Positive Outcomes Only

I'm doing a yes-man in my head. Nothing is negative anymore. Words like 'nothing', 'can't', 'shouldn't' and 'no' are being fazed out. I want to be the change in my own world, and hopefully infect others with it too, as some of my friends are suffering from a serious case of 'can't see the light'. I'm going to pull them through it somehow, but I have to be the right person to do so first.

My first step is smiling. Smile when it rains, laugh when things get worse, shake off that bad feeling and find that tiny spark of light in every gloomy day. I don't want to be the alec-baldwin-in-friends person, funny as he was, I just want to be that person that can help, and looks cheerful, and doesn't let the little things get her down.

Life is worth living to the full, and I want to start that right now.

Dirty Girls

Yesterday, I was driving home from work with an old friend in the car. I've known her since I was 8 and she was 7, she's sort of like a cousin to me, and she loves singing loudly to music when we're traveling to and from work. My normal iPod is broken, and so I'm using my gym iPod instead, which has a tiny memory and therefore not much on it, and I haven't had the chance to change my music so all that's on it is the music I work out to - either rock with a steady beat like Muse or Paramore, or dancey-pop songs like Justin Timberlake, Britney, and Girls Aloud, as seen above. Now Hanna-li doesn't like or know the better music, so we spent the two hour journey listening to pop. It was strange, because I never really listen to it anymore, so hearing Girls Aloud's early albums took me back a bit, and made me remember how new I was to music when they came out, and I secretly loved Sound of the Underground.

Their second album, What Will The Neighbours Say, had a few classic tunes, a few boring album fillers, and a few really unexpected songs. Graffiti My Soul, above, is one of the latter. It has this dirty guitar in the background that pulls it out of the 'cheesey young-teen pop' category into a much more respectful 'actual song with people playing instruments', despite the five-piece of skin, bone and make-up that sing it. I was listening to it, and I realised that one of the lines sounds like it says "it's procreation and nothing more". This may not actually be the line, but if I heard it, many others probably did too, and thats just wrong. This live footage shows how ridiculously sex is sold to society now. A girl band's main audience should be pre and young teenagers, mainly female, and little else. Maybe a pervy dad here and there. But girls aloud has a HUGE male audience, not really paying much attention, just watching their videos, and some sick fuck knows that, so likes to give all those guys something to watch, whilst the girlband perform for the young fans. Those young fans see the skinny legs, the school-girl get-up, the bad dancing that wants to be dirtier and quicker but clearly can't be for their singing's sake, and the songs that are just about sex and all things un-christian, and those young girls want to become them.

I've become intolerant with blatant social control. The government needs to sort it out, because we've got a huge population of idiot teenagers who fuck like rabbits without protection and it won't stop. This country is going down the pan, and I want to get out, as fast as I can, and build my life somewhere else.

In the meantime, I'll be in Norfolk until September 2013, because I just got accepted to do an MA at the UEA in Film, Television and Creative Process. Very exciting times ahead. Bring on September!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Last night I deleted my facebook. I don't want it anymore. And so far, it feels great. It's only been ten hours, but I'm not going back. Hells to the no.

Also, I realise now that my '100th blog' is somewhat invalid as there are 2 blogs I haven't published, and one I deleted yesterday, so is not my hundredth published blog, but is the hundredth written blog. Just in case anyone was confused (I know you weren't).

I've just read through my friend's script and I'm in the mood for writing, but cannot figure out where to start, so am going to apply the same approach I applied four years ago and just start scribbling. Somehow that created Lily, and she stills exists in my imagination-realms, so I'm going with that for now.

So, I'm off to stretch my imagination. I hope the rest of you are doing so too!

100

I've reached 100 blog entries. This should be a milestone, but considering the sheer amount of dribble that has filled those blogs, it's really not. Either way, it happens to coincide with blogspot having a make-over, which is very annoying, but quite like all the make-overs that websites often have, I'm sure I'll get used to it and forget how it once was soon enough.

Today's entry is about the future. People constantly tell me how I should do more things to prepare for the future, but most of them don't sound right in my head, so I don't do them. Its not to do with my not wanting to, or not being bothered to, I just feel like there are certain paths that I shouldn't take, and I just follow my instincts. This does mean that my family think I'm a lazy shit who will never succeed, but hey, they've always seen me that way, getting a first didn't change that, so nothing will.

