I can never get away from my past. The person I used to be, and the actions and consequences of that person. I can't run away.
And my past seems to be catching up with me.
No matter how many burnt bridges I salvage, or fences I mend, I cannot fix everything, and I know the things that are unfixable. The relationships which set sail so long ago, I wouldn't know what ocean to find them in anymore. One of these, probably the most 'famous' example, is Whall, a man actively ignoring me, as much as that is oxymoronic.
But the other things come back to me, haunt me, and I don't know what to do about them. Bob, for instance, scares the living shit out of me. I once mentioned (and now cannot find reference to it at all) the faces I was scared of ever seeing again. Bob was one of them, and I have still not seen, so can't comment on that. And one used to be Sophie, but I addressed that fear, and now, things are better. My head is less terrified. But last night I remembered another one; a fear of a face I had forgotten to be afraid of, because I pushed him out of my mind, and last night I was rudely reminded of that fear. I haven't seen him, but it seems inevitable - his best friend is my new assistant manager, and as he will be returning from Leeds soon, supposedly for good, it seems unlikely that we will always miss each other in the few pubs that we all frequent.
Problem is, my fear of him is one-sided, as he refuses to acknowledge my existence / pretends not to remember who I am, what we did, what he did, and that everyone we both know knows about it, yet he still denies it. When I told Ed that I knew him, Ed asked him if he knew me, and he said no. That shit kinda stings, because I can't hear his surname without my backbone shivering and my body stiffens like a cat sensing the presence of a dog.
Despite all this, and despite having never spoken to my counsellor about it, I understand completely why my head does the things it does. I understand entirely why I am a paranoid and nervous little girl when faced with the inevitability of seeing Thomson again.
The fucking prick.