Yesterday was busy, so today I will reflect, and explain further.
My sister was in pain, and I took her to the GP and the GP feared it might be appendicitis, so yesterday we hauled-ass to the delightful Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital, a stone's throw away from the UEA, and actually a nice hospital. I've only seen pieces of others before, like the time I went the have an ultrasound at Southampton - and the NNUH is quite nice.
So we got there at 5.30pm, and got home at 10.45pm, very hungry and still unaware of what was causing the pain. And I could have waited there all night. My kindle battery died and my phone battery was getting low, but I could have sat with her, waiting for doctors, listening to the same talk of anti-biotics and waterworks for hours more. I wanted to, because I wanted to help her, and help her be back at full health. And I realised, when sitting there, as she tried to sleep on another uncomfortable hospital bed wrapped in blue paper, writhing in pain, that all the other stuff I may have told people about my sister and me, and all the 'drama' and things that have happened, don't really matter in the end. She's been home since the 17th, coming and going from Glastonbury and London and whatnot, but mainly has been here for two weeks. And I'm not sick of her, or in any way angry with her. I feel calmer, and more at peace, and more happy in general. I also don't believe it is a coincidence that this is happening at the same time as other big leaps in my family life: I think that this is actually a very positive step in the 'growing up' process. I genuinely feel the connection that I used to feel when I was very small, and have not felt for a very long time; the feeling of having a sister, a person there for you, who you too are there for, no matter what, because you are sisters for life, no matter what, and other family struggles or arguments will never change that.
So the proposal she gave me looks more appealing than she knows, because I trust myself to be able to succeed, and form a very effective business relationship with my sisters.
My second reflection is of a person I know, and I'm thinking a lot about our relationship at the moment.
It's hard to define how I feel, or what I feel, because I think my toes have nudged too many pools of possibility. We might have been more, we might have been closer, or further apart, or have a very different friendship. But what we are now sits at a crossroads of what we've already done, and what is immediately ahead of us, agreed by both of us, to be the next step in our relationship, and it's a difficult concept to grasp. What if he brings girls home, and I hear them? Or, on the flip side, what if we start watching tv and films together, and as it gets colder, need to snuggle under a blanket? What if one is drunk and the other sober, and something slips out, some unsaid truth is revealed, and changes our already questionable relationship? What if the other flatmate gets caught in all of this too?
I have a lot of worries in my head, but I cannot worry about them, because this is the future I have chosen for myself and I will not change that. But it scares me, what might be around the corner - because it might hurt me, or I might feel like I can't cope, and I might want to go home, but I don't want that to happen. If all else fails, I may just take a quick trip to Italy, clear my head, listen to the voice of reason and calm. And, it's not long until Sam is home. When she comes home, life will make sense to me again. I can feel a goodness, a positivity, just beyond the horizon. I'm just trying to be patient, eagerly awaiting the golden light to wash over me, make me feel human again.
I also had a hilarious message last night from someone, and I'm not sure if I should go there or not. It's like... well, it's like my head has to choose between two different guys, and my goal of two different outcomes: good sex that doesn't last, or wait a while for a good relationship? Right now, I'm picking the latter, but that might not last long.