Today, as I walked through the streets of Brighton at sunset, a beautiful oranged sky hanging behind the city of endless hope and dreams, I realised something that is both very blissful and also slightly depressing. I have done exactly what I wanted to do.
This time last year, I set myself some goals. Some quite small, like 'turn up to class even if The Sims is calling', and 'don't let other people infect your life anymore' - but some quite large, long-term goals. Today I feel I have accomplished most of them. I've had an almost perfect year, I've got a degree which when you hold it up to the light it looks surprisingly similar to a middle finger aimed at my sister; I went my own way, battled through the odds and despite a rough start I'm finally living totally independently, in the city which seems to whisper sweet nothings into my ears every time I walk out my door, and in said city I have a job which is both rewarding and fun. I am in the best relationship I've ever been in: for once the only thing which seems to be scaring me is the very hazy nondescript future in front of us, as I have no idea where we're even headed, but I know I'm glad to be headed there with him. I'm happy, I'm hopeful and I have a lot of things I want to try and do.
But right now, I also have no more long-term goals to really think about. As much as 'saving for the big trip to the Americas' is a goal, it's pretty loose, it's very far away and frankly, it isn't enough inspiration to me right now. I need something to be thinking about. I need something real to focus on in my afternoons. The approaching winter is making the notion of jogging terrifying, so as soon as I get enough money I'm going straight to the gym, as that is my current aim - loose weight for graduation. Knowing me, I'll accidentally find all the weight again, hiding beneath the innocent looking cupcakes which I can't help but bake huge batches of. NaNoWriMo seems like a good thing to sort my head out a bit, focus on writing and knuckle down, but that's over a month away.
Can someone inject me with motivation please?
So, as much as I have ideas floating around in the vast abyss that is my skull, I still stare at blank pages longing for the 'autofill' option to appear. As much as I can smile at my own success so far, I find it hard, as my year-long policy of 'looking back does nothing but give you neck ache' pushes me to always look forward, and all I can see is a 5 and a half hour day of work, then a bed, a TV show, a few hours of The Sims and worst of all, laziness. Laziness is something I can't afford right now. I'm too eager to do stuff that I can't be bothered to do. It's a horrible situation. I wonder what situation I might be in a year from now?