I wrote this a while ago. I didn't want to post it at the time, but I think I can now. I think enough has been said, and enough has been done.
Book 1: James
I'm in love with my best friend. I don't know what to do about it, because we didn't make it more than a week as a couple, yet I cannot live without him in my life. I'm a teddy bear and he is my stitching, and most people don't notice him there, but when you get close you can tell that he holds together every part of me. And for the first time, I don't long for him more because he's unattainable. I mean, he might be attainable, I'm not sure if he ever thinks of me that way, or of what we could be, but more than that I just can't lose him as a friend, but being his friend makes me love him more every day, in a cruel circle I'm stuck inside. It sounds so childish, and it probably is, because I've known him that long, but there's something I can't say no to. There's something in me that needs him in more ways than I care to admit to, and its really fucking scaring me, but I can't ignore it, hard as I try.
Book 2: Matthew
I'm suffering from a lack of closure. I was in love with a guy who got lost - even he can't find himself, who he used to be, and its heartbreaking. He was amazing in so many ways and I don't think he ever knew that, and I wish I could bring that guy back to tell him, but he's not there anymore. It's like trying to talk to a picture - it looks the same, but it's all 2-dimensional, with false emotion and the pretense of remembering who he once was. I sometimes get these pangs, like a harp player plucking my heart strings, and I long to know him again, to talk to him, to be near him and just know that he's around. Obviously I took him for granted, and I feel crap about it, but I want to be able to tie up the frayed string of our relationship. Closure is so hard to find when you don't know where to look for it.
In other news, I watched 'Never Let Me Go' yesterday. Jesus Christ that film is depressing. Like, more so than the Notebook. Why did nobody warn me?