My new page in my life, my fresh start, or re-start, considering I've lived here once before, truly begins tomorrow. I've now unpacked everything, and Mondays are always good days to kick things off on. My office, nicely painted with new furniture, new blind, old TV, old PS1 that doesn't work in old TV, grubby carpet but serious lack of dust and spiders, is ready for some creative juices to flow. I've got a lot that I want to do all at once, and I've got the view through the window that I had as a kid, from 0 to 15 I looked at this one view to keep me sane, to distract me from other things, and its strange to look at it again, hoping for inspiration and, well, hope.

I've got some manageable tasks, some quite hard tasks, some four-month-plans and some year-long plans to get started on. I wish one day I could do a big tick on the longest plan of all, say 'I'm happy with my body' and just stop thinking about it. Alas, it will not be happening any time soon, but that plan is one of the most crucial to being home. I always gain weight when I come home. Now I live here, obesity looks very possible, so I need to shape up, literally.

And my last thing to bring up, for those of you still bothering to read, is doing something creative on the internet. I've got one idea, but don't want to put it into action yet. I may wait until Maria is here next weekend, run it by her, see if she thinks its worth doing, so it may start to take form in a week or so. Watch this space.

Meanwhile, my fellow followers (all six of you, not that half of you ever use your blogs anymore), I hope everyone is well, reasonably happy (not grumbling about life and women too much) and still trying to be that person we secretly wish we were every day.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" - Dr Seuss

This will be a brief summary, but know that there is much more.

Everything I know is changing. Everyone I love, all the things that I own and care for, are slipping away, forgotten, lost, left behind or just unwanted. I've put my life through the blender and I still can't piece together what I've got left.

Moving from London-on-Sea to Middle-of-No-Where really weighs in my heart. I can't tell you how I feel, because its a feeling I'm completely new to, and have not grasped its true meaning yet. This tends to be the case for most things right now.

I don't want to lose the two people I've left behind; I just have to try fit them into my life. I don't want to be in a relationship, and I don't want to be alone either, so I'm at this half-way house of fear and confusion, staring at the faces of memories and wondering what I'm supposed to do next. I'm searching for a sign, a clue, anything, just something the Universe can throw at me so I can get up and get on the treadmill again, and not feel like I fell down and don't know why I should bother getting up again.

I'm decorating, I'm baking, I'm drinking too much and not exercising, I'm trying to find ways of helping my friends but can't find the time in my already very busy life.

I hope that my next entry will be more fulfilled, and actually say something good.

At least my brother is home and alive.


I'll write something more poetic soon; I'll write about the beauty and heartache in Capeside; but not today. Not yet.

Dolly Parton-esque

I'm feeling rather girly at the moment. Not that it was my idea, but we watched Titanic last night. I've had a Katy Perry song stuck in my head all week, and I keep getting urges to listen to other pop princesses and watch terrible films about a boy and a girl that meet and fall in love and little else happens. I watched Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 a few days ago, and it has made me want to watch the last one, which I am surprised by, and it's made me feel sad about Robert Pattison. He was once so pretty, but something terrible happened, but I think I'll watch Water For Elephants and that anger toward pale make-up and coloured contact lenses should fade. I received a lot of chocolate for my birthday / Easter present (from myself, to myself, for being awesome and all), and I've eaten half of it already, in a week. I am getting a bit shakey from no glee for too long. It's two weeks away, and I'm too excited about it. My excessively high oestrogen levels are going to annoy me at the weekend, and I have a lot of hard work to do, and I know for a fact that it's the non-girly part of me that can work 12 days in a row and not get caught up by the fact that in that time she also has to pack up her life ready to move, start kipping the other side of Brighton and pull out all the stops for my last two weeks of work so my relationship with my boss will end on a high note. Right now, however, the next seventeen days seem very daunting. Bring on Tuesday 17th April, when I can breathe again!

Pulled apart by horses...

My recent entry about feeling pulled somewhere is to be second parted here. I know what I was being pulled toward, and it was in Norfolk. And I felt it, sitting at the bench outside the Locks on Saturday night, I realised that it was all pulling me toward this exact moment, because that tension suddenly dissipated and I couldn't place what it was about that night - was it one of the old friends I saw, was it to do with Howarth, Sam or Jasmine, was it to do with seeing the band and just being there for that night - but I had been pulled for over a month to that night and I let the emotion wash over me, the joy of familiar faces, old friends and good memories being made. I have no idea what or why or how I felt and what might come of it, but I know that this isn't the end of the strings in my chest being pulled - it's just part II. I can't wait for the next installment, to see what happens next!