mum said it would never get me anywhere, but I think I just proved that it actually got me a first - something no one in my family thought I could achieve.
Wednesday 7 December 2011
A Little Less Sixteen....
I had an awesome time at high school. Things were shit occasionally, but all those moments fade away when I remember just how excellent life was. I literally used to be so excited to just wake up.
Where did that go?
Am I boring now? Have I lost my sense of adventure? I want to feel young again. The past few months, and even the majority of third year, I had to concentrate so hard on getting life right, on achieving my goals and just surviving with money that I didn't put any energy into making sure I was having fun. I wonder now if it's too late to get it back, as I'm crippled with adult worries and thoughts. I'm going to try, as inexpensively and casually as possible, to get that feeling of total serenity and joy back.
I miss being a teenager, but I know that it's not something that I can just turn around to and get back. Life has changed in so many ways, I just hope I haven't.
Where did that go?
Am I boring now? Have I lost my sense of adventure? I want to feel young again. The past few months, and even the majority of third year, I had to concentrate so hard on getting life right, on achieving my goals and just surviving with money that I didn't put any energy into making sure I was having fun. I wonder now if it's too late to get it back, as I'm crippled with adult worries and thoughts. I'm going to try, as inexpensively and casually as possible, to get that feeling of total serenity and joy back.
I miss being a teenager, but I know that it's not something that I can just turn around to and get back. Life has changed in so many ways, I just hope I haven't.
Carpe Noctem
I went to Paris, with one of my best friends to see one of our favourite bands, 30 Seconds to Mars. I've seen them before, in Bournemouth, but as you can imagine, a large stadium in the rough area of Paris is very different from an OAP-infested town on the South Coast. It was like the difference between this and this. One up close, but small venues do suffer from lack of money/ability to put on the amazing shows, and one epic show, but thousands of people stood between us and them... The one thing I do love, is that I have seen both sides of this band, and they do both excellently.
Paris is stunning. I don't care what anyone says about the French people or the dog poo, I loved every inch of this city, even when we were scrambling across an un-built road trying to follow our Jared-senses. The museums, the history, the stunning old buildings, the churches, the Notre Dame, the myths and legends that this city holds, the amount of fame and fortune based solely on the image of the Eiffel Tower, the power and the presence of the capital city... Nothing can compare to the feeling of seeing something you've seen a billion times, but this time you can physically reach out and touch it. The engulfing sense of how tiny you are as you stare wide-eyed at the city from the top of the emblem of the city, and you know that you haven't made the slightest difference to this city in being here, but you feel part of it still. You're in the moment, and in any second something massive could happen, and you would have been part of it. For me, that massive thing is just living. Breathing in everything that life offers you, taking those chances, risking, loving, and just enjoying the blessings and brushing off the curses. Life is not worth worrying about. Standing in a room of probably 10,000 people, knowing that every single person was there to watch one man sing (lets face it, as pretty as Shannon is, the focus is all on the younger brother) I felt a moment being made. I know that in years to come, I will reminisce with Milli about that awesome weekend in Paris we had. I won't think 'Oh god, I spent too much money' or 'what a shame we didn't go to that museum, or that building' - those four days will live as perfect gems in my memory.
I can't describe the way that one song, or one picture makes me feel, because emotions are totally unique. I hear From Yesterday and I get a tingle, every time, but I couldn't pinpoint why. When I look at the pictures of a night out, everyone may be smiling, but I know we were all having a terrible time; equally, the pictures may be blurry, unflattering and plain weird, but I know how amazing the night was so I don't see the faults, I remember the joy and the love.
Carpe Noctem, instead of Carpe Diem - Seize the night. The day is for working, for earning money, for going to the gym and for putting on your smile. The night is dark and mysterious, and you can be whatever you want to be because of it.
Paris is stunning. I don't care what anyone says about the French people or the dog poo, I loved every inch of this city, even when we were scrambling across an un-built road trying to follow our Jared-senses. The museums, the history, the stunning old buildings, the churches, the Notre Dame, the myths and legends that this city holds, the amount of fame and fortune based solely on the image of the Eiffel Tower, the power and the presence of the capital city... Nothing can compare to the feeling of seeing something you've seen a billion times, but this time you can physically reach out and touch it. The engulfing sense of how tiny you are as you stare wide-eyed at the city from the top of the emblem of the city, and you know that you haven't made the slightest difference to this city in being here, but you feel part of it still. You're in the moment, and in any second something massive could happen, and you would have been part of it. For me, that massive thing is just living. Breathing in everything that life offers you, taking those chances, risking, loving, and just enjoying the blessings and brushing off the curses. Life is not worth worrying about. Standing in a room of probably 10,000 people, knowing that every single person was there to watch one man sing (lets face it, as pretty as Shannon is, the focus is all on the younger brother) I felt a moment being made. I know that in years to come, I will reminisce with Milli about that awesome weekend in Paris we had. I won't think 'Oh god, I spent too much money' or 'what a shame we didn't go to that museum, or that building' - those four days will live as perfect gems in my memory.
I can't describe the way that one song, or one picture makes me feel, because emotions are totally unique. I hear From Yesterday and I get a tingle, every time, but I couldn't pinpoint why. When I look at the pictures of a night out, everyone may be smiling, but I know we were all having a terrible time; equally, the pictures may be blurry, unflattering and plain weird, but I know how amazing the night was so I don't see the faults, I remember the joy and the love.
Carpe Noctem, instead of Carpe Diem - Seize the night. The day is for working, for earning money, for going to the gym and for putting on your smile. The night is dark and mysterious, and you can be whatever you want to be because of it.
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